[fuse crackling]
[grand big band music]
♪ ♪
[explosion]
[thrilling horn music]
♪ ♪
It looked a lot more exciting on the box.
It always does, Kowalski.
All right, now, summer vacation status report.
Cargo loaded, Skipper.
We're set for a full week's fishing
off the Massachusetts coast.
Outstanding.
I'm dying to tango with their mysterious cape cod.
Hah!
[slurping]
Rock and roll!
Let's float this bucket.
Kowalski, how's our cover?
[projection whirring]
Classic smiling and waving with a holographic twist.
Hi!
[hologram crackling and humming]
Hi!
Hello!
Yes, it is still me waving to you.
My arm is getting heavy.
[seagulls screeching]
Three hours of smooth sailing to Nantucket Sound, Skipper.
[inhales deeply] Take it in, boys.
That's the salty air of sweet freedom.
There are no rules on the open water.
Oh, yeah?
[thwacking]
[fire cannon hissing]
Checkmate.
Skipper?
Open water, Private.
You know, legally, he could sell you to pirates
for whale oil and a barrel of nutmeg.
No. I mean, Skipper...
Egad!
The weather started getting rough.
[lightning cracking]
Our tiny ship will be tossed!
Hold fast!
It's barely a three-hour tour from here.
A three-hour tour!
[lightning cracking]
Ahh!
Hoist the mainsail.
[whimpering]
Or is it cut the mainsail? Let's see...
"when the weather's turning moist, always cut, never hoist."
- Uh... - [ship groans]
[penguins screaming]
[lightning cracking]
Ahh!
Bah!
[wretches]
Ah!
Aw, come on.
There, you see?
The sun always comes out to--
[screaming]
- Ow! - Uh...
Holy cow. You see that?
Penguins falling out of the sky over here.
Oh, well, boys,
looks like we're starting this vacation back from square one.
Oh, they look pretty rough.
Somebody ought to get them back to the zoo.
What, are you crazy?
I ain't driving all the way to Manhattan.
Who said anything about Manhattan?
We got a zoo right here in Hoboken.
[all gasp]
[sirens wailing]
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
[explosion]
all: No!
Hola.
Aloha.
Konnichiwa.
Oh, too lazy?
How dare you bow down at something that is not me?
[weakly] The penguins...
[sarcastically] Oh, the penguins?
Well, floppity, floppity, fa-fa-fa!
What is so special about--
Oh, hello!
[chuckles] Howdy!
Uh, yes, it is still me waving to you...
with both hands.
Uh, your majesty?
[gasps] Something unspeakable
must have become of the penguins.
Ooh... squatter party!
[festive music]
Yee-haw!
I'm a bazooka cowboy!
[explosion]
Hey, I'm just saying, you don't have to be lonely.
[retches]
[shudders]
Hoboken... the New Jersey nightmare comes true at last.
Remember, boys, penguins go down fighting,
even if we lose one of our own.
I'm betting Private.
Me too.
Ah!
I'm scared, Skipper.
Use that fear, Private.
Choke it down.
Make it a tiny hate ball in your gut.
Now show me your war face!
[penguins shouting]
Hoboken!
[penguins shouting]
- Huh? - Eh?
[dreamy trill]
What was that?
[babbling]
Whoa!
Ahh.
Lulu?
Phil's old simian flame?
[puffs] It's all right, everyone.
You can come out now.
Hans?
Savio?
Clemson and Rhonda too?
What in the name of returning guest characters?
It's villain-mageddon.
Not even close, my former foe.
It's time for a taste...
of Hoboken hospitality.
[zippy music]
♪ It's a happy little land of Hoboken ♪
♪ Where an unkind word is never spoken ♪
♪ You can bet your left flipper ♪
♪ That we'll get you feeling chipper today ♪
♪ For the price of a lousy subway token ♪
♪ You can catch the next train to Hoboken ♪
♪ Let our wares lose the cares ♪
♪ From your droopy derrieres ♪
all: ♪ Okay ♪
♪ We were once quite rotten ♪
Tragic, yet true.
♪ Naughty ninnies one and all were we ♪
Not me.
♪ Yes, fine, I was speaking generally ♪
♪ But here, our past is forgotten ♪
So we're good? I'm good.
all: ♪ It's the end of summer anti-bummer ♪
♪ Lap of zoo luxury ♪
all: ♪ In the perky, peppy land of Hoboken, ♪
♪ Where your anger never gets provoken... ♪
♪ No more holding bitter grudges ♪
♪ Every Tuesday, we make fudges ♪
♪ No way ♪
What?
♪ It's paradise ♪
♪ They serve the freshest mice ♪
♪ It turns the bad to nice ♪
all: ♪ In the happy, little land of Ho-- ♪
Hi-ya! Huh! Ha!
Skipper, no!
Whoa!
Don't tell me you're buying this sing-song claptrap.
It's Hoboken, where hopes goes to croak.
Okay, technically, you're right.
Don't look so smug. I said you're right.
But Hoboken has changed.
We got this new lady in charge, zookeeper Frances--
sister knows her swank.
Frances gives us activities, fine cuisine,
even massage chairs.
And who does not love a good massage chair?
[stuttering] Oh-h-h, y-y-y-yes.
In such a paradise, who could remain evil?
Not me.
I second that. Or is it third?
I lost track, I'm so happy over here.
[stuttering] S-s-so h-h-h-happy...
Actually, Skipper,
the new Hoboken Zoo does look
like a smashing vacation spot.
Rico, knock the pixie dust out of Private's eyes.
- Okay. - Oof!
I am not vacationing
in New Jersey's own ninth portal of Hades.
I assure you, this zoo is perfectly--
Are those my new arrivals I hear?
Zookeeper incoming.
Bug out, men.
[suspenseful music]
[grunting]
Honestly, I don't see what's so wrong here.
Open your nose, Private.
This zoo reeks of dark master plans.
Question is, who's the dark mastermind?
[penguins gasp]
♪ In the shiny, tiny land of Hoboken ♪
♪ Where nothing's ever dirty or broken ♪
♪ Here's a tip: stay awhile ♪
♪ Take a trip to the smile buffet ♪
♪ In the happy, little land of Hoboken ♪
♪ U.S.A. ♪
Hooray!
- Dark mastermind. - Totally.
Welcome, welcome, spanking new Hobokeners.
Oh, I am gonna take such good care of you. [giggles]
Why does there always have to be
an evil mastermind with you?
I think someone just can't let themselves unwind
and enjoy a proper holiday.
[gurgling]
Behold:
the Hoboken emergency hollow tooth.
But we don't have teeth.
You think I don't know that?
Hoboken emergency activate.
[robotic voice] Save us from Hoboken.
We are in Hoboken.
Seriously. Hoboken.
It's in New Jersey, Exit 14C.
Shouldn't we do something about that?
Ptoo!
[garbled voice dwindles]
You know that doesn't really fix the problem.
But it fixed my problem of not hearing the television box.
Now swivel the royal melon.
You're watching the Nonstop Dance Boogie Network.
[excitedly] Oh, ooh-ooh.
Uh, Mr. Mort, set the booty to stunning.
Ptoo!
[whispering] Boogie down.
Engage.
Now let's get back to Bavarian Polka Week.
[gasps] German folk music?
My booty's only weakness.
Ahh, change it! Change it!
[polka music]
This is the most disgusting thing
I ever have been made to witness.
Although maybe after the shock wears off...
No! No!
It is even worse the second time.
Maurice, why are you not making it go away?
We can't find the remote, your majesty.
What? This is the most outrageous...
Ahh! I got so outraged I forgot the not looking!
[cries]
This lack of remote control-iness
is unacceptable hospitality, and somebody must pay.
Is it the penguins?
Uh, yeah, sure. They'll do.
If only I knew where to find and yell at them.
I'd try Hoboken.
But I am having a much better idea.
[giggles] So, obviously, we weren't expecting you,
but I'm sure you can get along with a puffin
until we fix up a proper habitat.
[gasps] The puffin.
[sing-songy] Have fun!
Oh, yeah, we are going to be the best of chummy fun pals.
No, Jaw.
I'm not your fun pal, you demented dame.
I need evil zookeeper intel asap.
So are you gonna spill your gizzard,
or do I spill it for you?
[dramatic music]
Tickle fight!
[laughing hysterically]
Ooh, oh-ho-ho, somebody has a tickle spot.
Massage chair party. Who's in?
I am in!
Kowalski, analysis.
It appears zookeeper Frances has them too terrified to talk.
Instead, they mask their fear
with hollow smiles and tickle games.
[laughing hysterically]
Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it!
Aw...
What has that perky fiend done to them?
[groaning happily]
[garbled voice] Massage chair.
[dwindling] Massage chair...
And now it's the mini vac.
That's six straight hours of cleaning.
Somebody needs a hobby.
Evil is her hobby.
And no mini vac can suck up its malignant stench.
Whoo!
This is the greatest vacation ever!
Ooh.
All right, you soft pretzels.
We're cracking this dame's happy, cacky racket.
Kowalski, check the big book
of mad zookeeper conspiracies.
Let's see.
There's entire zoo swapped out
for look-a-like robots.
[thwap]
- Ah! - Hmm. Nope.
That's a good fleshy feel.
What else you got?
Paranoid scenario number two: animals are hunted for sport
by the world's lunatic billionaires.
Too bad they made one classic mistake:
never hunt a hunter.
Hi-ya!
[gasps]
That bird hit teacher J.J.
[children shouting angrily]
[shudders]
Oh, ooh, ow.
Oof!
So many tiny hands.
[children shouting]
[computer keys clacking]
Tell me what I'm looking for, Kowalski.
Any evidence that zookeeper Frances
is consorting with aliens, demons,
and/or man-eating carnivorous plants.
I got nothin'.
All I've got is some kind
of zoo animal brochure.
Skipper, this is no brochure.
No, no, it's a... cookbook!
What?
Mm. Wait a minute...
[shrieks]
Uh, nope, heh.
It's a brochure.
Ooh, did you know they have a cheese fountain here?
What? Wow!
[blathering]
[festive music]
[animals laughing and talking]
Who doesn't like free cheese?
[spits]
Party!
Who-oa.
[grunts]
[pins strike]
Ah! Eee! Ooh!
Yes! In Mort's face!
And stomach and other parts.
I'm confused.
Why did you think the penguins would be here?
What? No, no, I said I had a better idea.
[chuckling] This was way more fun.
But now that I am bored,
let us go find and yell at the penguins.
[slapping and groaning]
Okay, it appears we're not asleep
in some backwards dream world.
Really? Eh, better be sure.
No, Skipper, I'm afraid that's it.
In my scientific opinion,
there is only one plausible alternative:
This place is...
awesome!
Whoo-hoo!
[stuttering happily]
You blind fools.
You're living a false paradise,
and when it comes crashing down...
[massage chair whirring loudly]
What's he on about?
[stuttering] I have no idea-a-a.
This entire festering pustule of filth-ridden putridity--
[giggling] Oh, Commissioner McSlade...
they just don't make mid-level bureaucrats like you anymore.
Oh, true that, Frances.
New York Parks Commissioner Purvis McSlade?
What back alley intrigue is this?
Wow, this place used to be a dump.
But now, wow, you could eat off these floors.
[twinkling]
Chk-pew! How did you do it?
Uh-uh-uh! Zookeeper secret.
Ooh, sassy.
That's a leadership quality.
You, madam, are a zookeeper with a future.
Ooh, what's behind this door?
Nothing! Oh, it's nothing.
[laughing nervously] It's literally a doorway to nothing.
Oh, nothing, huh?
Ha!
Wha? No, no, no!
Hi-ya!
Ah!
Behold the sinister secret
at the heart of--guh?
[majestic music]
I am so embarrassed.
Oh, it's just you've always been a hero of mine.
I--I call it my "inspiration nook."
Inspiration nook?
I love it!
Does this mean I'm coming to the Big Leagues?
The Big Apple Leagues.
Welcome to the New York Parks Commission.
Yes!
[gasps] Just give me a minute
to take care of this little scamp.
Hm... oh!
No dark underbelly?
Is it possible I was wrong?
Is Hoboken really some hidden vacation paradise?
[sing-songy] Down you go.
Ahh!
Oh, no, no, no.
This zoo is for sanitary animals.
All dirty birdies go down the garbage chute where they belong.
Bye-bye.
[screaming]
Ahh!
Uh!
[grunts]
Hoboken!
Knock it off, flat brow.
Some of us prisoners are trying to sleep.
Prisoners? How?
We can answer that, Skipper.
I saw you all topside.
If you're down here, then who are they up there?
The phony abalones?
They are the fruits of zookeeper Frances's twisted obsession.
- Cloning? - Cleaning.
That lady cannot stand a mess.
Look, can we be honest here?
Of course we can. We're friends.
Well, not friends the way I think of it.
The point is that zoo animals
are filthy, filthy beasts.
There, I've said it, and you all know it.
So down the chute we went,
replaced by shiny, clean android doubles.
Whoa, whoa, whoa--robots?
Those things slap like real animals.
Not robots, Skipper.
Bio-mechanical androids copied from our own DNA,
courtesy of Frances's body-scanning massage chairs.
[scanners beeping]
[machine whirring]
[mini vac whirring]
Well, well, so all this started
because some posh nancy cats
couldn't resist a spin in the massage-o-matic.
[penguins groaning]
Let that be a lesson to all-- hey!
[animals gasp]
Couldn't resist a massage, you say?
Nancy cat.
Come on, it was one neck rub.
Hi! I know Kung-fu.
Hi-ya!
Ahh!
Oof!
[groans]
You're a dirty birdie.
Ha! And you're a talking toaster.
[grunting]
Tuesday is fudge day.
What?
Oof!
[shouting and punching sounds]
Ow. Oh.
I'm going to have to go with "not good" for that sound.
No, it--wait!
Sound? We can hear that battle.
Which means--yes!
Skipper's knocked open an exit hatch.
And how are we supposed to get up there?
I've got an idea, but it isn't going to be pretty.
Oof!
[robot clicking]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Ha!
Oh.
[screaming]
[grunting]
Fire in the hole!
Ahh!
Oof!
Savio?
And to sort the stomach contents...
[retches]
Ew.
Love to get a tape of that.
Hi!
I know Kung-fu.
Well, well, where's your robotic superiority now?
[sinister music]
all: Dirty birdie.
Found it.
Welcome, Tri-state Press Corps.
Eh?
You all know me,
so let's introduce this rising star.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Frances Alberta.
[applause]
She cleaned up Hoboken,
and now she's gonna clean up Manhattan.
Manhattan?
The Central Park Zoo!
[sinister music]
♪ ♪
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Eh, I could live with that one.
We have to stop Frances.
[robotic voice] Frances in danger.
Must destroy animals.
Why did we start talking like robots?
I don't know.
[shouting]
Hold the line, boys.
I got to bust up a press conference.
Hi-ya!
- Hi-ya! - Ho-ha!
Now, as commissioner, this handshake is a legal contract.
So let's limber up Mr. Righty and make it official, hmm?
[knuckles crack]
Must stop handshake--
Uh!
Oh, curse your robotic super strength
and ruggedly handsome looks.
It's time to take out the garbage.
Uh!
[electricity crackling]
Oh, your face makes a new years.
Ring-tail!
I never thought I'd be glad to see you.
Uh-da-da.
Do not be thinking you can make sweet-talking excuses
for this TV remote fiasc-a-tastrophy.
The remote? I keep it on the shelf next to the radio.
Okay. Good to know.
[electricity crackling]
Aw, crud. Ah!
Handshake-a-coming. Here we go.
Ahh! Oof!
Now this is all your fault,
Lousy massage... chairs.
Oh, my, would you look at this mess?
Zookeeper Frances won't like this one bit.
Brother, this mess is just getting started.
Hi-ya!
[triumphant music]
♪ ♪
[massage chair whirring]
[stuttering]
So-o-o-o-o relaxing.
[nuts and bolts pinging]
[explosion]
Panther grab, panther grab. And... ready.
Anything you'd like to say, Frances?
Just what a thrill it's going to be
to take care of all of Central Park's--
Ahh!
Hi!
I know Kung-fu!
Bio-mechanical android duplicates?
[animals shouting]
Dirty...
filthy...
animals!
[screaming]
[people shrieking]
[grunting]
Hi-ya!
[loud thud]
[furious slapping]
No more messies!
Gah! Eee! Oh!
[crazily] ♪ Happy, happy Hoboken ♪
Oh, eat dirt.
Oof!
[coughing]
You are so fired.
[wailing]
Deadly robot doppelgangers,
a perky, evil mastermind, and a zoo in crisis.
Boys, now, that's a vacation.
Up high!
[flippers slapping]
all: Hah!
Rah!
[people shrieking]
[exhales tiredly]
Boring!
What else is on?
[polka music]
[shrieks] The Lederhosen!
It is like poison for my eye stomachs.
Ahh!
[enigmatic music]
♪ ♪