[bell tolls]
[brassy detective music]
♪ ♪
- Hit it. - ♪ Hey-oh, yah, hah ♪
- ♪ Oh, hey-oh ♪ - Yeah.
- ♪ Hey-oh ♪ - ♪ Yeah, oh-hey-oh ♪
[camera shutter clicks]
Cute and cuddly, boys.
[dramatic instrumental music]
♪ ♪
[birds chirping]
Ah, nothing like an old-fashioned Sunday drive.
Eh, Private?
Blow darts. Hard left.
Daah!
Aw, man.
[screams]
[whimpering]
Oh, no.
[muttering]
Yeow!
Excellent reaction time, Private.
You're really getting the hang of this combat driving course.
Mind the chain saw.
[screams]
[tires screech]
[tires squeal]
My baby.
Aah!
Someone please save my baby.
Wha?
Think fast, Private. That ain't no baby.
[beeping]
Aah!
Oh, baby.
Just feel the road.
There you guys are.
Evasive.
[tires screech]
[crash]
Not bad, Private.
But had that been a decoy elephant foot
loaded with TNT,
you and I wouldn't be having this conversation.
Is--is that likely to happen often, Skipper?
Well, why don't we ask Manfredi and Johnson?
Oh, we can't...
'cause they fell for the old exploding elephant foot.
So what's the trouble, long trunks?
You guys got to help me.
I got to get out of the zoo and across town today.
Ooh, a breakout.
Mm, complicated by cross-town transport
of the largest living land mammal.
That's a tall order on short notice,
my ginormous friend.
Why the urgency?
Let's just say an elephant never forgets.
Uh... [muttering]
Ooh, dark and sinister sounding
with a classic pachyderm cliché.
Big man, you play me like a fiddle.
Our first obstacle is Alice.
We'll have to keep her too busy to notice jumbo's exodus.
Perhaps some sort of large mess to clean.
But what would be the ideal location
for maximum filthy-osity?
The public restrooms. Of course.
All we need is one strategically placed stink bomb.
Organic or chemical?
Well, let's go green on this one.
Big gray, what did you eat for breakfast?
Big broccoli and cabbage burrito.
Why?
Perfecto.
♪ La-da, da, da-da ♪
[groaning]
What in the world?
[screams]
Excellent craftsmanship.
Ah, the burrito did most of the work.
I don't know.
It doesn't really look like me.
Wait for it.
Wow!
It's like looking in a mirror.
Private, where are we on the elefante camouflage?
Ready for Burt's fittings, Skipper.
Now remember, if anyone asks, your name is
Frosty fun times ice cream truck number 26.
You were trained as a laundry service vehicle,
but on your 18th birthday, you decided
to follow your dream and never look back.
Why would anyone ask a truck about--
Don't confuse the man with questions, Private.
It's a very complicated alias.
Frosty fun times. Got it.
Ready to go.
Right. Now, slow and steady.
We don't want anyone getting...
suspicious.
Steady.
You're doing great, Burt.
I mean, Frosty.
[sniffing] Skipper.
I am detecting a growing scent of pine and lemony freshness.
[sniffing]
Sweet Santa's sweat glands.
That restroom's nearly shipshape.
We got to move out. Right now!
- Ice cream! - Ice cream man!
Okay.
Um...
okay, okay.
I want three fudgie budgies
and one of those bars shaped like a president.
Uh...
Melon Fillmore.
No, no, wait.
Make it a Rutherford B. Hazelnut.
- I want ice cream. - Give me, give me, give me.
Ringtail, we're engaged in covert operations here.
And I am engaged in somebody
who's clearly not understanding customer service.
Mort, teach Mr. Icy Creamy some manners.
Aah!
Ooh.
Nyaah!
[whimpers]
Ah, finally.
The final flush.
She's done.
Cover is blown.
Abort, men. Abort.
No. We don't abort for nothing.
Whoa!
Let's ride.
Hyow.
All clear.
Gee, thanks, guys.
We're always happy to help out a suspiciously vague cause.
Huh, and remember, I owe you one now,
and an elephant never forgets!
Hmm.
I think I'd like to throw
a few more hay bales on that elephant decoy.
I feel like I underpadded the buttocks.
Good call.
I've lost too many good men to buttock inaccuracies.
Let's move.
Skipper. I found something.
Ugh.
Huh? Uh?
Well, this is, uh, disturbing...
to me.
Anyone?
I'm disturbed as well, Skipper.
That boy with the kazoo.
Could it be...
the legendary Kid Kazoo?
Kid Kazoo?
You know, Kid Kazoo.
The scourge of the Central Park Zoo.
Surely you must have heard the tales.
He was a Sunday regular, a real piece of work
with a smile like a bear trap,
a laugh like a deranged birthday clown.
[cackling]
But the sickest thing was that kazoo,
yowling like a kindergarten orchestra.
Yu-how!
- [Kazoo shrieks] - Ow.
Aah!
That sounds horrible.
Kazoos always do, Private.
But nobody had it worse than poor Burt.
With his jumbo-sized ears, that incessant buzzing
was sheer torture.
[Kazoo shrieks]
He hated that boy.
[laughs]
I wondered what ever happened to the little maniac.
Wait a minute.
Look at those shifty eyes,
that devious half smile, those kazoo-kissed lips.
By Newton's apple, you're right.
It's Kid Kazoo all grown up.
- Wow. - Burt really holds a grudge.
For years, apparently.
I knew it sounded dark and sinister,
but this is darker, sinster-er.
Elephant payback. [shudders]
The trunk crusher, the peanut pelter,
maybe even the dreaded two-cheek squab and squish.
Oh, dear.
Uh, whatever it is,
we helped him start this mission of vengeance,
and we're gonna stop it.
Lenny, listen to me.
I don't care what the margins are, okay.
Sell it.
Spit it out like you found a bug in it.
And then...
Ha...
Yeah, Lenny, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Cool? Okay.
Love to the family. Buh-bye.
Aaaaah!
The hair is clearly pachydermic in origin
and fresh.
A quick read of wind speed and direction tells me
Burt went that way.
[screaming]
[growling]
Come on. Come on.
Yes? Hello.
You have reached the Animal Control emergency hotline.
If you know the type of animal trying to gore you,
please say it now.
Elephant.
El-e-phant.
Elephant!
You said everglades pygmy sunfish.
First, step out of the bayou onto dry land.
What are talking--
I just pressed a button.
For fish, press one.
You don't know how long I've waited for this,
Kid Kazoo.
Back away from that broker, you psycho.
P-p-penguins.
Now there's penguins?
You said Puebloan milk snake.
Yaah!
No.
You guys don't understand.
I have to do this.
Then I'm afraid we'll have to do this.
Ha!
[all groaning]
Quit it.
Hey, cut it out.
Aw, come on.
[yelling]
Oomph.
Outstanding, Private.
Now show me that combat driving.
But, Skipper, how do you steer an elephant?
Ah, the eternal riddle.
Does one truly steer the elephant,
or does the elephant--
Ugh.
Blat.
[belching]
Ooh, peanuts.
Yaah!
Oh!
[all yell]
No. No!
[gasps]
Good golly. It's the two-cheeker.
[groans]
What are you doing?
What's going on?
Did the psychoderm miss?
My old kazoo.
But I lost this thing years ago at--
at the Central Park Zoo.
Wait.
You're that elephant?
He didn't lose it; I took it.
I snorted right out of his pocket
when he wasn't looking.
I felt so guilty,
I've been trying to give it back ever since.
And you couldn't have told us that in the first place?
Great.
Ah, I just get so embarrassed.
You know, it's mushy stuff.
[hums kazoo]
[laughs] It still works.
Cool.
But I thought you hated that kid and his kazoo.
An elephant never forgets.
But he always forgives.
Right.
A little sappy for my taste.
Gentlemen, let's go home.
But, Skipper, how are we supposed to sneak Burt
back to the zoo?
Hmm.
Now, remember, if anyone asks,
your name is the Museum of Modern Art.
You can call me MoMa.
[Spanish guitar music]
♪ ♪
I'm so excited, Marlene.
This'll solve all your problems.
Um, not sure what problems I'm having, but okay.
Meet the Love-u-lator 3000.
Uh-huh.
Using scientifically proven methods,
it will scientifically locate your ideal match
according to science.
Yeah, good.
Real quick, one thing-- what?
I mentioned science, right?
Uh-huh.
It'll find your dream date, Marlene.
You'll be lonely no more.
Who said I was lonely?
You didn't have to.
We're sensitive.
- [belches] - Mostly.
We just figured a single otter in the big city...
- Is... - Lonely.
The crushing solitude is eating you alive.
Um, no.
No, I'm--I'm good.
And why are you guys suddenly interested
in my social life anyway?
All right, we needed a guinea pig,
and you were the closest species.
Genetically speaking.
Kowalski's invention works.
Think of all the defense applications.
Defense applications of the Love-u-lator?
Limitless.
Rico, spit-fishing time.
Wait, wait, wait. Spit w--
Aah.
Blah.
[beeping]
Now that we have a saliva sample,
DNA cross-referencing will do its thing.
Aha.
Your new beau is...
is...
is not in the zoo.
Adjust sensitivity.
Expand search perimeter.
And, uh, try that knob.
[beeping]
There he is. In the park.
Ooh la la.
The lady walks on the wild side.
Heh-heh.
Okay, let's roll, men.
Guys, I am not looking for a date.
Marlene,
this is a scientifically engineered hookup.
Respect the science.
Move out, men. Double time.
I can't wait to meet Marlene's new boyfriend.
[gasps] Maurice.
Those penguins are going to meet Marlene's new boyfriend.
Huh. Good for her.
No, not good for her.
She already has a boyfriend.
She does?
Uh, yes, silly. It's me!
You?
Let me guess.
Marlene doesn't know you're her boyfriend, right?
Well, I have been meaning to mention it to her.
But I can see now, I must step up my wooing.
[sighs] All right.
We'll need flowers, candy, and, uh...
No, no, no, Maurice.
The only way to win this competition
is to eliminate the other competition.
[sighs] All right.
We'll need a sack, clubs, and rope.
Yes, Maurice.
Now you are thinking romantically.
[beeping]
He's near. Very near.
In fact, he's here.
Gentlemen, Marlene's perfect match...
Hello.
Oh, no. Not that guy.
What guy?
It's what the love-u-lator says.
Well, maybe Fred is the one.
Private, come on.
Marlene is smart.
Fred is...
Ba-duh-diff.
Yes, but, um...
opposites attract.
Hmm.
Folksy wisdom.
It must be true.
Penguins are ridiculous.
Like I need them to set me up.
Come on.
Hello, Marlene.
You guys. Hello?
I told you, I don't want--
Marlene,
I am begging you in a hushed whisper,
please, do this for me.
I am losing faith in science, and if I don't have science,
I don't have...
[sobbing] I'm sorry.
Okay, Kowalski. Relax.
I will do this for you, but you owe me.
Marlene, this is Fred.
He's a squirrel.
Yeah, yeah. The tail's a giveaway.
Hey, Fred. What's up?
Um... sky.
A few clouds.
Oh, I get it. Up. Yeah.
Well, he's got a sense of humor.
All righty, Fred. Let's get to know you.
What makes Fred tick?
What does Fred like?
What does he dislike?
Oh, I like a lot of things, except the things I don't like.
Stupid things I don't like.
You are really funny.
And...
kind of, sort of cute.
Is this actually working?
Oh, science, I never should have doubted you.
Well, let's give these lovebirds some alone time.
Roll out.
Oh, Fred.
I so didn't expect this, but I feel like we're--
I don't know, I feel like we're clicking.
Okay.
Hey, when I look in your eyes, you know what I see?
- What? - Me.
Oh.
That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever--
Um, could you hold still?
I got some lettuce in my teeth.
Stop, you joker.
I'm being serious.
Okay.
Okay, big question:
how do you feel about Spanish guitar?
Aaah!
You've got a-- a thing on your face.
It's a mole or...
no, maybe a chipmunk or--
whoa-ho.
I'm a distraction.
[laughs]
Fred.
Fred?
And now to check on my little love experiment
and see if the subjects are "digging" each other.
[chuckles]
Lemurs stole my date!
G-gaa-gaah!
Whoa. Where--where are we?
This is the reptile house.
I selected it for, you know, mood.
Mood.
Very nice.
No, not nice.
Savage.
We are here to fight for Marlene's paw.
Ah, she can keep her paw.
I already have four of my own.
Ugh. Might as well sit down.
This is gonna take a while.
Huh, what is it she sees in you?
It cannot be the bushy tail.
My tail is the bushiest.
The shiny fur? No.
This is have as well, as you can see.
What do you have that I do not?
Big teeth.
[gasps] The teeth.
Mine are puny.
They lack pearly magnificence.
But, Maurice, give to me your teeth.
Okay.
[grunting]
Now get up on the lemur habitat.
No one's there.
Okay, this--this is crazy.
What could the lemurs possibly want with my boyfriend?
Boyfriend.
Who knows what sick and twisted things
they're doing to him.
Rico, tracking mode.
[slurping]
Hmm.
[sniffing]
[muttering] Aha!
Ooh, he's got something.
This way, men.
Heh...
Hee-ha-ha, ha!
Ha, hoo, ha, hiya!
Um, I'm supposed to do what with this again?
Hit me.
But you're already doing that to yourself.
But...
I told--
listen to--
[groans]
Hurry. We've got to find boo boo.
- Boo boo? - Boo boo?
That's my cute nickname for Fred.
You know, not that it's any of your business.
Cutesy nicknames.
Fantastic.
Oh, come on, you lollygagger.
You're not even trying.
Just put your back into it and swing.
Do what now?
Oof!
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, that is what you are supposed to be doing.
Nice shot.
Thanks.
Aah!
Oh!
We're coming, Fred!
We're coming!
I've cracked the love code. Oh, baby!
I will take those showy-offy teeth
right out of your nut face.
Aaaah!
Whaaah!
Aaaah, haha!
Aah!
When I find Julien,
I am gonna rip him limb from limb,
sew him back together,
then rip him apart all over again.
[yelling]
Sounds like someone beat you to it.
Einstein's mullet.
[gasp]
What in the name of all that is decent and good
have you done to him?
Nothing. He did it to himself.
Sadly, this is true.
You win, Freddy squirrel.
You may have the paw of the lovely Marlene.
You--you guys were fighting over me?
Julien, I am not some prize.
Yes, now that I look you over,
especially from this unflattering angle,
I have decided you are right, you are no prize.
Wait, wait, wait. Wh-what?
Maurice, cart me away.
Oh!
Gently, Maurice.
Gently.
So, Fred, how about you show me the town?
It's right over there.
You kidder.
You are kidding, right?
[sighs]
I wonder how the rest of Marlene's date went.
I'm sure it was a many-splendored theme.
Well, it had to be.
It was scientifically guaranteed.
Hey, guys.
So, uh, Fred... yeah.
Not happening.
- What? - Yeah.
It turns out what I thought was him being funny
was actually him just being uh... uh...
Dumb as a sack of hammers?
Let's just say I did not hear Spanish guitar
when we were together.
But science led us right to him.
Science said he was perfect.
Science! Why have you forsaken me?
Aaaah!
[beeping]
Fred, amigo, where have you been?
Hey, Antonio.
I met this girl, but it didn't work out.
She kept laughing at me for no reason.
Oh, sorry to hear that, Fred.
It's hard to find that special lady.
Just ask me, the otter bachelor of Central Park.
What's odder about being a bachelor?
Oh, ho, ho. You and that sense of humor.
Anyway...
I'm going to play my Spanish guitar now.
[Spanish guitar music]
♪ ♪