MAN: All right, man versus dog. My advice: open your mind.
Each of you weighs average of, what-- 180 pounds.
Your average dog: 80 pounds, man.
So if you fought an 80-pound dude,
you'd spend half of it laughing
and all of it fucking that little motherfucker up.
So, approach it like you're fighting
a little, weird 80-pound man with powerful jaws.
Let's talk technique.
One that works well-- simply allow your dog opponent
to clamp down on a lesser-used limb,
like, say, your left arm, which allows you four minutes
to beat the fucking shit out of 'em
with your advantaged right hand.
K.O.
You guys know what that is?
Knock out! Brain damage.
That's what "K.O." fucking means.
You render their fucking brains damaged
until they lose consciousness.
So, fight the fucking dog like a fucking dog
and go right at his ass and let him bite a lesser limb.
Then knock the little motherfucker out
by punching him in the fucking little dog head,
where his little fuckin' dog brain is!
They're trained to take you down,
so I'm training you to take them down,
which I pretty much just did.
All right, uh, please turn to page nine,
and we'll learn how to knock a woman unconscious
with a bicycle.
("Sure Shot" by Beastie Boys playing)
♪ 'Cause you can't, you won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Well, you can't, you won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Mike D, come and rock the sure shot ♪
♪ I've got the brand-new doo-doo ♪
♪ Guaranteed like Yoo-hoo ♪
♪ I'm on like Dr. John, yeah, Mr. Zu Zu ♪
♪ I'm a newlywed, I'm not a divorcée, yeah ♪
♪ And everything I do is funky like Lee Dorsey ♪
♪ Well, it's The Taking of the Pelham One Two Three ♪
♪ If you want a doo-doo rhyme, then come see me ♪
♪ I've got the savoir faire with the unique rhymin' ♪
♪ I keep it on and on, it's never quittin' time and ♪
♪ Strictly handheld is the style I go ♪
♪ Never rock the mic with the pantyhose ♪
♪ I strap on my ear goggles and I'm ready to go ♪
♪ 'Cause at the boards is the man they call the Mario ♪
♪ Pull up at the function and you know I Kojak ♪
♪ To all the party people that are on my bozack ♪
♪ I've got more action than my man John Woo ♪
♪ And I've got mad hits like I was Rod Carew, yeah ♪
♪ Because you can't, you won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Oh, well, you can't, you won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ I keep my underwear up with a piece of elastic ♪
♪ Use a bullshit mic that's made out of plastic ♪
♪ To send my rhymes out to all the nations ♪
♪ Like Ma Bell, I got the ill communication ♪
♪ 'Cause you can't, you won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Well, you can't, you won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Keep on and rockin' the sure shot. ♪
(papers rustling)
(cars whoosh, horns honk in distance)
I'm gonna be the only one wearing a tie, Mom.
How long has it been since you've changed your clothes?
Oh, three days.
Something.
Well, when's the last time
you had some time off with your wife?
Long time.
Well, then put some effort into it.
You're very handsome.
Thanks.
♪ ♪
Walking into Paris
To become soûlard
That means drunk
And it's so pretty
And my friends are with me
And I don't know the word for dope
But I bet I'm stoned later
I'm not alone
Someone will help me
My friends are with me
Even Ron's here
That's probably 'cause
He has to track important stuff on his phone
But I'm not gonna sweat work related shit now
'Cause my friends are with me
And it's gonna be a good day
Even though I'm the only guy in a tie
Neither was John Wayne, by the way.
WOMAN: I'm sorry?
John Wayne was not John Wayne, by the way.
John Wayne was not John Wayne?
His name was Marion Morrison.
John Wayne's a fake name.
He also shirked World War II.
Flat feet.
Then pretended to fight in it, bravely.
Which makes him, in my book, a jerk.
My guess is that lots of dead guys
were flat feet in Flanders field, you know,
and elsewhere.
There's a...
There's a condition that
young men who are exposed to the serial violence
you find in war suffer from.
They snap under the weight of the...
the pressure of having to remain brave
and to not indicate, you know,
personal suffering and pain.
It's called the John Wayne Syndrome.
I used to have this T-shirt.
My workout shirt.
See, it hurts to exercise
the remaining portion of my right leg
because there's-there's atrophy.
Moving around, it's...
(chuckles) it's an ordeal.
And you can see it on my face when I exercise.
I used to be ashamed of that.
Then I took out a magic marker
and I wrote, "Fuck John Wayne"
on this fucking T-shirt I'm talking about.
And that allowed me to be...
less tender about people here and there
seeing me suffering.
You have to find a way to-to relieve that pain,
or-or you'll be one of those kids who breaks
and doesn't come back.
You must be Rob Saperstein.
Why?
You look like someone my son would really like.
Oh, okay.
Cool.
Tom Tavner.
Okay.
All right. You ready?
Oh, yeah. I'm ready. Yeah.
Okay. Let's... Come on.
R.I.P., John Lakeman.
-R.I.P. -R.I.P.
-Hear, hear.
-R.I.P. -Cheers.
JOHN: R.I.P.
Hey, Ron.
-Drink. -I can't.
I got to track shit all the time.
-Just one. -Uh, staying sharp.
-No. -Half?
Staying sharp. Thank you.
What was the hardest part?
Of being Lakeman?
The technical terms.
Uh, knuckle hamplers and...
tamped patch prim fixtures,
-and... -EDWARD: He's drunk already.
Those are real words, man, right?
Yeah, they are.
They're real.
(laughing): He's so drunk.
Ooh, maybe he'll dance.
ALICE: Oh, that would be so good.
EDWARD: Are you gonna dance later, guy?
I'm not that bad, man.
(Edward chuckles)
EDWARD: You are the worst dancer in the world.
(laughs softly)
And I have been all over the world,
on committees and stuff, as a future former congressman.
(Alice laughs)
You're the worst. Like, globally.
He-he dances like Bruce Springsteen when he dragged
that girl from Friends onto the stage.
Doesn't he?
Yeah, a little bit.
But I like it. I like it, though.
EDWARD: Yeah, right.
Hey, hey.
Let's get in a fight.
What?
Let's get in a fight with some other guys.
Uh, like, another group.
Man, Gregory gets violent when he drinks.
-(soft laughter) -Did you...
You're so peaceful, normally, man.
And you're kind of violent, normally.
And when you get drunk, you're pretty peaceful.
Yeah, you do get really sweet when you get drunk.
I want to dance.
Fuck, yeah.
Oh, my God!
Watch this.
("Dis Moi" by Kad Achouri playing)
How did you know?
To-to find me?
We were on a boat.
A boat ride, and he mentioned you.
Oh, cool.
Some kind of splash deal
when you were together.
-Oh. -He said you two had fun.
-(laughing): Cool. -Yeah.
Uh, Afternoon Splash.
Oh, well, cool.
That's... that's not exactly right,
but-but I get it.
Well, go have fun.
Oh.
O-Okay.
("Commando Fada" by Massilia playing)
♪ ♪
Hey, man.
Yeah, man?
I was scared, man.
About what, man?
You, man.
Your message-- "Double Great," man.
Yeah.
That was...
Yeah.
I'm in bad shape.
Me, too.
Emotionally.
And physically, too, I guess, which...
What?
Which...
You know, I don't know.
It's not a bad thing, I-I guess,
under some circumstances.
Which circumstances?
Only...
when you try and hang yourself from your kayak
and it-it can't support your weight, and...
Because it has a crack.
Circumstances like that.
I'm glad you're still here.
(grunts): Eh.
"Ring the bells that still can ring.
"Forget your perfect offering.
"There's a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in."
I learned this from Icabod.
It's pretty cool.
Shh.
("Death of a Clown" by The Kinks playing)
♪ My makeup is dry ♪
♪ And it cracks round my chin ♪
♪ I'm drowning my sorrows ♪
♪ In whiskey and gin ♪
♪ The lion tamer's whip ♪
♪ Doesn't crack anymore ♪
♪ The lions, they won't fight ♪
♪ And the tigers won't roar ♪
♪ Ooh, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ So let's all drink ♪
♪ To the death of a clown ♪
♪ Won't someone help me ♪
♪ To break up this crown ♪
♪ Let's all drink ♪
♪ To the death of a clown ♪
♪ Ooh, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
(indistinct conversations)
♪ Let's all drink ♪
♪ To the death of a clown ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la... ♪
All right.
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la... ♪
(song fades out)
WOMAN: So at what point that day
did it become the plan to pool your money together
and go and buy the accordion boy?
After laser tag.
I want to recant that. May I?
It was after we roved to the park,
and were at a particular café together, drinking.
After we were at a particular pub, drinking.
Before laser tag.
And whose idea was it?
Um...
I thi-I think it was John Lakeman's.
I think it would've been John's, that day.
I recall, clearly, that day,
he was full of warm feelings and pilsners.
I bet we could do it.
How much can buying a kid cost, anyway?
Not, like, a million.
How much can buying a kid cost, Icabod?
I don't know, I've never bought a kid before, John.
(laughs)
I think, like, 1,800 bucks, ballpark.
We're, like, a hundred bucks short.
I got a hundred euro.
Cool.
No, I... no, I mean, in...
in my whole life.
But it's for freedom.
-Yeah! -EDWARD: Yeah!
("The Way" by Neil Young playing)
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ The way, we know the way ♪
♪ We've seen the way ♪
♪ We'll show the way to get you back home ♪
♪ To the peace where you belong ♪
♪ If you're lost and think you can't be found ♪
♪ We know the way ♪
♪ We've got the way ♪
♪ We'll lead the way to get you back home ♪
♪ To the peace where you belong ♪
♪ The way, we know the way ♪
♪ We've seen the way ♪
♪ We'll show the way to get you back home ♪
♪ To the peace where you belong... ♪
That fuckin' dude right there.
(others chuckling)
Yeah. (sniffs)
Why is he still with us?
I think he thinks we own him now or something.
ALICE: I'll explain it to him.
Do you speak English?
I speak Romanian.
No way.
How many different languages you speak, Dennis?
If there's oil there, then... yeah,
I can speak the language, pretty much.
Cool. Tell him he's free.
He doesn't have to stay with us.
He can just run free.
What's your name?
-Thomash. -Thomash.
You can run free, Thomash.
You can go. We didn't buy you to, like, buy you.
We bought you so you don't have to play the fucking accordion
your whole life, man.
-Did you tell him he can go? -Yeah.
Why didn't he go?
I don't know.
Maybe he feels a bond
or something.
Say mean things to him.
Like... like, you never liked him anyway.
Just, you know... Like in the movies.
Like-like-like-like, he's a movie horse.
(laughing)
Go, Thomash.
We hate you.
Leave.
(grunts)
You have...
a fucked up face.
And a fucked up little haircut.
Go, little douche.
(laughing, cheering)
ALICE: Run! Run, movie horse!
You see that?
The day kind of dipped a little.
Little bit.
Anybody want to try to score some more weed?
Good thinking.
You think y-you're a good dancer?
(chuckles)
I never said I was a good dancer.
I said you are a bad dancer.
Y-You don't like my moves?
You don't have any moves.
F-Feeling... good.
That's not a move.
Well... well, what is it, then?
GLENN: John Lakeman.
JOHN: What?
John Lakeman, I'm Sergeant Glenn Perdue.
Milwaukee Police Department.
Can I ask you some questions?
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck, man, this is...
kind of a th-thing here.
-What? -Fuck.
I got to, like, es-escape from the situation.
Can you do something to the normal guy?
Like what?
Like, fuck him up or something?
And then we can run away from the other guys.
'Cause I'm really fast, and you guys are probably normal fast.
And they're not going to be, 'cause that one's tiny,
and he has to, like, take twice as many strides
as the rest of us.
And that one... one guy's got one leg.
JOHN: Yeah. All right.
Wha... What?
(chuckles)
Go... knock out the normal guy.
Nah.
Wh-Why?
H-He's not normal.
He just looks normal.
Nah, I don't... I don't want to.
(whispers): Hey. Gregory will fuckin' do it.
(laughing)
Yeah. He... he got all riled up there before.
Hey, Gregory?
Yeah. Yeah.
-Hey. -What's up?
These-these guys, uh...
-What? -These guys were saying
some fucked-up shit about you, man.
What were they saying?
Um... what do you care about?
Like, in my life?
Yeah.
Like, my hobbies?
Yeah, okay.
Well, I collect and assemble miniature train sets,
tracks and small-scale replica villages.
These guys said that was fucked up.
These guys?
JOHN: Yeah.
Yeah, they said that was really fucked up.
Just now. You should fight them.
Train kits?
Yeah.
-Like, how? -Like... What?
Like, how is collecting and assembling train kits fucked up?
Like... all the ways.
They were just really down on it, man.
EDWARD: They were so down on train kits, man.
-Fuck that. -Yeah.
Yeah.
Fuck that, man.
Which one said it?
The normal one.
EDWARD: Go fuck him up. Then we got to run.
All right.
Remember I said we should fight some other guys?
-We're doing it. -Yeah, we're doing it.
Go do it.
Motherfucker.
-Trains! -(thump)
(laughing)
("No Place to Fall" by Townes Van Zandt playing)
♪ Well, if I had no place to fall ♪
-(tires screech) -♪ And I needed to ♪
♪ Could I count on you ♪
-Holy shit. -You like trains.
-I like trains. -You fuckin' killed him, man.
-He did it. -JOHN: Oh, hey, check it out.
Oh, fuck.
(guys laughing)
♪ Well, I'd never tell you no lies ♪
♪ I don't believe it's wise ♪
♪ You got pretty eyes ♪
♪ Won't you spin me round? ♪
Get a cab. Get a cab.
♪ I ain't much of... ♪
Get in.
♪ I'm here, then I'm gone ♪
♪ And I'm forever blue ♪
(laughing)
♪ But I'm sure wanting you ♪
-(laughing) -Hey!
-Yeah! -I love him!
-Yes! -(thump)
Oh, that's a great bachelor party.
Let's see where everyone else went.
-You good to rove? -Good to rove, yeah.
-Weird. -What?
-That was weird. -Yeah.
Yeah, that was weird.
Yeah. Hey, close the door.
-What? -Close your door.
We're going, like, 40 miles an hour here.
-Close your door. -Oh, yeah. Thanks.
That was a good safety tip, man. Thanks.
What?
That was a good safety tip, man. Thanks.
♪ And if we help each other grow ♪
♪ While the light of day ♪
♪ Smiles down our way ♪
(indistinct conversations)
♪ Then we can't go wrong ♪
♪ Well, time ♪
♪ She's a fast, old train ♪
♪ She's here then she's gone ♪
♪ And she won't come again ♪
♪ Won't you take my hand? ♪
♪ Well, if I had no place to fall ♪
♪ And I needed to ♪
♪ Could I count on you ♪
♪ To lay me down? ♪
Fuck.
I can't be pay the rent.
Um, but you have to pay the rent.
(laughs) No, no, no.
-But I-I can't pay the rent. -The girl goes up here.
-The girl? -Yeah.
-Ah. -This one's the mean guy.
-Oh, this is the mean guy. -And then this is the guy
who can pay the rent.
-The... Okay. -Okay.
John.
His whole group.
All of them?
They're leaving at 1:00 a.m..
Tonight?
They fly-- yeah, all of them-- out of Paris at 1:00.
Cantar Walley?
All of them.
Something changed.
I'll brief Tom.
(phone dings)
(phone vibrates)
Hello?
Yeah.
I have to leave in a little while.
-John. -Hey.
-You've been drinking. -Yeah.
-And you've been taking... -What?
...pain medicine.
You're all fucked up.
John, you're all fucked up.
Well, it doesn't have to be over.
I can still stay for an hour or so,
like, an hour and a half.
♪ ♪
I have to take off soon for something, Ed.
-Tonight? -Yeah.
It's my bachelor party.
Yeah. I have, like,
another 45 minutes, man.
-It's my bachelor party. -Yeah.
You're fucked up.
What?
You're fucked up.
Okay.
So what are you going to do?
What are you talking about?
Tonight, you're fucked up.
You're drunk and stoned.
Okay.
So when you're fucked up, you should just go home
or stay out and get more fucked up.
But you shouldn't go out and do other shit, I'm saying.
It's a good saying.
So, what are you going to do tonight, I'm saying?
I'm gonna take these mouse earrings,
these little mouse earrings.
I'm gonna break this window.
John.
Careful, Mouse.
This way.
(grunts)
Shit, I...
Shit.
I lost one of my mouse earrings.
Help me find them, man.
What the fuck are you doing?
JOHN: Oh, there it is. Cool.
EDWARD: What are you doing, man?
Just picking up my mouse earrings.
No, I mean, what are you doing with those?
That's her.
Here it is.
Careful.
Who's she?
She's a policeman
from the... finger store,
the little finger store.
I want to give her these little mouse things.
Earrings.
Here it is.
Why?
Why what?
Why do you want to give that lady earrings?
Because I-I made her blind.
Okay, John, you're drunk.
-Get out of m-my way, man. -No.
I don't-I don't care,
I'll just fucking chuck 'em over to her.
Do not chuck earrings at a cop.
Hey, what's your problem?
JOHN: Pardon, sir.
What are you doing?
I'm sorry.
Why you are throwing things?
They're mouse earrings.
What?
I'm sorry, they're mouse earrings.
So what?
(speaking French)
EDWARD: I don't want you going off by yourself.
JOHN: I am.
EDWARD: No, you're not.
I'm going.
Yeah, well,
you're not going by yourself.
I told you once about helping me.
Yeah, and I just told you you're not going alone, so...
("No Future" by Titus Andronicus playing)
♪ But I don't want to live in it... ♪
♪ Fat guy in a little coat. ♪
♪ ♪
♪ There is not a doctor ♪
♪ That can diagnose me ♪
♪ I am dying slowly ♪
♪ From Patrick Stickles Disease ♪
♪ There is not a medication ♪
♪ That can cure what's ailing me ♪
♪ The only treatment they offer ♪
♪ Is to hang me from a tree ♪
♪ 'Cause life's been a long, sick game ♪
♪ Of "Would You Rather" ♪
♪ So now I'm going to medical school ♪
♪ As a cadaver ♪
♪ And if I could say ♪
♪ Only one thing ♪
♪ With the whole world listening ♪
♪ It would be, "Leave me the fuck alone" ♪
♪ Or "Welcome to the Terrordome." ♪ e" ♪