-[phone ringing] -[wind blowing]
-[Sharia] Hello? -Habibi, listen.
I know you’re going to the mosque to pray, to find God,
but I think there’s someone trying to find you.
-I have information that there are… -[singers] ♪ Spies in the mosque ♪
♪ Spies in the mosque ♪
♪ Spies in the mosque Spies in the mosque ♪
♪ Spies in the mosque ♪
-♪ Spies in the mosque… ♪ -There are spies in the mosque.
♪ They’re watching you… ♪
[singers] ♪ Spies in the mosque Spies in the mosque ♪
♪ They watch you make wudu… ♪
[singers] ♪ Spies in the mosque Spies in the mosque ♪
♪ They rearrange the shoes ♪
-[singers] ♪ Spies in the mosque ♪ -[Hussein] ♪ They rearrange my shoes… ♪
♪ The shoes are never that neat… ♪
-[singers] ♪ Spies in the mosque ♪ -♪ The shoes are never that neat ♪
-♪ The shoes are never that… ♪ -[singers] ♪ Neat ♪
[Hussein] They must have been here.
I’ve never seen it that organized.
[distorted voice] Spies.
[Egyptian ney music playing]
-Dad? -Fuck!
Have you been standing here all night?
[whispers] Shh! Rumi, when you're being surveilled,
you must surveil back. I learned this in the army.
Whoa! You were in the army?
Of course, ya habibi. Every Egyptian man serves.
Your father was a soldier for two years.
L-Like you had a gun and stuff?
[speaks Arabic]
No, no. I wasn't in that department.
They put me in accounting. Army accounting.
The office can be a war zone, my son.
[co-worker, in Arabic] Is there ink for the HP printer?
[co-worker 2] Is it lunchtime yet or what?
[co-worker 3] Who wants to do team building exercises?
-[doorbell rings] -[gasps, in English] Shh, get down.
[groans]
Astaghfirullah.
-Dan! Dan the man! -Howdy, neighbor.
I don't mean to be nosy, but do you like birds?
I have eaten pigeon. Yes. [chuckles]
Oh… [chuckles] I meant bird-watching.
I heard something outside at 3:31 in the morning.
Saw you in the trees with binoculars.
Didn't know my neighbor was a birder, too!
Ah, yes, yes. I look for owls every night.
I open my window. I say, "Owl, where are you?"
-She comes. -Fantastic!
Why don't you come on by later?
Have a beer. We'll talk birds.
How's 2:17 work for you?
Yes. I will see you then. We will talk about birds.
Like Big Bird. Very good actor for a bird.
Something terrible has happened.
I've been invited to socialize with the FBI.
They're onto us.
-Onto us for what? -Oh, I don't know.
Maybe for blowing things up at a vigil that was against blowing things up.
What do you think, habibi?
I thought I saw something!
It reminded me of my father, like as if it was his ghost.
But ghosts aren't real, so, uh…
I am going to make it up to the neighbors. I promise.
Mona, you are my smartest child.
Tell me everything you know about birds.
-Sorry, what? -Birds! I need information.
Names. Descriptions. What makes them sing?
Why are the ones in Manhattan fearless? Why do they look at me like they know?
Okay, um, well…
I always thought it was kinda interesting that penguins are classified as birds,
-but they can't fly. -Oh, this is good. Very good.
Deep knowledge. "Pingwuin."
"Pingwuin."
Why are we worried? We didn't commit any crimes.
Your uncle didn't commit a crime. He was just being him.
Which is why, kids, it is very important that we never be ourselves.
[in Arabic] Hussein, stop already.
[in English] This is a time for us to be ourselves more than ever!
We are representing.
We are showing the people that we are about love.
Love will get us in a supermax prison for life.
No, no, no. This is why the FBI moved in across the street.
He is waiting for us to make a mistake. No mistakes. No love.
I've been thinking about what you've been saying, Baba.
About hiding ourselves but also proving ourselves.
About being American above all else, while burying our deepest desires.
So I'm running for class president.
-[sighs] You're perfect. -I know.
I've calculated all the risks, and the biggest one is Rumi.
His code-switching sucks.
-You know about code-switching? -Yes, dipshit.
What do you think I do every time I leave the house?
-Punch me in the dick? -We put on a different face for the world.
Most kids in my class think I'm a straight-haired Italian.
This is why you're my favorite, Mona. We will all be Italian!
Mamma mia! Papà mia!
Teta, we will tell people you are a grieving beekeeper.
Buzz, buzz. Honey. Oh, is a bee a bird?
-Nope. -Shit! But they both fly. [sighs]
Sharia, habibi, let's bring Sharon back. We miss her.
No! Listen to me right now, ya Hussein.
Sharon is dead like Lady Di, God rest her beautiful soul.
Habibi Rumi, I want you to study America's favorite white people.
Their most beautiful, their bravest.
Rudy Giuliani. Be like him. Learn him. Study.
White is right. Rumi, learn how to code-switch.
Our lives depend on it. This is war.
[co-worker, in Arabic] Who wants to grab lunch now?
Someone get me the PowerPoint from wherever they buried it now!
Look, I'm not upset… but who took my food from the fridge?
[muttering in Arabic]
[in English] ♪ Hello, hello, neighbors ♪
♪ You're afraid of us near you ♪
♪ But the only blood we want ♪
♪ Is to bleed red, white, and blue ♪
♪ I know you think we're scary ♪
♪ But I swear to you we're fun ♪
♪ We will prove to you our love ♪
♪ We will be number one ♪
♪ Number one family in USA ♪
[all] ♪ Number one happy family ♪
♪ USA ♪
[tires screeching]
[sobbing]
Please don't shoot!
Take the boy.
♪ I'm Slim Shady Yeah, I'm the real Shady ♪
♪ All you other Slim Shadys Are just imitating ♪
♪ So won't the real Slim Shady Please stand up ♪
♪ Please stand up, please stand up ♪
-What are you doing? -I'm code-switching.
As Caucasian king, Eminem. [chuckles] Duh.
-[computer beeping] -Huh? W-What's that?
[computer beeping]
"You are in violation of criminal copyright law
for illegally downloading music.
We will find you, and you will be prosecuted.
And anyone you give this music to will be prosecuted, too.
Contact the FBI immediately.
Love, George W. Bush."
Anyone you give this music to?
Didn't you give that mix CD to your teacher?
-You're busted, bro. -What?
Looks like you're breaking the law together.
And it's not even for fucking.
[belches]
[Arabic DMX] ♪ There was Mohammad Aziz, Abdul-Wahid ♪
♪ Waled, Shareef, Majid, Wakeed ♪
♪ What these bitches want From this country? ♪
[siren wails]
[officer, on loudspeaker] We're watching your every move.
[gasps]
The police, they're onto me. Okay, they know about the files.
And I just gotta get the disc from Mrs. Malcolm.
I'll save her.
[students chatter indistinctly]
[music glitches]
-[music stops] -[sighs]
-Good morning, class. -[Rumi yelps]
Oh, Rumi, what are you doing by my desk?
Hi, uh, Ms. Malcolm. I was, uh, just gonna ask
if I could borrow the CD that I made you back.
You know, 'cause, um, I just wanted to add a few songs to it.
No! Absolutely no.
-I think it's illegal. -I didn't break the law, I swear.
It's illegal how good you are at curating emotions.
It's dangerous.
Please, Rumi, sit.
I can't talk about your masterful ability to find flow between songs
despite them being different genres.
Or the way you stagger a playlist into a perfect album
as if it were always that way.
They way you make it so I can't hear any of these songs out of context
without thinking of the one that comes after it in your perfect design.
We can't discuss this. We need to start class.
-[claps] -Okay, class,
today we're gonna be studying a new subject.
Terrorism. This will replace math.
-Fuck yeah! I hate math! -Wazzup!
Right now, our President is really stressed out.
So for our first assignment,
we will all be writing patriotic letters to the President.
-Due tomorrow. -[students cheering]
Okay, now I'm sure some of you have heard of
"See something, say something."
Even the smallest thing that you see and you say
could stop a terrorist attack.
So here are some examples of things that are somethings.
Um, a Muslim person, a Muslim child,
people in headscarves, people holding Qurans,
tiny carpets, big carpets,
any carpet that doesn't look like an American carpet.
Because American carpets are plain, right?
They're fuzzy, they're one color.
Other carpets have patterns. They're intimidating to look at.
You might get dizzy. [chuckles]
That is one of their tactics.
-What if you hear something? -No, Dale.
-You have to see it. -[knocks on door]
Jeez.
Hey, Kathy, can I borrow your boom box for class?
Sure, Trish. It's right on the desk.
Oh, and take that new mix CD Rumi here made for me.
-It's poppin'. -Oh, my God.
I have to use the bathroom!
-[door opens] -Was that something?
Shut the fuck up, Dale.
[Egyptian techno music playing]
At 5'8, from Egypt's Al-Azhar University,
but originally from Chechnya,
give it up for Imam Mohana-na-na-na-na-na-na-nad!
Yeah, thanks, habibi!
Prayer starts in ten. Thanks, beloveds.
You're in the wrong section. [speaks Arabic]
There's an interesting hijab.
It looks like it's never been used before.
And so loose. It should be tighter.
-Oh, thank you. -It wasn't a compliment.
Who are you? I've never seen you here before.
Sinners usually try and come on Eid to save themselves,
but it's not a holiday today, is it?
Unless I didn't look at the moon right. Oh, wait, I did.
I always look at the moon right. So why are you here?
Oh, I just came to talk to the imam.
Ah, let me guess. Someone died?
-Yes, actually. My father. -Hmm, knew it.
Why don't you mention that you killed me?
-Killer daughter! -Get away from me!
[Grandpa coughing]
-Sorry! Gosh! -[snaps fingers]
[yelps] No, I'm sorry! Not to you!
See you next time someone dies and you realize there's no one else
but the most gracious, most merciful almighty Allah. Okay?
As-salaam alaikum, sister.
I couldn't help but notice
that you were having a very heated conversation with Nabeela.
Were you two discussing future plans?
Uh, no. We don't really know each other.
But weren't you at the vigil last night,
you know, blowing things up? Inshallah.
[groans] You know about that?
Yes. And I support you.
Honestly, my baba made me do it.
-Ah, we all have our reasons. -Yes. That is why I came here,
to get the strength to go back there today.
-To finish the job? -Uh, I guess.
I just thought if I brought some food and my family,
they wouldn't think I was up to anything bad.
Oh, yes, families are great covers.
I'd love to go with you.
To make sure it's a success. [chuckles] Inshallah.
Oh, would you really?
It hasn't been easy for me to make friends here,
and I could really use a friend for this.
Where are you from, by the way? I have never heard that accent before.
Oh. [chuckles] I'm from Mecca. Straight from the source.
Right down the street from the Kaaba.
Here's my card. My name's Carol.
[whispers] Check one, check two. The biscuit is in the oven.
I repeat, the biscuit is in the oven.
Uh, don't mind me. [chuckles] Just here adjusting the light of God.
-[suspenseful music playing] -[school bell rings]
No! N-No! No, no.
Don't lock the door! No!
Ah, shit!
Oh, shit, shit, shit, shi… [groans]
Forgot you're Muslim and don't drink beers.
I figured, instead, we could drink milk. Unless that's offensive.
Are you guys the ones that worship cows?
[laughing] Oh, no, no, no. That is the Hindus.
We? We hate cows. And we love beer.
Okay. Beers it is.
[straining]
Here, let me.
Mmm, very good. Very delicious beer.
Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
So how long you been watching birds?
Oh, a very long time. I love how they fly.
But I find myself disappointed by the penguin. Don't you?
A bird that doesn't fly, very inappropriate.
What in the fuck? And why are you here?
-[chuckles] -Why are you here?
Your boy seems like a great kid.
Sure loves riding that scooter, doesn't he?
Ah, you see Rumi. [chuckles]
W-What can you see from your window exactly other than bird?
Oh, I see every single thing in your house.
And I have a reason for that that I'm gonna come clean about.
[stammers] The penguin?
My wife left me last summer and took the boys.
And that's why I look out.
Because there's nothing to look in at.
-Fuck. -[sighs] I'm very sorry to hear that.
Very apologize.
Yeah. She said I had a drinking problem.
Which isn't true. It was pills.
Ah, yes, pills. Very good addiction.
Very American addiction.
I have trouble sleeping, and I have rage issues.
-But I'm a good man. -You are the best man.
Good-looking, good shoulders. You are Dan.
If you know any single ladies, and you wanna set me up,
I'd be open to it.
You know, uh, maybe even someone from your mosque.
Who do you know at your mosque?
Oh, I-I don't really go to the mosque. I'm not a religious person.
-But your wife is, right? -My wife?
[laughs] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh. I'm sorry, I just assumed because of the, uh, you know, headscarf.
Oh, no, no, no. That? [laughing] No.
She has cancer. [chuckles]
-Really? -Maybe. [sneezes]
-[in Arabic] Bless you. -[in English] What?
-Here. -Uh, thanks you. [blows nose]
Give me that. Germ freak, party of one, that's me.
Okay. [laughs] Um, I'm going to go home now.
Allergy pills. Uh, I love pills, too.
Very bad allergy pill problem. Very, very bad.
-You didn't finish your beer. -Oh, yes, my beer.
I will take it to my wife to help her with her cancer.
-[suspenseful music playing] -[screams]
[gulps]
-[music stops] -Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[music resumes]
[screams, exhales]
[screams, gasps]
-Hi. -Why aren't you writing
your letter to the President?
And wait a minute. Why are you using windows instead of doors?
Windows are suspicious. Doors are regular.
Windows aren't suspicious.
People use windows to get into rooms a-all the time.
No, they don't. [yelps] Oh, it's happening!
It's happening! I'm seeing something!
I'm saying something!
-No, no! This isn't something! -[buzzes]
Something, something, something. I mean, wha--
Look, it's a… just a fistful of somethings, and they're all about you.
I could line my fuckin' snake cage with these.
Maybe I will.
But now here you are breaking into Ms. McBride's class.
-The fuck, dude? -I know, but it's not what you think.
Don't worry. I know you're innocent.
-You do? -Yeah.
But I gotta put on a certain kind of face here at school.
Everyone's, you know, worried about Muslims.
You're Muslim, but, look, I know the truth.
-9/11 was an inside job. -What?
We blew up those towers and we took out the Pentagon.
And then they decided to blame it on Osama bin Laden,
who, by the way, is a fuckin' struggling actor
who was chosen to play the role of terrorist.
He's not even Arab, guy. He's from Queens. Okay?
My best friend's mom took his virginity, and I'm not fuckin' joking right now.
They say he's in a fucking cave? Fuck no!
He's definitively at the Bellagio eating shrimp with Michael Bay.
This goes to the fuckin' top, bro. The very fuckin' top!
I just want you to know, Rumi, you're in good hands.
You're safe right now. I am not gonna let them get to you.
So I don't have to worry about that FBI warning I got
-about illegally downloading music? -[slams table]
You illegally downloaded music?
Yeah. I-Is that bad?
That's worse than bad.
Illegally downloading music
is the one thing the government does not fuck around with.
There was a kid just a couple towns over,
he got 25 years for downloading the whole Backstreet Boys album.
No parole.
The word is he just went totally fucking insane in prison.
He tried to eat his own head.
I just made a sweet mix CD for Mrs. Malcolm,
-that's it. -You're gonna take Kathy down, too?
No, sir! No. Not on my watch.
-You gotta destroy that CD. -That's what I've been trying to do.
-I just… I don't know where it is. -Screens!
You have cameras everywhere? Is that legal?
It absolutely is not.
But here it is. Bingo! It's on Mrs. Malcolm's desk.
Looks like another teacher brought it back.
-[tape rewinds] -[pop music playing]
-Y-You made this mix? -Yes.
That's a very sexy mix.
[music continues]
[Jeff] There, right there. It's in the safe.
Never been able to crack that one.
Well, you only have one option. You have to blow up the school.
-Sorry, what? -[slams table]
They're lookin' for a reason to put you away!
This fuckin' mix CD? They'll put you away for life.
Okay, so to prove that I'm not a terrorist,
I have to blow up a building?
[laughing] Yep. Life can be pretty ironic.
-[school bell rings] -I gotta save everybody.
[in Arabic] Rumi, come!
[in English] Go put on some nice clothes for our family apology!
I have baked a pie because Americans love pie
like that movie they just made about how much they love pie.
We will take it to your friend who lost his grandpa.
Okay, Ma. Just gonna go dye my hair! So that I can apologize!
Mom, who's that woman standing in the front of our house?
Oh, that is my new friend Carol from the mosque.
What is she doing?
She take picture of everything. She loves photography.
Shit! Only the FBI likes photography!
-Stop being so paranoid. -Art is bad.
[whispers] Sparrow is on the branch, and husband is watching. Over.
[panting] Okay. Where are we, Lamb? Talk to me.
-[tapping keys] -Good news, I erased your hard drive.
Bad news, FBI says it doesn't matter if you erased your hard drive.
They know the CD's out there.
"See something, say something"… it's eradicated all laws.
The FBI saw something, and now they're gonna do something to this family.
And to Mrs. Malcolm. You've gotta destroy that CD!
No! It's in Ms. Malcolm's safe. What are we gonna do?
We need options, Lamby. Options!
-Blow up the school? -Oh, look who's been talking to Jeff.
-Who's Jeff? -Are you even on my side?
Maybe not. You should probably just kill me already.
You know what? I've been so concerned with what everyone else is seeing,
but what about me? What about what I've seen?
I've seen a lot, and I have a lot to say.
And I'm gonna say it to the president. I'm gonna write him my letter.
And I'm gonna tell him exactly what I've been seeing.
[dial-up service beeping]
["Stan" playing on computer]
[message chimes]
[music continues]
[Rumi rapping] ♪ Dear George ♪
♪ They said if I see something That I should say ♪
♪ Well, these eyes have seen a lot In just a few short days ♪
♪ I been breakin' the law In so many ways ♪
♪ Been starin' at my teacher Tryna suck her titt-ays ♪
♪ I know it's illegal But I can't be stopped ♪
♪ Am I the reason That the towers dropped? ♪
♪ I been livin' in ignorance I'm fillin' with doubt ♪
♪ "Allahu Akbar!" I heard my mom shout ♪
♪ Is she saying "God is great" Or is she wishin' us illness? ♪
♪ Don't wanna be bad But I just gotta spill this ♪
♪ My neighbor is suspicious And he's filling us with ill will ♪
♪ Feel like if Neo Had taken the blue pill ♪
♪ I don't even know What The Matrix is about ♪
♪ Every time I watch it I have so much more doubt ♪
♪ I don't who I am I don't know what to do ♪
♪ But that's why I'm singin' to you ♪
-♪ Here I am, your biggest fan ♪ -[thunderclap]
♪ Doubting Rama-dan ♪
[singer] ♪ The morning rain Clouds up my window ♪
♪ And I can't see at all ♪
♪ And even if-- ♪
-[music stops] -Rumi, WYATDDDI.
Whatever you're about to do, don't do it.
Garrett, it's not what you think.
I think you're about to blow up the school.
Okay. But it's not for the reason you think.
I think you want to destroy that sweet mix CD you made for Ms. Malcolm
because you made it from illegally downloaded music.
Wow! Okay, that was a very accurate read on what this situation is.
HIJG. Honestly, I just guessed.
I learned a few tricks at magic camp last summer.
[singer, in pentatonic scale] ♪ Magic camp… ♪
[heaving]
[suspenseful music playing]
[beeping]
[panel buzzes]
[beeps]
IGMW. I gotta make water.
[Carol] Hey, what's going on here?
My mom's friend Carol?
Yeah, it's just me.
Your mom's friend Carol.
What are you doing at our school, my mom's friend Carol?
I was just about to ask you the same thing.
"If We Did It." Hmm. "It."
Oh, and then here it says, "9/11."
That's just the day I was gonna give it to her.
Huh. Gas and rags. What is this, Rumi?
-Uh, uh. Um… -[door rattling]
[suspenseful music playing]
Uh, who the hell are you?
Oh… [chuckles] …hi.
I'm just Rumi's mom's friend Carol from the mosque.
Oh, from the mosque, huh? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
-That's suspicious. -No, it's not.
You walking in here at the perfect moment to save the day is suspicious.
Uh, that's sus… Lady, I work here. Okay?
Not suspicious. You don't. You're suspicious.
This brown boy made a mix CD confessing to 9/11.
I would say he's the one who's suspicious around here.
You can't prove that.
Walk over to where he pulled it out of the safe
and track his steps and tell me.
-How do you know that? -'Cause I've got cameras everywhere, lady.
That is suspicious.
You don't even know what suspicious means, lady.
Let's look here in the dictionary.
Let's… Let's define "suspicious" so you can see here that you're that.
Right here, "suspicious."
"Leather with the flesh side rubbed to make a velvety"--
-Oh, uh, that's "suede." -He's suspicious.
A brown kid with a backpack full of gas and rags?
That is off-the-charts suspicious.
Actually, that is my backpack, Rumi's mom's friend Carol.
I come here after school to huff gas
to get rid of the pain of being an awkward outsider.
[inhales deeply]
Okay. Well, that is the first thing today that is not suspicious.
Well, what do we do now?
Well, I think you should just fuckin' sashay your ass back to FBI headquarters.
Tell your bosses that you definitively trespassed on school grounds
and detained underage children against their will. Period.
Let's not get crazy here.
I am just a simple citizen
who has nothing to do with any branch of national law enforcement.
So let's just all walk away and not tell anyone else about this.
-That is fine with me. -CB. Cool beans.
Great. Well, you tell your mom I'll call her tomorrow, Rumi.
Oh, and thanks for the pie. Bye!
Okay, bye, my mom's friend Carol.
Fucking federales, bro.
Yeah. Thank you, Jeff.
And Garrett, you really saved my butt, dude.
[inhales deeply]
IMPEILHG.
It's my pleasure entirely, I love huffing gas. [exhales]
Rumi, what happened to my grandpa is really sad,
but it doesn't mean people should hate you.
I'm here for you, man. TWFAF.
That's what friends are for. We are friends now, right?
Dude, after this, Garrett, you're my best friend.
My BFFE. I'm gonna put "ever" on it.
NPYWBFF.
Oh, boy. This seems like a situation for the Oakleys.
Well, this got pretty real pretty fast.
[groans] Don't want you seein' my eyes right here.
[thunder rumbles]
[straining]
[exhales]
-[grunts] -How about I just eat it?
Mmm, the sharp corners. Internal bleeding.
[message chimes]
-["Stan" playing on computer] -Oh…
[Bush] Dear Rumi, thanks for writing me. I totally understand.
I think we should be friends.
Hey, what do you think of me rebranding my name as Geo?
[singer] ♪ And even if I could It'd all be gray… ♪
[chuckles] Fuck yeah. "Geo" it is.
[singer] ♪ It reminds me That it's not so bad, it's not so bad ♪
[thunder rumbling]
[Bush chuckles] Damn.