[bell tolls]
[brassy detective music]
- Hit it. - ♪ Hey-oh, yah, hah ♪
- ♪ Oh, hey-oh ♪ - Yeah.
- ♪ Hey-oh ♪ - ♪ Yeah, oh-hey-oh ♪
[brassy detective music]
[camera shutter clicks]
Cute and cuddly, boys.
[suspenseful music]
Next, the habitat owners association asks
that you be courteous to your downwind neighbors.
What? Why's everybody looking at me for?
And tonight's final piece of business:
the photographer is coming tomorrow.
So if there aren't any questions,
- we'll wrap up and-- - Hey, hey!
Wait! Wait! Go back to the photo thingy
and be more explainery.
- Every year, a photographer-- - Jim! His name's Jim!
And though his bread and butter is weddings and bar mitzvahs,
he's quite good with wildlife.
Yeah. He selects one of us
to be on the cover of the zoo brochure.
Which is to be me, because who is more cover worthy
than the king of the zoo?
Uh, nobody nowhere?
Yay, King Julien!
Hold on there a second. Maybe the zoo would like
a lady on the cover this year.
Okay, yes, maybe.
But where are we going to find one, Marlene?
- You little-- - Forget it, you two.
They always pick Private.
Adorableness is his secret weapon.
- Secret weapon? - Sure, we all have one.
Mine is fearless moxie, Kowalski's is scientific genius,
Rico's psychotic derangement, and Private's is adorableness.
Gee, Skipper, I think anyone could be on the cover.
All you need to do is believe in your dreams.
Aww.
See? Secret weapon.
He's here! I see him!
[splash]
[cooing cutely]
Hey! Hey! I am being lovable here!
There's my little bubby!
[breathing deeply]
Just let it flow, Private. Be what you are.
Beautiful. Adorable as always, star quality in spades.
[camera clicking]
Oh, he's in top form this morning.
That little rascal does us all proud.
Yoo-hoo! Mister photographer!
Come see how cute I am!
Maurice, my regal cuddliness is being ignored.
Be doing something about it.
Ow! What was that?
And who moved my camera?
Well, hello!
Well done, Maurice!
Is he now capturing my delicate yet masculine contours?
Uh, no. He's taking pictures of Mort.
Come back, tail! [giggles]
I know adorable when I see it, and that is adorable.
Of course it is.
I-- [gasps] Mort?
My tail is yummy.
But--but...
He barely even noticed me.
He was too busy taking pictures of Mort!
Come on now, Private.
You run circles around that puffball.
Speaking of running circles,
When Mort was chasing his own tail,
- didn't you just melt? - Aw.
[jabbers]
- [whimpers] - Oh.
[clears throat] I'd like to strike my comments
- from the record. - [whimpers]
It's not fair. I was here first.
Mort can just go and get his own thing,
because when it comes to adorable,
- there can be only one. - Pardon us, Private,
but we couldn't help overhear your little problem.
Yeah, lucky for you, we're expert problem solvers.
- Oh? - [thuds]
Let's just say we know how to take
a certain puffball out of the picture.
Oh, that would be gr--wait.
No, I'd never agree to anything like that.
Hey, nobody's saying you would.
Yeah, but if something were to take Mort out of the picture,
it would be a good thing for you, right?
No. No, it wouldn't!
- And by no, you mean yes. - What? No!
I don't want any part of what you're saying.
[whimpers]
You hear that? He don't want no part.
Good. It's cleaner that way.
- Come on, let's go down to the-- - All right.
[slurp] Mm, yummy! Mmm--oof!
Hmm?
Ta-da! Check out the hat!
But it's--is it a-- it's an otter wearing a hat!
That is so funny! Oh, my goodness.
This is a brochure photo op for sure.
Where is that adorable scamp of a lemur?
Ah! Oh!
Maurice, what is the problem?
I am giving the man my bestest poses:
the "you caught me by surprise, oh,"
the "contemplating the meaning of life,"
the "my fur is so soft,
so very, very soft."
Maybe he's not clicking because Mort isn't here.
Ah, well. There's always yesterday's news.
[sploosh]
[yelps] Maurice, find Mort.
I need his photogenicness-ness.
Mort? Mort! Where are--huh?
- [cooing] - Now, this, this is the stuff.
This is what I like to see.
Psst! Hey, Private, is Skipper around?
- Go, Maurice. I'm busy. - Thanks.
Skipper, you gotta help me. Mort's missing!
Look, he only ate half his icy-pop!
So?
Let me say that again. He only ate half his icy-pop!
What you're saying is, Mort's met with foul play.
- Foul play? - Yo.
The fuzzball is out of the picture.
- Wink, wink. - Oh, no!
- [smack] - Ooh, ugly.
But pick yourself up. Dust yourself off.
We can save this.
[gasp] I told them not to do anything.
This isn't my fault, is it?
I don't know. Is it?
Mort? What did they do to you?
I am a ghost now.
[giggles]
- Private, fall in! - [whimpers]
What, all of a sudden he's camera shy?
This I do not need!
Now listen up. Someone swiped Sad Eyes.
Nuh-uh. I'm right here.
He's vanished without a trace. No one has seen him in hours.
This penguin sees me, don't you, penguin?
- Shh! - How's that, Private?
Shh--shouldn't we search the lemur habitat,
- you know, for clues? - Right! Let's roll!
What kind of heartless sicko
would snatch that cute little lumpkin?
- [gulp] - Mort was the photographer's
- new favorite. - [giggles]
I'm intamnigable!
So this was tied to the brochure cover?
Uh-oh. He knows.
Without a doubt,
which means the culprit must be...
- Marlene! - Hey, guys,
I need your opinion. Which is more cover model,
pink or polka dots?
Marlene, you do know that Mort is missing.
Oh, my gosh. That is terrible.
- So pink? - Oh, definitely pink.
That's what I thought. Thanks!
Go on, Kowalski. You were saying?
Here it comes.
I was saying the culprit is--
Me! I did it! I had to!
Mort was camera hogging all my glory! [sobs]
Who knew the depths of my depravity?
You didn't do it. I was with you the whole time.
Really?
Okay, disregard the tearful confession, then.
Even though I'm a ghost, I still love your feet! Yay!
Try again, Kowalski. Who's our culprit?
The culprit is...
- Private! - Ahhh!
You don't look so good.
Bothered about this Sad Eyes business, eh?
Um, yes, Skipper, very bothered.
Take five. I need everyone at peak performance
if we're gonna flush out this maniac.
[giggles] He said "flush."
Can I just finish my sentence, please?
The culprit is...
someone exceedingly mean
or at the very least not nice.
Gosh, I'm sorry, Mort.
I never meant for this to happen.
Okay. Can I have a icy-pop now?
No, Mort. You're a ghost.
I know! Look! Hi, wormies!
That means you can never have an icy-pop again.
You give me icy-pop,
or I will haunt you!
- No! No, Mort. Please! Don't! - I will haunt you
and haunt you and haunt you
until you are very, very scareded.
No! No!
No! Oof!
Private, did you find the clue
that cracks this case wide open?
No, he found the two clues
that crack this case wide open.
Bada, Bing. Top drawer work, Private.
You led us right to the real villains.
I found a icy-pop! Yay!
- Oh. - You got any threes?
Go sleep with the fishes.
- Hiyah! - Ow! Hey.
- [violent scuffling] - Hey, ouch!
- Brutalize them in the eyes! - For Mort!
- Oh, hey! - What did you do to Sad Eyes,
- you monsters? - Stop!
Don't attack Bada and Bing, guys!
This is my fault!
They only took Mort because I was jealous of him.
[giggles] I'm translusifent!
Private, are you saying you're in cahoots
- with these hooligans? - Yeah, that's right.
We had an understanding and whatnot.
No, we had a misunderstanding.
Yes, I was jealous, but I never wanted you
- to hurt Mort. - Hurt?
Whoa, we wouldn't hurt the little guy.
Yeah, he's adorable over there. Look.
This icy-pop is all melty. Can I have another?
Sure, knock yourself out.
I like it here.
- So... - I'm just a figgy-ment
of your guilty imagabination!
[smooch]
Yeah, we was just entertaining him
- while that shutterbug was here. - You know,
keep him "outta the picture" for Private over here.
Oh, well, that's all rather innocent, isn't it?
Oh, that's me!
It sure is, Mort,
and congratulations, honestly.
Enough with the chitty-chat.
Mort, back to the cutting and pasting!
Ah, now that is adorable! Look at him. Ooh.
[suspenseful music]
What a beautiful day, huh?
I'd say borderline glorious, Marlene.
It's days like these that--
[clang]
What? What is that?
- [boom] - Oof!
Is this an ambush, boys, or an invitation to teatime?
Sorry, Skipper. We just can't get the drop on you.
Don't tell me. You asked them to attack you.
Gotta stay frosty, Marlene.
When you've danced with lady chaos
as many times as I have, you can never tell
- when or where-- - Look out!
Now, that's what I'm talking about, Kowalski.
- You almost had me. - Uh, yeah.
- Those darts weren't mine. - Ooh, my mistake.
Top-notch work there, Private.
- Not mine either, Skipper. - Really?
- Then... Rico? - Nuh-uh.
Well, then who?
- [clapping] - That clapping.
I know that icy cold clapping.
- [flames crackling] - [tense music]
[claps] Ah, Skipper.
All these years,
and you haven't missed a step.
Hans! What are you doing here?
I came to see you, my old foe.
Uh, guys? Who's the duck?
Marlene, meet Hans,
the deadliest puffin in all of Denmark.
- Puffins are deadly? - Deadly, two-faced,
treacherous! They can't be trusted.
Oh, Skipper, please.
I've come to say sorry about the Copenhagen incident.
It was my bad.
Your bad made me Denmark's public enemy number one!
You're the reason Skipper can't go to Denmark?
Oh, why dwell on the past?
Can we not be friends now?
- Friends? - [thwack]
Yes, friends. Chums. Palsy-walsys.
I would be honored to be a guest in your home.
Oh, lovely! We can host a get-to-know-you barbecue!
[jabbers]
We'll invite everyone in the zoo
and wear festive hats.
Ooh, I'll bring the clams!
I like festive hats and clams.
- [pop] - I will never, ever, ever
be palsy-walsys with that puffin!
So what was it that happened in Denmark, anyway?
Oh, it is such a long story
with so many twists and chases and explosions!
You wouldn't be interested.
No, I would, really.
Skipper! I have brought you
a hand-drawn greeting card!
It says, "Roses are red. Posies are green.
Sorry about Denmark. I was too mean.
- Your pal, Hans." - [whirring]
I also brought flowers.
- [thwack] - [explodes]
And homemade Danishes.
Come now, Skipper, treat yourself.
[whoosh]
Hmph!
No sense in these going to waste.
Skipper, give Hans a chance.
He just wants to be your pal.
Marlene, I don't know what that sick seabird wants,
but it ain't friendship.
Are you sure, Skipper?
I mean, his Danishes are delicious!
Mm! Pass me another puffin muffin.
Oh, don't eat the puffin's puff pastries.
- They're evil. - A bit rich, maybe,
- but evil seems a trifle-- - Ow!
Skipper, your deep-seated paranoia
is understandable, even admirable,
but I believe science can show us it is wrong.
Here is a pie chart of gifts one might give to a friend:
cards, flowers, pastries, and of course, pie.
- Yum. - On the other hand,
here are things one might give to an enemy:
wedgies, contagious viruses, flaming sacks of doo-doo,
- and of course, poisoned pie. - Not yum.
Given the evidence, we must conclude
Hans' friendship overtures are indeed sincere.
Come on, you can do this, Skipper.
Mm!
[inhale] Fine.
- I still smell double-cross. - Shh!
Hans, Skipper has something he'd like to say to you.
Okay. I extend to you my flipper in friendship.
- Can I go now? - I never thought
I'd see the day... please, Skipper,
take this gift as a token of my gratitude.
Well, thank you, Hans.
I don't really know what to say.
- [explodes] - [yells]
Come on, the exploding rope bomb?
You didn't see that coming?
And this is why we never forgive and forget!
[grunts]
Uh, what's going on over there?
Hm. Someone is sacrificing penguins to the volcano.
Eh, these things happen.
- [all yells] - Ow!
Hans, it's a fake volcano.
There's no lava down here.
Oh, I had no plans to fry you, Skipper.
I only need this phony-baloney volcano
to hold you for precisely 38.2 seconds,
in which time I will complete my--aahhh!
[boing]
Stop that puffin!
Um, hello? Guys?
- Oof! - [grunts]
No good. He's locked us out.
[sploosh]
Ah, Skipper.
This is the perfect revenge.
[radar pinging]
Here in the heart
of one of the largest cities on earth,
with all your weapons at my wing tips,
do you know what I can do?
He can help animals in trouble, just like we do.
Oh, sure, Private,
and then he'll fly away on his magic unicorn,
spreading rainbows and pixie dust wherever he goes.
- Hans has a magic unicorn? - [smack]
Oh, I guess not.
[suspenseful music]
All clear.
[keys beeping]
[beeping]
Hans will never see this coming.
No one knows about our secret entrance but us.
Right you are, young Private.
And nobody knows about our intricate booby traps.
Nobody could possibly get past them,
not even us.
Oh, wait.
[gasps]
[alarm sounds]
[thud]
Aagh!
[grunts]
[darts whooshing]
[wheels squeaking]
Aww.
[explosion]
Okay, we can't get to Hans.
So we'll just turn up the heat.
Hm, where to begin?
The orbital death ray? Nah.
[hissing]
Hmm.
Hot enough for you, Hans?
Kowalski, right now the temperature in that lair
is sweltering, with a high chance of back sweat.
No seabird can withstand that magnitude of mugginess.
All we have to do is wait until Hans flees
- and then grab him. - Roger that.
- I'll see you topside. Oh! - [boom]
- That was a Christmas present. - [boom]
Any moment now, we'll grab Hans.
Any moment.
Here it comes.
Get ready.
Run, Skipper, run!
- [boom] - [laugh maniacally]
[thwack]
[gasps] She's going to blow!
[explodes]
Just wait.
So we finish it with fish.
Just like Denmark. [yells]
[both yelling and grunting]
You cannot win, Skipper!
I am fueled by a boiling hate, a raging fury!
And a babbling beak!
Oof! You should know that I kissed your sister
- on the lips! - I don't have a sister,
and if I did, she wouldn't have lips.
Really? Then who did I kiss? Ow!
Don't even think about it, Hans.
Your cold-blooded vengeance spree ends here.
[sobbing]
Hey, are you-- you're not crying, are you?
No, no, no. I just have a little... [coughs]
[bawls]
What is to become of Hans the puffin now?
- I have no home! - No home?
The Danes finally caught on to me
and my devilish schemes,
and they banned me from my own home!
So that's why you took my HQ?
It wasn't revenge?
Oh, there was a little revenge,
but it was mostly because I have nowhere to go.
I am a puffin without a perch!
Hans, I think I know what you need.
[engine rumbling]
Yeah, I'm here to pick up a transfer for the Hoboken Zoo.
[robotic voice] Yes, we will load it right away.
How about this weather? Hot enough for you?
[thuds]
So this Hoboken Zoo, it is nice?
I'll be honest with you, Hans.
It's a disease-riddled cesspool. [laughs]
I get the five-day forecast, but do we need the ten-day?
What are they, fortune-tellers?
Okay, you're all set.
Right, see ya later... [quietly] freak.
[engine rumbling]
Well, that wraps up that chapter of my life
- in a nice little bow. - Except I still don't know
- what happened in Denmark. - Oh, young Private.
That's between me, Hans, and the Danes.
Get your own secret life.
Hey, guys! Still trapped in here!
Come on! [groans]
[tense detective music]