[bell tolls]
[brassy detective music]
Hit it.
♪ Hey-oh, yah, hah ♪
Yeah.
♪ Hey-oh ♪
♪ Yeah, oh-hey-oh ♪
[camera shutter clicks]
Cute and cuddly, boys.
Okay, boys, I got a fresh scarlet snapper here,
and it's yours for the taking.
All you got to do is come and get it.
But, Skipper, the floor is covered in mouse traps.
Razor-sharp observation there, young private.
This would complicate fish acquisition.
This magnificent catch goes to the man who has the wit,
ingenuity, and cunning...
[mousetraps snapping]
Or Rico.
It goes to Rico.
[screaming]
Shh, do you hear the cry of an innocent child?
Move out, men.
[gulping]
[whimpers]
[groans]
[whimpering]
- [mousetrap snaps] - [grunts]
- [mousetraps snapping] - [both screaming]
I wasn't doing nothing, just petting the sheep,
and then he bit me!
[crying]
On behalf of the Central Park Zoo,
I'm legally required to tell you I'm sorry.
Okay?
A biter in the petting zoo?
Just when you think you've seen
all the sick the world can throw at you.
- Come on, you. - [bleating]
Someone's got to take that fluffy punk down.
You think so, Skipper?
I mean, it looks like Alice is taking charge.
With this zoo's revolving-door justice system?
He'll be back to chewing on children in no time.
And now that he's tasted human blood,
there'll be no satisfying his depraved thirst.
[sighs]
So it's up to patriots like us
to take the law into our own hands.
[grunting]
Oh, dear. [grunting]
[crashing sounds]
Huh? Wha? Somebody there?
Yeah, someone's here...
your worst nightmare.
A flying coyote with laser beam eyes?
Um... no,
four angry penguins.
Oh, whew, 'cause when coyotes
develop flight and laser technology,
it's game over, you know?
Can the lip flap, sicko.
This ain't our first time at the rodeo.
We know what you did to that kid.
Kowalski, options?
Let's see.
We could go with the Norwegian noogie
or the West Indies wedgie.
Why don't we just pin a corsage on him
and take him to the prom? Come on, man.
In that case, I feel there's only one choice,
the Conquistador's sunburn.
[gags]
[screaming]
Oh, great. Great. Fantastic.
Well, I don't suppose anyone
wants to hear my side of the story?
I would actually.
I just think we should hear both sides of the story.
Is that so wrong?
I'm going to put that in my naive question file, private.
Kowalski?
Please, Skipper?
Ah, fine.
Go ahead, cotton ball.
Explain to us what possible reason you could have
for attacking an innocent child.
Innocent?
Okay, let's start there.
That kid was no innocent.
His type is the scourge of the children's zoo.
[screaming] Is this loud?
All hopped up on churros and juice boxes.
Well, after all that, I can understand why you snapped.
That? [laughs]
No, that was nothing.
You know what we call that in the petting zoo?
Tuesday.
It's what the little jerk did next that crossed the line.
- [wool tearing] - [screams]
For the love of--
he ruined my beautiful, beautiful fleece and left me...
exposed.
[pulse thumping]
So, yeah, it was self-defense.
Oh, come on.
It's the petting zoo.
It's thunderdome.
It's a nonstop parade of grubby, grimy, grabby hands.
I mean, do you know what it takes
to get candy apple out of this coat?
- Do you? - Uh, club soda?
Oh, hey, that might work.
But still, it's the principle.
- Look men, we pegged-- - Randy.
Randy here all wrong.
Um, I didn't, actually.
Sure you did.
You were acting like judge and jury.
Well, anyway, that's the past. He needs our help.
Skipper, I've been working on a compound
to protect us during combat.
It may be just what the doctor ordered.
[aerosol can hissing]
Ah, there.
I've coated Randy's wool
with a kinetic-energy-repelling polymer
that will protect him
from the sticky hands of churroed-up children.
Outstanding.
You are home free, amigo.
[screaming]
- Kowalski? - What, Skipper?
- The bouncing? - Yes, he is.
[crashing sounds]
Men, I need options,
and not our normal options,
the options we bust out for special guests.
[gagging]
Ah, Rico, I admire your cocky swagger,
but we should save the party
until after we've achieved victory.
Skipper, I believe Rico is proposing to rub the balloon
against Randy's woolly coat, thus creating a static charge
that should prove most shocking.
- Yep-a-doodle. - Oh, sure.
That ought to keep him out of the kiddies' clutches.
Go to it, Rico.
[balloon squeaking]
And three hours.
All right, Randy, you are all charged up.
You really think this'll work?
Oh, yeah.
[static humming]
Uh-oh.
- [static crackling] - [both screaming]
Okay, Randy, we're changing tactics.
We can't keep the kids' paws off you.
But maybe we can make it so you don't mind.
Hypnosis.
Should I be freaked by this?
No, no, no, Randy,
I assure you, I am a hypnosis expert.
I saw it on the telly.
[sighs] Whatever. Just give it a whirl.
Okay, then.
Stare at the watch and relax...
[watch ticking]
[all clucking]
It didn't go like this on the telly.
[all clucking]
Ow.
Might as well just accept it,
my future is nothing but chocolate,
cotton candy, and lollipops.
both: Yum.
Stuck on my woolly butt!
Oh. Yuck.
Uh... yum.
Some new facts have come to light.
Like, did you know a petting zoo
is not a sheep's natural habitat?
I had no idea.
I've lived my whole life in petting zoos.
We found this in the zoovenier shop.
Apparently it's called a "farm."
Kowalski, voice analysis.
- Home to horsies... - [horse whinnying]
- Piggies... - [pig snorting]
- And sheep. - [sheep bleating]
- I don't sound like that, do I? - Yup.
The point is, won't this be a smashing place to live, Randy?
To live? Really?
Well, it's a little snug, but--
ah, it's good to be home.
Yeah, uh, Randy, you know, that's just a toy.
Actual farms are much larger.
Ha. Yeah. Huh.
Do I look like an idiot?
- Yup. - Ooh, one thing,
if we take Randy to a farm, won't Alice notice he's missing?
Not a problem.
Wait, wait, wait, let me be standing under this.
You want to borrow Mort so you can help some guy
I care nothing about get to a "fa-arm"?
That is the plan.
- Eh... no. - Yay, King Julien loves me.
You cannot borrow Mort,
because "borrow" says that you will bring him back.
Bye-bye, Mort.
See? That's a love shove.
I'm a sheep.
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Do you think Alice will buy it?
Are you kidding?
The resemblance is uncanny.
Hey, fluffy stuff, how's it going?
All right, men. Commence phase two
of operation steal wool.
S-T-E-A-L.
You got to read it to get it.
Private's idea.
Hey, I thought you were taking the truck upstate to that farm.
Ah, the new guy said he'd do it.
- New guy? - [horn honking]
[computer voice] Adios, amigos.
- Is it safe? - All clear.
Let's see. Estimated travel time
at approximately three inches per hour...
one hour and 45 minutes.
Are you sure this is the right map, Kowalski?
Pretty sure.
Ooh, we don't have Oklahoma yet.
- Ow. - Punch buggy!
Giant lemonade on your left, Skipper.
Are you sure about his map?
[all grunting]
Why didn't you go at the last rest stop?
We didn't have to then.
It is a map of New York?
Um, it is a map.
[tires squealing]
I can't see a blasted thing.
The combination of grease, mud, and dead bugs
have completely obscured the road.
If only we had some sort of absorbent cloth
or chamois with which to clean the windshield.
Just hurry up, okay?
If my calculations are correct,
and they usually are,
we should be able to see the farm any--
[tires squealing]
There it is.
I saw it first. I did.
Ooh, rustic.
And much bigger than the toy.
Here, at the farm, you will find your bliss.
[screaming]
Ah, and so begins my beautiful farm life.
Hey, know where I can find the sheep?
Take off your coat. Stay awhile.
Wait, you're sheep?
- No, but you're-- - Sheared?
Yes.
You will love the shears.
The shears?
Be a brand new ewe.
all: [chanting] Shears.
Shears. Shears. Shears.
Help!
Wait!
Ah, so Randy's right back where he started.
- Poor guy. - Actually, private,
I don't think you need to worry.
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna get me a sheep.
- [bleating] - [screaming]
Rico and I showed him a few moves.
- [grunting] - [bleating]
[yelling]
Eh, you can't join 'em, beat 'em.
All right, we do this smart, and we do this--
- [buzzer sounding] - Right now! Oh, golly!
[all grunting]
[wheels squeaking]
[grunting]
Exercise complete.
As I suspected, a stuffed bunny.
Fine, but why didn't you hit it with the stick?
- What? But-- - We thought this was a test
of when to apply force, Skipper.
Oh, it was.
[all scream]
Uh, how did you get the crossbow inside the--
I know a guy in Havana.
He doesn't ask questions, and neither do I.
[yelling]
Perimeter breach. Rico, man the bunny-bow.
Sirs.
Private Eggy reporting for duty, sirs.
all: Ah.
[mumbling]
- Of course not. - [all grunting]
It's Eggy. You remember little Eggy.
He's the adorable duckling we took care of
when he was just an egg.
I got a bit nervous when you all trained him so hard,
but in the end, he hatched, and everything was just--
No unauthorized flashbacks.
He's cute. We have a history. End of story.
Oh, and what brings you back to our lair,
you kitchy-koochy-- oh, I just want to eat you up.
Sweetie? Are you down there?
Too late. Blend and confuse, boys.
Excuse me, did my son-- there you are.
Gah, my cover's blown, but they'll never break me.
- [maniacal laughter] - So, how've you been?
- You see this? - Burmese cobra escape.
Enemies sighted, Skipper.
[grunting]
This is what he's been like
ever since your egg-sitting adventure.
[yelling]
There does seem to be a slight uptick in zesty exuberance.
"zesty exuberance"?
My son is going to get hurt.
Your mama's right, Eggy.
We've had years of training for what we do.
A boy your age isn't ready for field work.
I told him that, but he says my intel is compromised.
Who's pulling your strings, mother?
Give us till sundown.
We'll get little danger britches set straight.
Thank you so much.
Now listen to the penguins, kiddo.
All right, Eggy, school's in session.
[all grunting]
And that was just to adjust
our drinking fountain temperature.
Yeah, the private has a sensitive beak.
Oh, I can't believe you told him that.
And a sensitive everything else.
Wow. That was amazing, sirs.
Yes, the kind of amazing you only get
with discipline, practice, being a penguin.
Now I hope you've learned a valuable something-or-other.
One question, wouldn't a direct assault
take the enemy down faster?
- Oh. - Eggy, no.
[grunting]
Sirs, mission accomplished again...
- and faster. - How did you--
I learned everything from you, sirs.
all: Oh.
No, not "oh."
This is dangerous business, Eggy.
I know. Isn't it great?
Can I have some dynamite?
- Okay. [gagging] - Rico, no.
[maniacal laughter]
- Hey. - [explosion]
I meant this is dangerous penguin business,
and you are not ready, period...
or possibly exclamation point.
Kowalski, punctuation options.
I suggest the Spanish inverted.
Muy fuerte.
But you saw my commando skills.
How can you say I'm not ready, sir?
Well, because...
because you don't have this.
A subway fare card? [grunts]
A license.
An official penguin commando license.
No, no, I'm quite sure that's a metro card.
I can see the logo right-- oh!
I didn't know I needed a license.
Of course. We've all got ours.
- Oh, absolutely. - [gagging]
Really?
I don't have a-- [grunts]
Oh, yes.
Penguin commando license.
Very important.
And I'm winking to indicate that.
And they don't come easy either.
You've got to prove you can tackle everything
this zoo throws at you.
Have you proven that, Eggy?
[gasps] Uh-uh.
Then I really don't think you're ready for this.
But-- [sighs]
You're right, sir.
Private Eggy requesting permission
to reapply when I'm ready.
Permission granted, you precocious ragamuffin.
Well, I'd call that mission accomplished.
So what do we do with the rest of our day?
Ooh, we could get temporary tattoos
with motorcycle club nicknames.
[mimicking revving engine]
I'll be "Bobby Thunderskull."
All in favor of private's
tattoos and nicknames plan, say--
[screaming]
Oh, we should probably do something about that.
Fallen lemur, what happened?
I don't know.
Something came flying out of nowhere, and wham.
I'm flat on my butt.
And I am left to apply my own eye vegetables,
which is the real tragedy.
Mort, weep for me.
My eyes are exhausted from all the cucumbering.
[grunting]
My eye vegetables are burny.
Can you give us any details on your attacker?
I didn't see him, but it sounded kind of like...
a kid.
- [yelling] - [all grunting]
Ouchies.
Victory from above.
- Whoa there. - Got ya.
Eggy, what are you doing?
Huh, Eggy?
You mean this is my J.J.,
who I raised as a little lemur egg
to be a mighty lemur prince?
♪ Me and my J.J. ♪
♪ With me he will stay ♪
♪ And then we ♪
Great, now that's in my head all day.
Sirs, you said I had to prove
I could tackle everything in the zoo.
By my count, that's two animals tackled already.
I could get my license by sundown.
Yeah, looks like-- what?
We live by a code of honor, sir.
And you promised.
- Hooah. - Don't, Eggy.
This won't prove anything.
Of course it will.
Go, J.J. Do it.
[grunting]
Hold on. This may be perfect.
But that's the elephant habitat.
Exactamente.
One-on-one with the world's largest land mammal.
Why I'd have trouble taking big grey down myself.
Probably have to pull out my signature moves.
Start with the tangiers trunk swing,
then a kyoto tail whip
into a pair of marrakesh kneecappers.
Ha-sha.
Wait a minute, why are you all staring behind me
as if fixated on something I'm heretofore oblivious to?
[grunting]
But those were my signature moves.
- My signature. - Oh, dear golly.
Eggy said he learned everything from us.
That may be more true than we realized.
The egg state is a time of intense knowledge absorption.
If each of us gave him our best training,
then Eggy must possess all of our strengths combined.
Uh, what?
He's an unstoppable commando machine.
See? Now, that's a helpful flashback.
Follow that duckling.
All right. Banana.
Yo, I'm totally gonna grab that.
[both grunting]
He's got my knowledge of physics.
Ah, a bad boy, eh?
Maybe joey needs to give you a proper spanking.
[both grunting]
He's got Rico's psychotic instinct.
[adopts British accent] Beg your pardon, miss.
Might I trouble you to lean down a spot?
Of course, you adorable--
[both grunting]
Cheerio.
He's putting on an adorably phony British accent.
Just like the private.
Phony?
This is how I really talk.
Sure it is, gov'na.
Chameleons.
Rhino.
- [screaming] - Flamingo.
Over 92.7% of the zoo has already gone down.
Don't give me statistics, man.
Tell me who isn't down.
Well, there's the four of us.
[both grunting]
- Three of us. - [both grunting]
- Two of us. - [both grunting]
- Okay, that leaves just-- - [both grunting]
Right.
Then the only zoo animal left is...
oh, boy.
Hey Maurice, check out my new shirt.
I don't usually wear one, I know,
but these circles are pretty sweet, eh?
Ringtail, focus.
We need your help.
And why would I help you to not prove
that my J.J. is the bestest tackler?
If Eggy thinks he has a commando license,
who knows what kind of danger he'll throw himself into?
Plus, we'll have to actually make licenses.
This isn't just about tackling.
[all gasp]
Excelante.
Come on, commando license.
I want to fight some ninjas in a chainsaw factory.
[maniacal laughter]
You know, that does sound slightly unsafe.
Ringtail, run.
[stammering]
It's too late.
Eggy's locked on.
Well, at least this proves our training is effective.
That duck is going to make one heck of a penguin.
What?
My J.J. wants to be a penguin?
Have you not seen what this kingly booty can do?
Five, six, seven, eight.
[upbeat dance music]
[both grunting]
How do you like that low there?
Wow.
Julien's actually doing it.
Eggy can't tackle everything in this zoo after all.
Can't... tackle...
[panting]
You, sir, are the greatest...
of all animals.
But you can be the second-greatest.
Come, let us begin your booty shaking training.
Ooh, dancing.
Why, that's not dangerous at all.
You cured my baby.
Yes, we can definitely state that your child
no longer wants to be a penguin,
and may the world forgive us.
Okay, little dancer, time to go home.
Say thank you to the nice penguins.
[mimicking King Julien] Thanking you very muchly,
silly penguins.
[laughs]
Yes, that is my J.J.!
Rico, cover our shame.
- [gagging] - [smoke hissing]