♪ ♪
[laser whirring]
Skipper's log.
Unbeknownst to my men, I have arrived in Shanghai
on a super-secret solo mission.
It's nice. A little humid.
Intelligent sources
put a shipment of weaponized soup dumplings on this dock.
The dim sum of all fears.
[tense music]
There is no dim sum, dumb-dumb!
- Hans. - Skipper, my old frenemy.
But you were in--
You think Hoboken can hold Hans the puffin?
Well, I hoped. So this was--
A trap!
Let's say we settle this with mackerel.
Let's not.
What was that? We always fish fight.
You could put an eye out with that thing.
We were in a rut.
I don't want to be in a rut with you, Hans.
You hurt with your words, Skipper.
So I will hurt with my feet.
[grunts]
[building creaks]
Ha!
[yells] Oof!
[groans]
Aah!
You're right, Skipper, old chum,
this does beat the fish.
Now, Hans, take it easy.
Ha! [yelps]
- [grunts] - [yelps]
[grunts]
Whoo!
Ha!
[car alarm blaring]
- [yells] - Aah!
- Yah! - [gasps]
Ha!
[yells]
Whoa!
Why the puzzling half smile that suggests
you know something that I do not?
How do you really think I got out of Hoboken, Skipper?
Work release program?
I had help from someone you know.
Huh? Whoa!
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[cackles]
Pen-gu-in.
Blowhole?
Was that an entrance, or what?
Not that you'll remember it, thanks to my...
Mind-jacker.
Uh...
[groaning]
And now you will forget everything.
Most importantly,
how to swim!
[cackles]
[groans]
Chimpanzees. If they show their teeth,
that's not a smile, it means they want to eat you.
[screams]
Honestly, how that woman stays employed
is a mystery worthy of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
Uh, why are we even here?
Because your teachers have nervous breakdowns
if they don't get a break from you once in a while.
[tongues whipping and groaning]
[groans]
Last school group of the day, gotta make it count.
[clock tower chiming]
Bus time! Let's move it!
[exciting music]
Whee!
Hey, I practiced that, you know.
A little appreciation goes-- huh?
Come on, come on.
You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
Oh, my gosh!
Agh!
What are you doing? [grunts]
[struggling] You don't see anything!
I'm totally puttin' that on the internet.
You guys!
[chortles] You so owe me.
Thank you for taking an Alice for us.
It seems my new experimental power cell, uh--
Blew up like all of your other experiments?
That was merely a discharge of excess energy during assembly.
I assure you, the power cell itself is still intact.
All I know is Skipper is gonna be--hey, where is he?
[mumbles indistinctly] [snores]
Since when does Skipper take naps?
Skipper!
Yeah, uh, we meant to tell you,
but we know how you get.
[grunting]
Yeah, like that.
He's off on a top secret mission.
[coughs] Zip it. [coughs]
Okay, mm-hmm, I get it. So it's all need-to-know,
and tippy-top secret, and if you told me,
you'd have to [imitates cutting] me.
Correct, correct, and you know it, lady.
Because we don't even know where he--
- [grunts] - [winces]
Really? But aren't you guys, like, I don't know, a team?
[grunts]
But on the rarest of occasions,
there are missions that require that Skipper go solo.
And when he goes to the potty.
He adopts one of his many undercover identities.
Except when it's the potty.
[winces]
And then he just vanishes to parts unknown,
duration unknown, to do... unknown.
It's just, no matter how much I think I know about you guys,
haven't even scratched the weird surface.
Okay, so he just takes off, right?
Doesn't tell you where he's going, or what he's doing.
And you aren't worried?
There are few constants
in this crazy world of ours, Marlene,
but there is one certainty on which he can always rely.
Skipper can take care of himself.
[coughs]
[suspenseful music]
Where am I?
Who am I?
[cackling]
How I have longed for this day!
To see my arch foe totally pwned.
I mean, did you see how he crumpled like--um, like...
red one, what's something one crumples?
- Uh, newspaper. - Of course, newspaper.
I was looking for something more violent.
- The sports section, maybe? - [groans]
Let's just say there was much crumpling,
thanks to my...
Mind-jacker.
[grumbles]
Kowalski, options.
You're always chasing rainbows, Private.
Ringtail.
Smile and wave, boys.
Trust me, Manfredi, what could go wrong?
Skipper's thoughts, pen-gu-in secrets, all mine.
The penguins have an anti-matter fusion reactor core,
let's see, one meters east of their command center.
Gotcha.
They got a variety of intruder defense systems in place,
and... wow,
Kowalski keeps his truth serum in a hot sauce bottle.
Kowalski, you sly dog.
Ooh, wait, I'm gettin' more details
on their network of underground tunnels.
Soon I will have all the data I need
to plan my assault on the pen-gu-in H.Q.
And there will be no Skipper to stop me.
- Excuse me. - What?
Dr. Mammal-fish, do you have the Wi-Fi in this place?
I'm scheming here.
I was locked up in Hoboken a long time,
- I want to check my email. - [grumbles]
[computer beeps]
- [drum and bass music plays] - [gasps]
[excited grunt]
♪ Everybody get up and jump in the beat ♪
♪ Called thump thump thump, yeah ♪
♪ This is how we do it now with the thump thump thump ♪
[rhythmic grunts]
Ooh!
The king is in his own little world.
♪ This is how we do it now with the thump thump thump ♪
But the feet are in my little world!
♪ Bass line, bass line, got to have a bass line ♪
[device beeping]
Hello!
Welcome back.
- [grunts] - [screams]
Maurice, this music box from the lost and found
has lost its sound!
Dead battery.
But batteries cannot die.
My boom-y box batteries never died.
Yeah, well, I kinda replace them while you're sleeping.
Uh, no.
Billy, Bobby, Betty, and Bernie are still there.
That's their, uh, grandchildren.
Oh.
But what about this one? The battery that has failed me.
I shall name him Baxter. Baxter, you are a traitor!
Don't you know who I am?
Your Majesty, I recommend recycling at dawn.
Yes, recycling at dawn, a most fitting fate!
Mort! Come here and guard the prisoner.
Okay.
My special foot time was ruined because of you, Dead Baxter!
And how did I get here?
And when's the last time I ate?
And am I currently on any medications?
Listen up, cupcake!
- Is that my name? - What?
No, I was insulting you
by referring to you as something soft and sweet.
Ooh, that sounds yummy. Do you have one?
Forget the cupcake!
I'm Special Agent Buck Rotgut, and you are Skipper.
Uh, okay.
Now, is that a name or an insult?
Name! But an insult is comin' up fast.
Here's the deal.
All the vital intel in your think melon has been swiped.
So my name is Skipper. How come I don't remember that?
Your brain has been tapped, it ain't rocket science.
No, sounds more like brain science.
Affirmative.
Evil brain science.
- How'd you get here? - I'm not.
Your sweetbreads cooked me up to get you through this.
So I'm doing this with my mind.
Yup, and it looks like your noggin
is makin' a last minute substitution.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened to Buck?
I am General Shingen.
Long did you study my theories of military strategy.
It is my great honor to be your hallucination.
And I am hallucinating why?
Something deep within your subconscious
has determined that you need a spirit guide.
A spirit what?
To survive this, you need guidance.
Uh, I do?
A vision of someone you respect,
someone with wisdom to share, someone who can lead you home.
And apparently that someone is not me.
Snow Monkey?
Oh, come on! Snow Monkey was barely here!
[phone ringing]
Was I not crystal clear?
What part of "put your phones on vibrate" do you not understand?
Uh, doc. Maybe you want to look at this.
I think it's the "Your archenemy survived" alarm.
No way!
[magical shimmering]
Oh, here we go again.
It's showtime!
Come on, Skipper, you don't remember me?
My head is as fuzzy on the inside
as yours is on the outside.
I don't remember much of anything.
And that's why I'm here!
Come on, let's go, let's do this.
All right, baby steps, okay? You with me?
What's my name?
Say my name, come on. Say my name. Say it.
Say it!
Uh, you're what, a cat?
Yeah, big cat, technically, but good start.
I want to say...
Boots.
Mittens.
Scooter?
Fluffy! Dusty. Buster. Peaches!
It's Peaches, right?
Alex? Alex the lion. You know, roar!
We used to be neighbors.
Then a lot of crazy stuff happened,
and, well... spirit guide!
[whispering] This is where you applaud.
Anything?
I got a lock on him.
Fire the archenemy-seeking missile!
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Can I stop now?
Oh, yeah. Right. [chuckles]
So anyway, I'm here to help you be you again.
Old school spirit guidance stuff.
Come on, let's do it! Just you and me and... that...
missile.
Missile?
[dramatic music]
[computer beeping]
[yelps]
- So that was pretty weird. - Not really.
That kind of thing happens to you all the time.
Whoa, I don't think so. I'm just a penguin.
A penguin with enemies!
Armed and dangerous-type enemies.
Oh, come on. Everyone loves a penguin, right?
We're both cute and cuddly.
[missile whistling]
You don't blow up cute and cuddly!
Okay, follow my lead! Flick kick!
Axel turn.
Hip walk!
Coffee grinder.
How is he doing that?
Plie squat, what?
And who is he talking to?
Way to stick the landing! You were born to dance.
You mean like a pretty little ballerina?
You know, you are surprisingly light
on those little webbed toes.
Not unlike a pretty little ballerina.
[yelling] Noo!
Wait! Rewind a little.
Hans!
Too far back, fast forward.
Wait! Rewind a little.
Too forward!
[yelling] Noo!
[stammers] That's it! Freeze it!
You want me to freeze sound, doc?
That is definitely the scream of an arch enemy
who has met his doom. [chuckles]
I mean, I can freeze picture, but sound exists in a continuum.
I get it, whatever.
It's just that you asked me to do the impossible,
and, uh, not the first time, I might add.
You know that big pot of water in the back
that I keep at a steady, slow boil, next to the movie butter?
[whimpers] And sound is frozen.
See? Freezing sound, destroying Skipper.
Here in my evil organization we do the impossible every day.
[winces]
With the right attitude, some teamwork,
and a constant, overwhelming fear of my wrath,
we can do anything!
Yes!
Dude, wicked awkward.
You know, if I wasn't imaginary,
that slap would've really hurt.
I am not a ballerina.
This is not a dancer's body.
My body is a... is a...
a living weapon?
What the heck kind of penguin am I?
Psychotic. Which ordinarily would be a problem,
but hey! That's you.
That's Skipper! Leader of team psycho!
Are you on my team?
Uh, no. No. I have, like, my own team.
Uh, Team Alex. The larger mammals, mainly.
You have your guys.
Right. It's all coming back to me.
Manfredi and Johnson.
I can't wait to see those knuckleheads.
Um, yeah, not them, uh, so much,
but it's a good team, a solid team,
your team! Hoo-ahh!
And this team of mine does what?
Missions. Secret missions.
Need-to-know, hush-hush commando stuff.
Hoo-ha-ha-ha!
Hmm, does sound a skosh psychotic.
Well, some might say that.
And by some, I mean me. I say that, all the time.
- So if someone attacked me-- - Then your guys are next.
We're talking danger here.
They need you!
Really? If you say so.
Okay, okay. Then I have got to get home.
Good! Yes! Sounds like a plan.
You're the man with the plan.
The... penguin man... with the--
- Build a raft. - Yes! Do that.
Huh, turns out I'm a great spirit guide.
Add that to the resume. [sighs]
Good to have a fallback career if the zoo thing goes south.
South, right.
And when construction of the aforementioned raft is complete,
I set sail for home. Antarctica.
Right! Wait, what?
Doc! Where are you?
Paging Dr. Blowhole.
Dr. Blowhole, please report to attack planning.
Who's over there?
Attack planning will have to wait.
I need to pop by Mutation Development.
Hard to imagine an animal more sweet and innocent than a bunny.
But doc, the analysis of Penguin H.Q.
is almost wrapped up.
They really need you to plan this attack.
Red One, to have an attack, one needs a weapon,
like the...
Diabologizer!
[giggles]
[roars]
Uh-- [yelps]
Yes! The...
Mind-jack--
[grunts]
Diabologizer!
...works beyond my wildest expectations.
[struggles] [screams]
[snarling]
One blast with this ray
shall transform Kowalski, Rico, and Private
into monstrously evil creatures of destruction!
[cackling]
No. No, no!
None of these batteries are the same as Dead Baxter.
Mort! Keep up!
But my legs are tired!
Et tu, mort? Why?
Why is everything wearing out on me?
Yes, I am referring to you, Dead Baxter!
And it was a slam.
[giggles]
Maybe it could be recharged or something.
What kind of demon sorcery are you suggesting?
He-witch.
Uh, I was thinking we could get some help
from the zoo's science guy.
The zoo's science guy.
Yes! Of course! This is totally a Joey thing.
Hey, g'day, mate.
Hup. Hup. Hup.
[growls] Kowalski, brainiac, penguin!
Really? Kowalski, the guy-- he doesn't even have a pouch.
[whimpering] I've got the dizzies.
No, I will not be swayed, big mouth cat.
Penguins hail from Antarctica, end of story.
Big no on Antarctica. You're a city boy, like me.
Antarctica. Antarctica.
Just kinda rolls through the syllables, doesn't it?
I like it. Can't wait to get there.
[sighs]
I don't think you are getting the whole spirit guide gig.
I pour out the wisdom, and you drink it up.
Drink up the wisdom, Skipper!
Are spirit guides supposed to get all shouty like that?
I'm not getting shouty!
[shouting] So this is the normal way to talk!
Good to know!
[sighs] Okay, um, there has to be some memory
that was so strong that it couldn't be wiped out.
Uh, cold. Ice?
Not Antarctica!
Something you miss.
Something that means more to you than anything else.
- Snow. - No!
- Stop it! - Let me finish.
Snow... cones!
Snow cones? That's what you remember?
They were tasty snow cones.
Uh, Skipper?
Tantalizing array of artificially-created fruitiness.
Seriously, Skipper?
- [roars] - Hee-ya!
That sweet syrup! That turns--
Hah! Everyday ice...
[grunts] Into frosty...
[grunts] Rainbow refreshment!
I am going to the home of the best snow cones in the world.
- [growls] - [grunts]
Ha!
My home. The Central Park Zoo.
I did it! We're goin' to New York!
New York.
[growls]
The city so nice, they named it twice.
With flavored ice!
My experimental power cell is bursting
with mega-gigajolts of energy!
Hmm, incredible power plus dangerous instability,
but there is a dreaded third factor
that would spell certain disaster.
And the third factor would be?
[laughing] Hey!
That battery is the exact size I need!
Uncanny coincidence.
Ooh! This will meet my kingly power needs.
- Stop! - Hey!
How dare you be so greedy with something I want just for me!
Get him!
What are you sillies doing? [electric sizzle]
Not a battery!
[laughing] Come on, it's totally a battery.
[yelps]
Not...a... battery. Power cell.
Eh, potato, tomato.
[Muzak plays]
[elevator dings]
Safe and sound.
Come back! This is a matter of life and Def Jams!
Julian, Kowalski said his power cell
could destroy the entire eastern seaboard.
Yeah, man!
That's just the kind of power I need.
[winces] [elevator dings]
Ah, what a beautiful sight! We made it!
Yeah, right country, wrong coast.
What?
Only 2,432 miles to go. That's not so bad.
[car horns blare]
[train horn blares]
[lively music]
♪ ♪
Um, red eight on the black nine.
I'm just sayin',
maybe everything we think is wrong.
Like, what if I'm real and you're the imaginary one?
Don't you ever stop talking?
Wait, you're a spirit guide.
Should you be driving?
[tires screech]
[crash]
Oh, lighten up. It was a rental.
Just promise me that you will go back to wherever it is
that yak-happy figments go, once I get to--ahh!
New York!
[dramatic fanfare]
We have reached Manhattan, doc.
I'm coming for you, pen-gu-ins,
and I have a surprise.
[cackling]