[bell tolls]
[brassy detective music]
- Hit it. - ♪ Hey-oh, yah, hah ♪
- ♪ Oh, hey-oh ♪ - Yeah.
- ♪ Hey-oh ♪ - ♪ Yeah, oh-hey-oh ♪
[camera shutter clicks]
Cute and cuddly, boys.
[dramatic music]
Let's see. Twelve and twenty-three.
Thirty-five degrees Northwest.
What you tracking, Kowalksi?
Skipper! Um, I am tracking...
well, according to Atlantic sea currents
and the migratory patterns of marine mammals,
there's a good chance,
well, in a few hours, a certain dolphin
will be off New York's coast.
[make sound]
You mad genius, Kowalksi.
Let the smackdown begin.
For far too long,
Dr. Blowhole has had the upper fin.
- Well, Skipper-- - But today
the element of surprise
is on our side.
Eh, blowhole!
Yay! We'll show that oversized guppy.
About that oversized guppy. You see--
We'll begin with a deepwater assault.
Skipper!
I haven't been tracking Dr. Blowhole.
I've been tracking... [clears throat]
Doris.
Huh? Doris?
Doris the dolphin?
- Seriously? - Oh, man!
Reality to Kowalksi.
- She's just not into you. - Yeah,
how many times has she given you
the "Let's just be friends" talk?
Sixteen and a half.
I couldn't hear the rest over my sobbing.
But this time, this time will be different,
for I have invented a love you laser.
Love you what?
One blast from this beauty instantly renders its target
utterly, hopelessly, head-over-heelishly in love
with a preselected subject.
Observe.
[beeping]
[zapping]
[funky music]
[beeping]
[zapping]
[funky music]
Hey, there, handsome. [giggles]
Yes, I'm talking to you.
Mort, are your ears clogged with the waxy buildup?
Is that why you cannot be hearing me
when I say not so close to the royal throne?
[giggles]
Uh, because, really, you should be here.
- There you go, little buddy. - Um...
Hush, no words.
It works. It actually works.
Yeah, baby!
♪ Doris and Kowalksi swimming in the sea ♪
♪ K-i-s-s-i-n-- ♪
Pull yourself together, man!
Are you sure this is what you want?
Skipper's right.
When science meddles in affairs of the heart,
we're all bound to be losers in love.
[chimes]
Yeah, but I was referring to that.
And I've given up on fairy tale endings.
This is a grim, grisly reality you've made here, Kowalksi.
Undo it all.
Aye-aye, Skipper.
[zapping]
[thwack]
- [beeping] - Hmm, that's curious.
It appears to be jammed.
[static]
- Deadly fire! - Ah!
Sound off, Private.
Other than a funny little tingle,
I'm right as rain.
I'd be more concerned about--
Kowalksi.
[yells]
Zip it! Zip your big, word-spewing big
with its big, snotty, big words!
What gives, Private?
Stand down, soldier.
I said stand down.
Yes, Skipper. Sorry.
What's gotten into you, Private?
Nothing, Skipper. Nothing.
- I think maybe the-- - [yells]
What part of "zip it" eludes you?
The "zip" or the "it"?
I said stand down!
The love you laser seems to have malfunctioned
into a hate me laser.
Ooh, another brilliant deduction
from señor pointy-head.
All right, I'll ignore that.
Words certainly can't--oh!
Ha ha! What do you think of that, then?
Private, stow those antics.
Aye, Skipper.
Stupid Kowalksi with his toes.
- Go on, Kowalksi. - Theoretically,
I can reverse the laser's influence
if I were to rezap Private.
- Well, zap away. - That would require five ounces
of unspoiled McGuffium-239.
From a lab.
- In Brooklyn. - [groans]
Then we roll.
Yeah, yeah, run away.
Run away on your stupid tiny toes, pointy-head!
Well, that was easy.
Now, this McGuffium should--oh!
- Not be dropped. Ow! - Take that, pointy!
And here; take another one
for your beady little eyes.
Ow! Ooh! Stop it!
My eyes aren't beady.
[whines] Skipper!
Rico, disarm the Private.
[burps] Ah!
Well, hopefully, this time, the McGuffi--ow!
[laughs] You should-- you should see the look
on your ugly, pointy face. [laughs]
No more nasty business, Private.
I order you to let Kowalksi pass.
In fact, I order you to stay still
and not move one bone in your little hate-filled body.
Good.
Incoming!
Well, that's a relief. To the lab.
Sit tight, soldier, and soon you'll be back
to your old sugar-sweet self. [squeaks]
It's a decoy! Kowalksi!
- Ha ha! - Get him off! Get him off!
- [laughs]
[gasp] The anti-intruder controls.
- [heavy thuds] - [laughs maniacally]
Dance, Kowalksi, dance!
Dance on your hideously misshapen feet!
[flame whoosh]
[zapping]
[thuds]
[laughs maniacally] [thwack]
Sorry, buddy.
Here, I got you a little something.
[wheezes]
I say, Mort?
How about a smoothie with those fleas?
Fleas? Fleas? And now smoothies?
Yes! My answer is yes!
Maurice? Two mango smoothies, please.
You feeling okay, Your Majesty?
Yes, never better. Why?
I've never been better neither.
On second thoughts, Maurice,
make that one smoothie with two straws.
Okay, that should do it.
[static]
[explodes]
[snarls]
[growls]
- What was that? - I don't know.
Whoa. Did you guys feel that wicked energy surge?
Yeah. Hey, how would you like to feel my fist
- denting your smug yap? - I don't think I would.
[screams] [explodes]
You pathetic excuse for a soldier.
Your beak is so wide.
[jabbering angrily]
I have to go now!
[explodes]
Bye-bye.
[cries]
Oh, Marlene, am I glad to see you--
Yeah? Well, that makes one of us.
I'm going to crush you like a peanut.
I don't think I want to be peanut butter!
[screams]
Ooh! Ah.
Okay, this is probably one
of the scariest places I could have landed.
For reasons unknown to me thus far,
I wish to do him grievous bodily harm.
Yeah, I got that too.
Ohhh!
Just the penguin I wanted to skewer.
I'm only one penguin!
Hey, there's that penguin I hate so much.
He makes me angry. I wish to beat him.
No, no. Mort, Mort, your nails are still drying
from the mani I just gave you.
Let me do it.
I will introduce him to righty. [kiss]
And then I will introduce him to...
you know, my other righty.
[whimpering]
He went this way. Over here!
The love you laser, that's my only hope.
But that's back at HQ.
Oh, options, Kowalksi. Options.
[choir]
Where did that stupid ding-dong go?
- Naaa! - Oh,
I want to make peanut butter.
Shh with the peanut butter. [clears throat]
- Hey, Kowalksi? - Let me try. Kowalksi?
We want to know how magnets work.
Do you have a long-winded explanation
you can bore us with?
Almost there.
Oh, mama.
[bellow]
Math, don't fail me now. Ahhhh!
[wind whistling]
Ooh! Roy hooks a little to the left.
That's good to know. All right, Kowalksi.
You've got one shot.
Make it count!
[whistles] Hey, everybody!
Over here!
Farm fresh Kowalksi!
Get him! [laser beeps]
[yells]
Come on, work. Work!
Please, for the love of Isaac Newton,
make it quick.
[gurgling] [static]
[explodes]
Hey, I don't have the blinding urge to maim,
degrade, and humiliate Kowalksi anymore.
Yeah, that's strange.
I wanted to squeeze you till you popped.
Oh, boy, that would have been a mess. Sorry.
You're lucky, little bird.
You were gonna be in a world of hurt.
But we had a change of heart and whatnot.
[fire whooshing] [fire crackling]
Ah, that certainly was a close one.
I'm sorry for inventing the dang love you laser.
Who knows; maybe things will work out
- between you and Doris someday. - But for now,
it's good to have everything and everyone back to normal.
Oh, look, dolphins. [giggles]
So romantic.
[playful music]
Oh, Phil, have you seen my Victorian-era wig?
Yo, Alice, you seen my mallet?
Let me check my desk drawer.
Huh? Where's my desk?
This court-martial is now in session.
- Court reporter is present. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is this, a race? I got, like, no words of that.
And you know I'm kind of so-so with the whole spelling thing.
Prosecutor Private, let's hear your case.
Your honor, I submit that one of our very own
is guilty of... fibbing in the first degree.
Defense Attorney Rico, your response.
[snoring]
Oh, come on!
How many "O"s in: [snores]?
Ten or eleven? Maybe 12.
Your honor, let us go back to the morning in question.
Aw, Prince cheers-a-lot,
a lunicorn should never be afraid to admit he's afraid.
Ugh! Nauseating.
Time to 86 this touchy-feely propaganda.
Where's the remote? Anybody seen the remote?
Where's the remote?
Come on! Somebody must know where the remote is!
[cooing] Yes, you are!
Kowalksi, have you seen the--
Monster! Monster! Monster!
[screaming]
Aha! Let the record show that the defendant
had claimed he destroyed jiggles.
Technically, I never said those words.
See this? This is a stink-eye.
And I'm giving it to you.
Okay, I may have given that impression.
That's all I need to hear. Guilty!
[bonk]
[electricity crackling]
[chuckles]
Aw! [snooring]
"They all lived happily ever after,
especially the handsome
and brave court reporter, me, end."
Rico. Rico, wake up!
Lay some legal jiujitsu on these punks.
[snores] [mumbling]
Fine, I'll mount my own defense.
[clears throat]
Admit it, Skipper;
it was your panic that caused the real crisis.
Let us return again to that fateful morning in question,
like, mere seconds after we left off.
Surrender the cube-shaped demon, Kowalksi.
Skipper, Jiggles is different now.
He's been rejiggled.
Rejiggled?
Physiologically speaking.
You see, I've changed Jiggles on a molecular level.
He no longer eats fruit.
Ergo, he will never grow to the size
of a party-like-a-rock-star tour bus.
No fruit? So what does he eat?
Penguins, right? It's penguins. I knew it.
Pfft! No, he only eats this.
- [sprays] - [slurping]
[burps]
Whipped cream?
So Jiggles is completely harmless?
Abso-tively. You can thank science for that.
And me, of course,
because I'm the scientist.
You're welcome.
Rico, instrument of destruction.
[barf]
Hoo hoo hoo! Batter up.
- [screams] - Skipper, no!
My baby! [sobbing]
No! Why did you--wha--
What? Wha? Multiplication on impact?
Unanticipated.
Must be a rejiggling side effect.
[yells] Kowalksi,
what's wrong with your monstrosity?
Of course!
By altering the deoxyribonucleic acid,
I've increased the chromosomic enzymes' flexibility.
Any type of violent impact will cause Jiggles to subdivide.
[grunts] Violent what?
Hmm, Kowalksi does have a point, Skipper.
You did make it worse.
You did. It's true. You totally exacerbated.
- Just saying. - Nuts.
[sighs] Continue.
- Skipper? - Get on with it, Private.
You're the prosecutor, so prosecute.
Oh, okay. Re-returning to the morning
- in question... - [squeaks]
Deja vu. Am I right?
We've got to nip this problem in the bud.
Rico, on the doomsday device.
Set the timer for five minutes.
Private, prep the star shuttle for launch.
- That seems a little hasty. - We've got no choice.
We'll leave this planet a burning husk,
strike out into the cosmos, conquer a new home,
repopulate the penguin species.
Skipper, won't we need girls for that?
What?
We don't need to leave the earth.
Rest assured I will find a way to fix this.
So the Jiggleses--Jiggles?
Uh, what's the plural of "Jiggles"?
Let's go with Jiggli.
- Ooh, Jiggli. - Okay, the Jiggli.
They can't escape from your lab, right?
Absolutely not. No way.
Not unless they find the air vent.
Topside!
Nooooooooo!
- Um! - Mmm.
[chewing]
They're eating my babies.
Barbarians!
They will pay.
Mmm. [smacking] Lime.
"Gelatin dessert snacks."
Look, the real Jiggli.
Taste justice, Jiggli-eaters!
- No! - No!
[snoring]
What? [babbling]
So does the defense have an objection?
- What? - Rico, we're in the middle
- of testimony. - Okay. Lunch!
[sighs] Now, we all recall what happened next.
Boy, do we ever. I started fighting crime
with a bulldozer possessed by the spirit
of president William Howard Taft.
[funky music]
Okay, Taft, we got Mendoza trapped inside.
I think we can take him if we work together.
[machine whirring]
That's not how I remember it.
Yeah, well, we're just going to have to agree
to disagree on this one.
Well, the way I remember it is, Kowalksi told us...
If the Jiggli experience everyday impacts
at a normal rate, they'll cover the surface
of the earth in about... uh, 12 days.
Ha ha ha!
Yes, yes! Shake your shimmies!
Anyone know what these are?
I like the way they explode off my bottom.
[squish] [splat]
- Make that eight days. - [yelling]
Little green cubes!
Nothing scares me more than little green cubes.
Four days.
- [thuds] - Three days.
Two. [slap]
Anybody whose last name doesn't end in "Owalski"
- have any options? - Yup!
[barfs] [laughs]
[sprays]
So we lure all the Jiggli to these coordinates.
- Then what happens? - Beats me.
Rico's the man with the plan.
And you're comfortable with that?
- Eh. - Ooh, we're trapping them
within a hermetically sealed titanium enclosure, right?
Nuh-uh.
A magnetic demobilizing ray?
- Nope. - A giant-sized butterfly net?
Sweet Nobel's beard! You don't intend to--
- Kaboom! - Quick! Hit the deck!
[boom]
It was beast that killed the beauties.
Kowalksi, they're not really gone,
not as long as you remember them.
And also they're not gone as long as they're falling
out of the sky! [screams]
Well, thanks to Rico,
the world now only has 47 minutes
until total Jigglification.
[laughing]
And that was just ten minutes ago!
[humming] What?
Rico, you're just as guilty as the rest of us.
Hop in. The water's fine.
[sighs] All right.
Um, can you repeat the last part?
- Which part? - Uh, just everything after
"This court-martial is now in session."
What? I told you there was too much
yup-yup-yup fast talking.
- [jabbers questioningly] - Oh, why not?
Well, get on with it, prosecutor.
Remember, it's your duty to meet out red-hot justice.
But, but you're my friends.
- No mercy, Private. - Remember, justice is blind.
Okay, then. If it please the court,
I would like to get in there with you,
because I can't do this.
Well, ain't this a pretty picture?
The whole unit in the pokey.
- So, like, what now? - Dessert?
Yes, Rico, you can have dessert.
Mmm, pie.
No!
[all sigh with relief]
- [sprays] - Oh, dear.
[rumbling]
[squeaking]
Mm.
Help! Help! I am drowning in Jiggli!
Well, on the bright side,
of all the ways we could have met our doom,
this is the most adorable one.
Well, that's cold comfort.
Cold! That's the answer!
I just need to reset the thermostat so low
that no creature on earth could stand
the frigid temperature--
no creature, that is, but a penguin.
- [shivering] - Cold. So cold.
Up high.
Uh, belay that up high until we're topside.
Can't... feel... booty.
That was pretty cool thinking when the heat was on, Kowalksi.
And yet I feel no joy. Frozen solid is no life
for sentient gelatin.
What's a slightly mad scientist to do?
I don't know. Think outside the box?
Isn't that what you scientific nerdlets like to do?
Hmm, outside the box...
or outside our atmosphere.
Wait, I thought we ruled out leaving the planet.
We did, but we're not the ones leaving.
- [speaking alien language] - [static]
[speaking alien language]
- [squeaking] - Huh?
[aliens yelling and Jiggli squeaking joyfully]
[brassy detective music]