[bell tolls]
[brassy detective music]
♪ ♪
- Hit it. - ♪ Hey-oh, yah, hah ♪
- ♪ Oh, hey-oh ♪ - Yeah.
- ♪ Hey-oh ♪ - ♪ Yeah, oh-hey-oh ♪
[detective music]
[camera shutter clicks]
Cute and cuddly, boys.
[toilet flushes]
[water gurgling]
[gulping]
Um, Skipper? Salt, please.
[toilet flushes]
Here you go, Pri-- [toilet flushes]
Vate.
Thank you, Skipper.
Uh, so, Kowalski,
have you discovered any science... things?
- Kowalski? - Hmm?
Science? Any new discoveries?
Oh, um...
well, yes.
I've been experimenting with transdimensional--
[toilet flushes]
Transdim--
[toilet flushes]
Tran-- [toilet flushes]
Oh, come on!
Enough already!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
But you can't rush smoked salmon puffs.
They burn if you so much as look at them the wrong way.
The food isn't the problem, Roger.
[toilet flushes]
That is the problem.
We're eating in a stinking sewer.
I know. I know.
[sighs]
Flushing does not a great
dinner party make, right?
So I'll put on some show tunes.
Yeah, yeah, something bold and brassy,
a real 11 o'clock number.
Reptile, the sounds of the sewer
are the least of our problem.
[sniffs] Oh!
I'm sorry, guys.
I've lived down here so long, I barely notice the smell.
Really?
How do you get used to--
You can't! You can't get used to that!
What, are you insane?
I hate my home.
So why not leave?
Many of your kind live quite comfortably
in the South Florida area known as Gator Alley.
Oh! I just got that.
Alli-gator? Gator--
Yeah, we get it, Kowalski.
Operation See Ya Later, Gator, is a go.
We'll need a large crate, 10 million Deutschmarks,
and a C-17 cargo jet on the runway in 15 minutes.
I might need 30 minutes on the jet.
Blast it, man!
That could jeopardize the whole mission.
Whoa! Guys, I'm not moving.
Times Square, the Met, Broadway?
I mean, come on. Broadway?
You can't ask me to give up on my dream
of singing at the Great White Way.
No, I would rather live
in the worst sewer in the Big Apple
than in the best swamp in all of Florida.
I hear you, brother.
It's not the heat; it's the humidity.
Uh, okay.
So I'll just stay put...
down here... in this sewer...
on the banks of this raging river of filth.
Oh, dear.
You can always move to the zoo, Roger.
I could?
Negatory.
Our zoo overlords may be somewhat
slow on the uptake...
But even they would notice
the sudden appearance
of an 800-pound alligator.
Despair not, Roger.
Compared to our usual high-stakes tango,
your little problem is but a petty pirouette.
Oh, okay.
Which means what?
I don't know.
We'll find you a new home right here
in the City That Never Sleeps.
Fresh air, sunshine, and a pond
to replicate your native marshy environments.
Sold! Done!
And we pirouette.
What do you think, Roger?
It's--it's nice. It's nice.
I got one question.
Why the log?
It's not very-- uh, what's the word?
Uh, comfortable.
Well, with the park's predominantly human population,
you'll need camouflage.
Just hold still when people are around.
Otherwise, they're likely to--
[screams] Alligator!
Get the police! Help!
No, no, I'm not gonna-- [stammering]
Help!
And finally, from the wackadoo file,
Esther A. Paxton of Paramus claims
to have seen an actual alligator in Central Park.
But when Animal Control investigated,
all they found was this log.
[laughs]
Sounds like they were barking
up the wrong tree, Chuck.
Ha! You're out on a limb there, Bonnie.
Ha!
Okay, I grant you, there were issues
with our previous home proposal.
But this one's brilliant.
Are you really positive
they're not gonna find me here?
Not if you hold still this time.
From 10:00 a.m. to 5:45 p.m.
Monday through Friday, 8:00 p.m. on weekends.
[door squeaks] [cash register dings]
Uh-oh, Skipper. Museum's open.
Duck and cover, men.
And, Roger, hold still.
Who wants to see some dead things?
Gator. Cool.
What, that?
It's totally fake-looking.
Check out his dumb rubber nose.
Ow!
Why would you do that?
[both scream]
Fear gripped the Museum of Natural History today
as witnesses claim they were attacked
by the alligator exhibit.
We was just standing there, you know,
not doing nothing wrong.
And then the alligator comes alive
and tried to eat my cousin, Vic.
Curiously, museum officials say
there is no alligator exhibit.
Hmm, curious indeed, Chuck.
[dramatic musical flourish]
Okay, the pond and the museum scenarios
suffered from unplanned variables.
Lessons learned.
But this one's a winner.
All right, let me get-- I'm supposed to be what, now?
A gargoyle,
stone carved into a mythological creature
that wards off evil spirits.
The thing is, guys, um,
I'm not really good with heights.
Well, gee, Roger,
what are you "real good" with?
Not camouflage. Not holding still.
We're running out of options here.
Just don't look down. You'll be fine.
Don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look...
[wind whistling]
Dooooooooown!
Roger!
[splash]
Ooh, lucky for him
there was a swimming pool down there.
A rather public pool.
[people screaming] [gator roars]
This is Gator Watch,
New York's number one in alligator attack updates.
Breaking now:
Manhattan's most wanted reptile
has literally dropped into Midtown.
Animal Control has placed the gator threat level
at severe.
Citizens are warned to not approach
any prehistoric killing machines
they may encounter between 82nd and Canal Street.
Stay with us for Team Predator coverage
and Gail Force with Gator Watch Weather.
[helicopter rotors beating]
I'm a fugitive.
I'm a fugitive from justice.
Don't panic.
We just need to find a safe house,
lay low until Danny Dogcatcher loses our scent.
Ah, this should do it.
Kowalski, can you crack the lock?
A simple pin tumbler?
Well, while you're lobbing softballs,
why not ask if I can design a self-replicating nanobot?
Which I can, obviously.
Okay, slow and steady.
[helicopter rotors beating]
[screams] They're on to us!
[thudding]
Am I...
on Broadway?
I was born for this moment.
♪ When I was very young, I felt ♪
♪ That I was sure to be more ♪
♪ Than a handbag, pair of shoes, or belt ♪
A nice belt, but still.
♪ And now that it's years later ♪
♪ People say ♪
It's an alligator!
[people screaming]
[screams]
What? Too pitchy?
Please, don't lock me up.
I didn't have to time to rehearse.
They've got Roger.
Next stop, the Gray Bar Hotel.
They're taking him to a hotel?
Well, that will be a lovely home.
Perhaps he'll find a mint on his pillow.
We're canceling Roger's reservation.
Rico, grappling gun.
[brassy detective music]
♪ ♪
Follow my lead, boys.
All right, we're back in this thing.
All we need to do--
Gah!
Men, commandeer this vehicle.
Penguins?
Kowalski, wheel man.
Rico, gas. Private, music.
Smooth jazz or hot adult contemporary?
Let's classic rock this chase.
And away we go.
[classic rock music]
[yells]
No! Look out! Ahh!
Not to worry, citizen.
We'll return your vehicle in factory condition.
- Oopsie. - Well, near factory condition.
[tires squealing]
Left.
Right.
Left.
Lot of left. Whole lot of left.
[horns honking]
[crash]
Rico, more gas.
[burps]
You know what I mean, soldier.
Heh-heh!
Skipper, can I do a pedal?
Sorry, Private.
We won't be needing brakes today.
♪ ♪
Well, this is our stop.
[truck honks]
[yells]
Fast and furious, boys.
Rico, blowtorch.
Guys!
You came to rescue me!
Roger that, Roger.
We're getting you a real home,
not some dark, stinking hole of woe and despair.
- [tires screeching] - Um, Skipper?
I think we've arrived at the dark,
stinking hole of woe and despair, and...
And it's our hole.
We got the gator in the back.
Bring him in.
We've got a nice, cozy habitat
all set up for him.
Oh, well, that simplifies things.
And so Gator Watch comes to an end
as the happy reptile finds a new home
at the Central Park Zoo.
All's well that ends well, eh, Bonnie?
Right you are, Chuck.
Coming up, a Manhattan motorist swears
his car was commandeered by-- and I'm not making this up--
penguins.
[men talking over radio]
[beeping]
Hey!
[laughing]
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
Get out of me personals!
[laughs]
It makes butter in my tummy!
Hey! Whoa!
[beeping quickly]
Guys, outside, there's all these men
in the matching suits,
and they have wands that are all like,
"Bleep, bloop, bloop, bloop, beep, bleep!"
and--
okay, how am I the paranoid one here?
Relax, Marlene.
Have some morning nosh.
What? Hey, I don't--
What you are seeing
is the vanguard of democracy in action.
No, I am seeing men in suits with wands and blooping.
Today is the grand opening
of our newest up-charge attraction,
the Central Park Children's Zoo.
With the ribbon-cutting ceremony by Purvis McSlade,
New York's parks commissioner,
the hero that gave us zoo regulation 742-F.
Mm, the "fresh fish for penguins" initiative.
Bless that man.
Uh-huh!
[gargling]
Now, if you're seeing men in suits,
that must mean the commissioner's team
is making its final security sweep.
How exciting!
Can we go watch?
Negative, Private.
Commissionorial security is a high-stakes game.
They don't need four extra players.
Yeah, well, never mind; they're leaving anyway.
What?
- Hey! - Leaving?
They couldn't be done already.
What kind of slapdash security sweep is this?
I don't know. Looks pretty safe to me.
[birds chirping]
"Looks," Marlene? "Looks"?
It's not the threats you see with your eyes;
it's the ones you feel deep in your gut.
Uh-huh!
Where's the reflecting mirror for satellite-based lasers?
The titanium ground net for tunneling mole robots?
The comprehensive antidote kit
to counteract any mind-control gas
sprayed by a villainous madman with a superblimp?
A superblimp? Really?
Go ahead and scoff.
Superblimp madmen live to smack down scoffers.
This is Commissioner McSlade we're talking about.
If those kindergarten crackerjacks can't protect him,
then we will.
Check one.
Check two.
Ow.
What is a Children's Zoo?
A zoo for children?
Yes.
But more than that...
I want a total threat neutralization in five.
If you notice anything funny, take it very seriously.
Trip hazard, delta sector.
I'm going in.
Ha! Wha!
Ba-ba-ba-ba-daba!
[threateningly] Mm!
Sheep and donkeys, goats and...
odd little horses side by side.
There's a lesson in that for all of us.
Nut-shaped grenade?
What, no outside food?
Uh, apparently, it's just a nut-shaped nut.
I've got something.
What is it? Missile? Chopper?
Superblimp? Come on, superblimp!
Let me at 'em! Come on!
Oh, never mind.
It's only a pigeon.
both: Oh.
Give me those.
That smile.
Sweet sky gravy!
That bird's going gonna drop one
on the commissioner's suit!
- Huh? - Drop what?
Yo, Alice.
Pigeons really did a number on these statues.
It's like the stinkaroni salad up here.
Pee-yoo!
But, Skipper, why would the commissioner be targeted by--
Pigeons!
Now, there's an animal I have no use for.
Filthy disease-mongers.
But thanks to parks regulation 758-P,
my anti-pigeon initiative,
we are actively chasing the little beggars
out of our parks and public spaces.
Hey, Mr. Commissioner!
I'ma show you some of my initiative.
[laughs]
[jet engine divebombing]
Rico!
Whoaaaa!
Ooh! Say what?
[both scream]
[groans] What?
Skipper!
How did you know that bird
had a beef with the commissioner?
I've seen that look before, right before
our last commissioner took a plop to the left lapel.
[all gasp]
Got him right where a pretty flower would go.
[laughs]
It's just a suit, isn't it?
There were blueberries, Private.
Blue... berries.
It was a beautiful day--
sunny, clear.
Pigeon came in low and slow from due east.
[bombs whistling]
I don't know why I didn't jump in
and take it for him.
That day, I swore I'd never see
another public official blueberried,
not on my watch.
Gee, that's too bad.
'Cause before that ribbon's cut, this commissioner's gonna
be wearing some doody on the suity.
[laughs]
Grab him!
Skipper, what do we do now?
You heard the pigeon, Private.
He's sworn to do his dirty deed
before the commissioner cuts that ribbon.
The clock... is...ticking.
So were the dramatic pauses really necessary, then?
Yes.
[laughs]
Blast! He's flying circles around us.
Kowalski, options.
Well, I could pull...
this branch.
[snap]
Stick. Your option is a stick.
I pulled the wrong one, all right?
I have upgraded the standard jet pack
with a full weapons array and auxiliary turbos.
It's all untested, but I'm 51.7% certain
it won't erupt in a gaseous fireball
the size of a dwarf sun.
That's slightly over half.
Why, those are odds we can most likely live with.
Prelaunch waggle.
[soda sloshing]
Hey, penguins!
I guess I got the drop on you.
[laughs]
There are many words that rhyme with "zoo."
"New."
Ah! Ooh! Ow!
I'm trying to fly here!
Ah!
He's trying to lose me in the sycamore.
Converge!
Don't worry, Skipper.
He can't get away from all of us.
[gasps]
[all cooing]
Now, boys, check every face.
They're identical, Skipper.
What are we looking for?
The look of pure, suit-staining evil.
I got news for you, pal.
We all want to see the commissioner get
what's coming to him.
[pigeons cooing]
And so, without further ado--
[laughs] That also rhymes with "zoo."
Better push back my 3:00 p.m. merry-go-round dedication.
Hansel and Gretel special, on my mark.
Execute.
[all cooing]
Skipper, look!
Blueberries. It's him.
Empty.
Kowalski, fire the turbos.
The turbos?
But they're highly unstable.
It's too dangerous.
That was an order, soldier.
Now, pop this soda.
Here comes the payback from my way back.
[low tone] [laughs]
Skipper, the package has dropped.
For... the commissioner's... suit!
Noooooo!
all: Ugh!
[cheers and applause]
Fireworks! I like it.
Good for the old parks commission spirit.
Rah, rah!
Whatever, weirdo.
Sir, your merry-go-round dedication.
No, wait! I can make another one.
Just--just give me a sec, all right?
Oh, come on!
[steam hissing]
Skipper?
Talk to me.
[groans]
- Oh! - I've seen... worse.
That's true.
I'm sure a good scrubbing with soap and...
sandpaper--
- What? - Skipper, what--how did--
Standard-issue pigeon-proof vest.
Like I said, never again.
[all cheering]
And so let us bid farewell
to the bravest article of clothing I've ever known.
[crying]
Well done, suit.
What--you hear that?
No. No. Noooo!
[splat] Oh, man!
Any of you guys know how to get blueberries out of feathers?
Now, that's what I call poo-etic justice.
[laughs]
See what I did? I played with a word.
Yes, we're all enjoying your toilet humor, Private.
Real classy.
Oh, right.
Poo. Tee-hee!