[soft piano music]
♪ ♪
- Hi. - Hi.
This is a nice spread you have here.
- Thank you. - Look at all this cheese.
You even got the weird ball-shaped one
with the nuts in it, okay.
Don't mind if I do.
Uh, do you mind
taking one from the middle?
It's in a star shape.
Oh, damn, well, let me fix this up.
Oh, wait.
Now you've just touched all of them.
[laughs]
All right, stepping away from the table.
- I can take a hint. - I appreciate it.
- I'm Andre, by the way. - I'm Sarah.
Sorry for messing up your star thing there.
Sorry for being so OCD.
It's all good. Is this your first open house?
- No, I've done a few. - Huh.
But it is my first one alone. Why?
I mean, your preparation is just very elaborate.
You know, you got your red, your white, your rosé.
What are the nondrinkers supposed to have?
Oh, I didn't think about that.
I guess they'll just have to have...
- O'Doul's. - Okay.
Okay, you got this whole snack thing on lock.
So tell me about the house.
My client, he's...
a divorced dad who likes to feel cool
by talking to me about hip-hop.
If you were gonna sell him on this house,
how would you do it?
One, two, three, go.
[inhales]
This is your chance to put your stamp
on a beautiful mid-century split-level
in a peaceful bedroom community.
[laughs] So it's old, it needs a lot of work,
and your commute's gonna suck.
Well, you know that, but your old white guy client doesn't.
Who said he was old and white?
That's racist and ageist.
Loves to talk to a young black man about hip-hop.
Sounds like an old white guy to me.
Okay, I won't tell you his race.
But his name...
is William Davenport III.
Ah, Latino.
[laughs]
No, seriously, though, the one thing you'll learn
after being in this awhile is that
all it takes is that one buyer to make a sale, you know?
Some maniac who loves crackers
could just walk in here tomorrow
and buy the whole place.
Oh, I just thought more people would show up.
Well, it's not totally your fault.
This isn't exactly anyone's dream house.
And it doesn't help
that it's next to that creepy neighborhood
that got closed down because of mold.
Is that what happened over there?
- I think so. - Wow.
You think they're ever gonna open those houses again?
I don't know. It's been a long time.
Huh. Oh, shit, speaking of time.
Oh, damn, it's getting late.
Um, it was very nice to meet you,
but I have to bail.
Great, just leave me alone
in the mold-adjacent murder house.
[chuckles]
How about this?
For a glass of your rosé,
I stay and keep you company until the next broker comes.
That's very nice of you.
Actually, it might be a while. Maybe I'll join you.
That sounds even better.
Just one glass.
[jazz music]
Little refill for you there.
- Merci. - De nada.
And...[laughs]
And our tour continues in the kitchen,
which features a built-in cutting board
with three big-ass holes in it for some reason.
[laughs]
And guess what this switch turns on.
- Overhead light. - Nope.
[garbage disposal whirs]
- Garbage disposal. - What?
[laughing] That's crazy.
And...and... how about this one?
It's got to be the overhead light.
[garbage disposal whirs]
Who designed this shit?
[both laugh]
Believe it or not, that's actually not
the dumbest part of the house.
Really?
What's the dumbest part of the house?
I present to you a cupboard conveniently located
ten feet in the air.
What the fuck? Why would they do that?
It's impossible to reach.
What do you think's in it?
I don't know.
Okay, this is weird,
but I'm a little nervous right now.
I know. Me too.
Okay.
Here we go.
- Oh, wow. - What is it?
- It's a music box. - [gasps] Really?
Yeah.
It says something on it.
"For Adeline, my love."
Oh, my God.
- It's crazy, right? - How old do you think it is?
I don't know. Let's check it out.
I'm fucking with you. It's a box of nails.
God damn it.
- [laughs] - God damn it.
You suck.
It was worth it to see the look on your face, though.
I'm sorry. I can't.
What's wrong?
I thought there was something going on between us.
I'm engaged.
[exhales]
I'm sorry. I...
Well, you're not wearing a ring, so...
Yeah, I don't have one yet.
My fiancé is in between jobs,
so he just needs a little extra time.
He got me a Ring Pop. It was cute.
Yeah, that's... that's cute.
I think I just got a little drunk.
Yeah, me too.
I should probably just go.
Hey, uh, I didn't do a good job explaining earlier.
I don't want you to think Craig's, like,
a loser or anything.
He could have gotten me a ring.
He just wants to get me a really nice one.
Of course.
You're not with anyone, right?
No, I just, uh...
I just got out of a two-year thing.
What happened?
She was just kind of ready to get serious,
and I just wasn't there.
And then I didn't want to go to her friend's play,
so she sent me the middle finger emoji.
And yeah, that was it.
But I ain't mad about it or nothing, you know?
I just feel like maybe the "together forever" thing
ain't really for me, you know?
Wow, what a hot take for a man to have.
I have never heard that from a guy in his 20s.
I just turned 30.
I'm very mature now.
I had my birthday party at a wine bar.
After we went to go see a movie.
About the X-Men.
[laughs]
Well, sorry to hear about your breakup.
But I get where she's coming from.
I mean, I just turned 30 also, and I just felt like,
well, I need to start the process.
The process?
What, are you undergoing chemo?
I want a family.
And women have less time, so I made it happen
and I got myself a Ring Pop.
Hmm.
I get where you're coming from.
But I don't even really know
if I believe in marriage as a concept.
Doesn't it seem, like, a little antiquated?
Like, things change. People change.
Then you want something different.
Then you're stuck with somebody who's not even right for you.
Like my parents, for instance.
- They split up? - No, worse.
They stayed together.
And now they fucking hate each other.
[laughs]
You know, and they're both really dope people.
They're just not good for each other.
I really believe that if they would have just bailed earlier,
they would both be happy.
I don't know your parents, but I think
if you're with someone you love,
you got to fight for it.
You can't give up.
Because in the end, don't you want someone
on the other side of the door
waiting for you when you come home?
People aren't meant to be alone.
I feel you, but I'm not alone.
I got my friend Charles, who's funny as hell,
and his apartment complex has a Jacuzzi.
It's lit.
[laughs]
Look, I'd love to stay and argue with you
about the merits of marriage as an institution,
but...
honestly, this is one of those big-ass questions
that we don't really have the answer to.
I don't know.
We are two low-level realtors
in the shittiest part of California.
I think we can crack it.
[laughs]
You sure you're 100% on this Craig guy?
- I'm sure. - Okay, backing off.
- I'm gonna head out. - Okay.
Hey, uh...
do you have a business card?
We should keep in touch.
For business purposes.
No, I like you too much.
I don't want to start stalking your Instagram
and seeing you and your husband at Sea World.
No.
Okay, understood.
We would never go to SeaWorld, by the way.
I don't know what married people do.
But this has been fun.
And then awkward.
And now fun again, so...
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
I'm gonna go.
Bye.
[pensive music]
♪ ♪
[faint indistinct chatter]
[woman] I just don't know.
[man] Well, I... I kind of like it.
[man] Oh, I see.
It's rather large too, isn't it?
[woman] It's lovely.
- Sarah? - Andre, hi.
Wow.
- It's been a while. - Yeah.
I have a client who's interested in this area,
so I thought I'd swing by.
It is so good to see you.
It is good to see you.
Wow, I'm glad you stopped by.
Nice spread.
Really went all out.
[laughs]
I mean, let's be honest.
Nobody's gonna buy this house.
I even left the bag of chips unopened
so I can bring it home with me later.
[laughs]
So how are you? How are things? How's life?
- Um... - I see you're married.
Yes, yes.
We did it in Denver out in the woods.
My cousin sang that song "At Last."
She was horrible. She had to start over twice.
That song is high risk, low reward.
[both laugh]
How was your wedding?
Eh, it was chill.
It was chill?
[sighs] Well, it was horse-themed.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Niki loves horses, so...
Aw, I'm happy for you.
Did she turn you into a horse person too?
No, they're still too big.
[laughs]
My rule of animals,
if they go crazy,
I want to be able to kill it.
That's a good rule.
I mean, it's kept you alive this long.
[laughs]
Well, it was really good to see you.
Good luck with this house. I should get going.
No, no, no, please, please don't leave yet.
Just give me one second. Hey!
- Hey. - How you doing?
Is that a putting green out back?
Hell yeah, there's a putting green out back.
- I put it in myself. - Oh, man, how cool is that?
Built-in wine fridge too, right?
Eh, wine fridge, beer fridge.
It's up to you, big fella.
[man] All right, let me take a flyer.
- This is a dope house, Dre. - Thank you.
Oh.
- You the man. - My man.
I'm sorry you had to see that.
Are you about to do anything right now?
'Cause I'd love to catch up.
This thing's about to be over. Nobody touched the wine.
It's from Costco.
Wow, how could I say no to that...
Dre?
Not bad, actually.
I'm tasting oak...
alcohol...
the chips I had earlier.
[laughs]
I don't know anything about wine.
- I usually just drink bourbon. - Oh.
Are you one of those cool girls who
go to bars and drink whiskey and follow sports?
No, a lot of people just drank bourbon where I grew up.
- Oh, where'd you grow up? - Bardstown.
It's a small town outside of Louisville.
Okay, wouldn't have guessed that, but...
Because I'm Asian?
Yeah. Were y'all the only Asian family in town?
No, even better, I was the only Asian person in town.
Oh, wow.
I was adopted...
by two very nice white people who took me to Louisville
to eat at a Vietnamese restaurant once a month.
Hmm, I love Vietnamese food.
Well, you wouldn't if you grew up eating it
in a shitty restaurant in the middle of Kentucky.
[laughs]
We should have traded places.
I grew up in Monterey Park, and the school I went to?
- Eighty percent Asian. - How'd that go for you?
Pretty good.
I mean, a lot of people wanted me to join
the basketball team.
You know, I like basketball, but I figured I'd just
fuck the whole game up and just join the orchestra.
- What'd you play? - Viola.
I was first chair, baby.
Wow, that is impressive in a school
- with that many Asian people. - That's why I chose viola.
Violin was way too competitive. Your people are fucking nuts.
[laughs]
Okay, so you grew up in a very Asian area,
but you ended up marrying a white lady.
How'd you know she was white?
Horse-themed wedding? Come on.
[laughs]
That is pretty fucking white.
[both laugh]
Craig's white too.
Hmm, let me guess.
[inhales]
Handsome, stubble,
plaid shirts,
never got bullied in high school.
Yeah, no, everyone likes Craig.
I don't think he ever had any issues growing up.
Did you get bullied at your Asian school?
I did, actually. His name was Rich Chen.
He was 6'2", jacked,
with a giant tattoo of a crow across his chest.
[laughs]
It's crazy thinking about all this.
Makes me feel like...
when you're white, you have to, like,
go the extra mile to be bullied.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Yeah, I didn't have that kind of choice, though.
Like, I was a skinny black kid,
so I just stuck out like a sore thumb, you know?
I didn't have much choice either.
I used to get called Lucy Liu so many times.
I chopped off all my hair,
thinking it would make a difference.
People still were like, "Hey, Lucy Liu.
How you doing, Lucy Liu?
Can I get your autograph, Lucy Liu?"
You know, I think when you have it hard in high school,
you turn out to be, like, a way more interesting adult.
I'm pretty much 100% sure
that we wouldn't be having this great conversation
with this mediocre wine if you were already
cool and beautiful and all that in high school.
[laughs]
- Hey. - It's a compliment.
You're obviously charming now.
And you are kind of pretty, Lucy Liu.
I like you in this mauve. It's a good color.
That is offensive.
Don't make me call that big-ass Asian dude to beat you up.
Hey, we're friends on Facebook.
He's a surgeon now.
[both laugh]
Wow, he really turned his life around.
[laughs]
[Andre] All right, here we go.
And...Tiger Woods.
Oh.
[inhales sharply]
- That hurt. - So close.
Good idea putting this putting green out here.
Because pretty much everything else in this area is brown.
Well, that's Southern California for you.
A realtor probably shouldn't be saying this,
but no one should be living here.
Why did people ever build cities
in the middle of the desert?
I'm fine with it.
I mean, you can just pipe water straight to it. [whistles]
What happens during a natural disaster?
Earthquake, mudslide, supervolcano eruption?
What is a supervolcano?
Well, unfortunately, there's a huge amount
of boiling-hot magma sitting underneath Wyoming
waiting to erupt.
Basically, the entire western United States
is about to blow up.
And we're just sitting here eating chips
- and putting and shit? - Yeah.
Shouldn't we be panicking? Like, running around screaming?
Probably.
Even if that volcano doesn't get us, something else will.
Climate change, North Korea. Something.
No, I don't think so.
I think we're gonna be fine.
I'm an optimist, okay? I trust humanity.
Humanity is the problem. We fuck everything up.
No, think about it.
Ten thousand years ago,
we were living in caves, eating sticks and shit.
And now we're on man-made grass,
holding titanium rods,
drinking grape juice that kind of gets you fucked up.
Humans made all that happen.
We're kind of amazing.
I don't know. This wine's not that good.
[laughs]
Also, I don't think we ever ate sticks.
So here we are again...
with another big question nobody can answer.
How about this?
You try to sink this putt.
If you make it, you're right.
People are good. The world's getting better.
If you miss, I'm right.
- Okay. - Then we'll know.
Deal?
Deal.
[exhales]
This is for the fate of humanity.
Wow.
- Now we know. - Yup.
I don't know if I'm happy or sad.
- [laughs] - Okay, my turn.
But we need a new bet.
How about this?
If I make this, then you have to tell me a secret.
If I miss, I'll tell you one.
- Okay. - Okay?
Miss it.
- Oh. - All right, let's hear it.
Okay, my secret is...
I don't like pizza.
What? That's insane.
- It's too much bread. - And?
And nothing, that's it. I've made my case.
That's not really a secret.
You have to tell me an actual secret.
Something good.
Okay.
I don't actually have a client who's interested in this house.
I came because I knew you'd be here today.
[exhales]
Wow, okay.
I've thought about you a lot the last couple years.
I thought about you too.
A lot.
Hoping one day, you might just walk
straight through that door.
I should go home now, but...
I don't want to.
I'm sorry. Is this too fast?
No.
[soft piano music]
♪ ♪
See? Told you.
The world's getting better.
[both laugh]
Shut up.
[both sigh]
For real, it brought us together.
I guess it did.
In the past, do you know how hard it would have been
for a guy who looked like me
to be with a woman who looked like you?
And if we were together, we'd just be
that weird-ass couple that everybody keeps staring at.
If you go back far enough,
we'd probably never even meet.
We'd be living in different parts of town.
I'd be working at a Chinese restaurant
or a laundromat
or an opium den.
Yeah, but I mean, now the world's a little bit cooler
with the idea of a couple that looks like us, you know?
Yeah.
Is it racist to say half-black, half-Asian babies
are the cutest?
No, not at all.
Those are two of the best-looking kinds of babies.
You put them together, and badoom.
Jackpot.
[cell phone buzzing]
Hey, honey.
Yeah, yeah, I'm...I'm still over here at the house.
Yep.
No, I could just...I could... I could
stop at Whole Foods on the way home.
Okay.
Yeah, I love you too.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have answered that.
It's okay.
It's not like we should be doing this.
You're just gonna leave now?
We're not even gonna talk about it?
I don't know. What's there to talk about?
What are we gonna do, blow up our lives,
move to another country?
No, we can't do that.
But...
- I just feel bad. I'm sorry. - You shouldn't.
This was nice.
I should go.
♪ ♪
[sighs]
♪ ♪
[celery crunching]
[door clicks open and shut]
It smells amazing in here. Oh, my God.
Thank you.
- How was work today? - It was actually really good.
- I closed on La Presda today. - [gasps]
- Yes. - That's great!
- Yes. - Finally.
I know, right? How was yours?
Not great. This new office dog policy is out of control.
There's, like, eight dogs at work.
That's way too many.
Marilyn, on her own, brought in three.
Two of them started fighting with each other
because they wanted to have sex with the other one.
How am I supposed to get work done?
[laughing] Oh, my God.
You know, this isn't Marilyn's first offense.
Like, she has to go.
I'm doing a lot better now, though.
Aw, honey.
Oh, but not because of you.
Just because there's way less barking going on in here.
Oh, okay, I see how it is.
[chuckles]
It's nice out. Maybe we eat outside?
Yeah, sounds great. Let me taste.
- Don't touch. - Okay, okay.
Just wanted a little taste.
[Andre laughs]
Who the fuck are you?
Are you cooking in this abandoned house?
The garlic bread is gonna be the...
Are you guys fucking in this abandoned house?
- Excuse you. - What are you two doing here?
We're the Lopez brothers. Our mom's a realtor.
We have a key.
Just get the fuck out of here, Lopez brothers.
Not through the house. The way you came.
[cell phone buzzes]
I'm sorry for checking that, babe.
I just thought it might be Niki.
She almost caught me texting you the other day.
Your name in my phone is just "Foot Doctor."
It just sounds so fake.
You're in my phone as "Hot Wings Café."
[chuckles]
How do people keep this up?
Like, people really have whole other families for years.
It's insane.
I hate that I'm getting good at lying.
Maybe we should stop.
I can't go back to the way things were.
Every day is the same, day in and day out.
With you, things are different.
You're right about the lying thing, though.
I mean, this kind of shit doesn't last long-term.
We're eventually gonna get caught.
Maybe we should do it for real, then.
- You serious? - Yeah.
Everything inside me is telling me
I'm supposed to be with you.
How many times does that happen in your life?
Well, this is my first, definitely.
Me too. So let's do it.
Okay, I'm in. So what do we do?
I guess we have to talk to our spouses.
Yeah.
Do we mention
we've been seeing someone else or...
What are you supposed to do?
I mean, if we're looking for a clean break,
we got to be totally honest.
Just put it all out there.
- They deserve that much. - You're right.
Should we do it tonight?
I don't know.
What if...
what if we did it in, like, three weeks?
Just because Sadie's birthday is coming up.
We hired a bubble guy. She's, like, super excited.
You know, I just...
I just don't want this to be that birthday
that she remembers as the one that her dad
walked out on her family.
But three weeks.
I promise, I'll do it.
Will that really be a good time?
Don't you think there will be something else?
No.
That'll be it, really.
[sighs]
If we wait until after the party,
my parents are visiting.
I can't do it while they're here.
And then the holidays are after that, so...
We have to do it now.
After we tell them, it'll be over,
and then we can be happy together.
[exhales]
Let's do it now.
- I love you. - I love you.
[pensive music]
♪ ♪
[faint indistinct chatter]
Hi, thank you so much for coming.
Uh, please let me know if you have any questions.
Uh, thanks.
Um, actually, I'm, uh,
just looking for Sarah.
Oh, are you a friend of hers?
Yeah, um, I haven't seen her in a long time, though.
Is she here?
Uh, this is her open house, right?
I'm sorry to have to tell you this,
but Sarah passed away a few months ago.
Uh...
what...
- what happened? - She had cancer.
It was pretty sudden.
It was tough on her husband and her family.
I don't know if you've ever met them.
I'm so sorry.
She was a wonderful person.
[softly] Yeah.
Uh, thanks for telling me.
I'm just gonna take a look around.
Of course.
Thanks.
[exhales]
We missed our chance, didn't we?
We missed it.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
[sighs]
♪ ♪
I want to go.
You want to go where?
To Oceanside.
♪ ♪ side.