Ungrateful...
unholy...
without self-control.
Brutal.
Not lovers of good...
conceited...
Have nothing to do with them.
Nothing.
There will be terrible times in the last days.
People will become...
Iovers of themselves,
Iovers of money...
boastful...
proud...
having a form of godliness, but denying its power.
And another upsetting thing about these days of ours
is the lack of respect
that young people have for their bodies.
We must take control of that.
We must teach our children
that God has not placed them here
just to pleasure themselves.
Amen.
And that unclean thoughts
are just as much a sin in the eyes of God
as the acts themselves.
Isn't that right, Rebecca?
Shall we show everyone what happens to those
with unclean thoughts?
Those who have given in to the temptation?
Those who put their needs above God's will?
Come, my dear.
Let us show them.
What?
Isn't somebody gonna help her?!
It's all right, Rebecca.
You're still pure.
You have failed yourself
and you have failed God.
May he have mercy on your soul.
GIRLS GONE DEAD
Packing, dear?
Yes, Mother.
Mandy should be here any minute.
Is something wrong, Mother?
No, of course not.
It's just that I'm gonna miss you this weekend.
I'm only going to be gone for two nights.
I know, but, Rebecca,
you just got home from school and...
I really thought we'd spend some quality time together.
I'll be home all next week.
Well, come here a minute.
I really have to get going.
Now, for your trip, I got you some things
that no young lady should be without.
Oh, Mother, you shouldn't have.
But I did!
This isn't another Tabernacle Chorus CD, is it?
- Because I-- - Open it!
Thanks.
You may be away from me this weekend,
but God will always be with you.
It's for your vigils;
plus to help you read at night.
I think the house we're staying at has electricity.
There's one more thing, keep looking.
Oh.
Wow.
I knew you'd like it.
Well, it's definitely something.
Well, now that you have all of your essentials,
it's time to send you off on your journey.
Let us pray.
May it be your will, God,
that You lead us toward peace,
and make us reach our desired destination
in life, gladness and peace.
May You rescue us from...
the hand of every foe,
ambush, bandits and evil.
Mom, I really got to get this.
- Yo, bitch. - Hey, Mandy.
I'm kind of in the middle of something.
- Can I-- - Well, your ass better be
in the middle of fucking packing.
- I'll be there in ten. - All right.
- I'll see you when I get-- - Ooh.
And Missy scored the fake IDs,
so we should look nice and legal this weekend.
All right, really gotta run.
Whatever.
- May we continue? - Mm-hmm.
Dear Lord, may thy word be a lamp unto our feet
and a light unto our path.
Amen.
Mom, I've really gotta go.
I know.
And yet again, the most disgusting company
in the country, Crazy Girls Unlimited,
are throwing their annual orgy
in Daytona Beach, Florida.
Every year, we here at HBN try to protect our youth
from this collection of perverts,
and every year, the response is the same.
Just take a look at their past behavior!
You can become an HBN angel
by showing your support here today.
What kind of angel are you?
I'm a nasty angel.
Your souls are in danger.
These girls holes...
Now that's what's in danger!
And Moses, with the tablet in his mighty hand,
approached the mountain and said--
Show me your tits!
We came across this, obviously, pirated footage
from the Crazy Girls website
on the Internet.
And, to make matters worse,
Daytona will become this year's Gomorrah when pornographer
Ronald Jeremy becomes the master of ceremonies,
and Nicko McBrain will play his hard rock music.
Big surprise.
When questioned, here is what their local sheriff
had to say...
Well, Holly, I've spoken with Mr. Governor at length
and we've come to an understanding.
As long as they follow the rules,
I don't anticipate any problems.
Such filth.
Oh, Mandy's here.
Oh.
Becky!
Long time no see!
You look great!
Thanks, Todd.
- Why are you-- - Hello, Mrs. Foster.
You look younger every time I see you.
You sure the two of you aren't sisters?
Oh, Todd, you're too much.
And I told you a million times, it's Rosemarie.
So what brings you here on this glorious day?
Well, when a little birdie told me that Becky here
would be in town,
I went straight out and got us...
... two tickets to see
"The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"
at the Surfside Amphitheater.
Um, I can't, you see, I--
But Willie Aames is touring with them.
Rebecca, it sounds like such a wonderful time!
Then why don't you go with him... sis?
Rebecca, don't be ridiculous.
Come on, bitch!
- Oh, sorry, Todd. - Bec-- Becky--
I got plans this weekend.
- Gotta run! - Rebecca!
Bye, Mom!
Well, be safe this weekend!
Please don't do anything that I wouldn't approve of!
Just drive.
What's up your ass?
My mom strikes again with the "Almighty Todd."
Yeah, I saw that creep in your driveway.
Seriously, when is she gonna stop with
that arranged marriage bullshit?
I know.
She's been trying to set us up since we were, like, five.
Uh...
Ooh, ooh, I know.
If it works out, can I come to the wedding?
Please?
I already have the perfect gift picked out for you.
A key to your chastity belt.
Hey, hey, hey, pull over, pull over!
What, you want to register there?
Shut up and pull over.
Fine... Mrs. Todd.
Eww.
- I'll be right back. - Okay.
Unleaded?
Yeah, that would be great.
- 20 bucks worth. - 20 buckos.
Hey, what's up?
Yes, I retrieved the Virgin Mary.
No, her mom's not with her.
God, you're such a bitch!
So how's the house?
Does it suck or...
Oh, really, so what?
Oh, my God.
No, I don't carry that shit on me
and don't ask me that on the fucking phone!
God!
So where are we going now?
Oh, that's right, Manatee Creek.
Mm-hmm.
We'll see you in 30.
Manatee Creek?
Yeah?
You sure you want to be going over there?
Yeah, why?
Don't really think you belong in a place like that.
I'll keep that in mind.
Holy shit!
- Ready? - Yeah.
This is going to be one hell of a weekend!
Peace.
Hey, what about my 20 bucks?
Hey, come back, you bitches!
Hey!
Son of a bitch!
So did Missy actually get permission to use this house
or is this another one of her schemes
that involves us climbing through a window?
Would you relax for once?
We're staying at a kick-ass house on the beach,
unchaperoned.
Great, unchaperoned.
- Go, Hammerheads! - Go, Hammerheads!
Whoo!
Oh, this is so pretty.
Fuck, yeah, ready to party?
This place fucking rocks.
Welcome to Casa De Beer.
The party's inside, bitches.
- Follow me. - Let's go inside...
Asses up, bitches, party time.
Sluts are here!
Hey!
I'm so happy to see you guys.
Me too!
I know, it's been forever.
I'll show you to the kitchen.
Fuck, yeah.
Yeah!
Even the kitchen in this place is huge.
We could cook for, like, an army of men in here.
I know.
At least one day while we're here,
we should totally try to make a real meal.
No offense, Kel, but we've all had your cooking
and I'd like to be the first to cast my vote as a no.
Second.
Anybody else remember that cheerleading camp potluck?
Oh, I remember that.
What was that you made, sweetie?
Cheeseburger soufflé?
Oh, what were you thinking?
Chocolate mousse should not be layered
- with ground beef. - Right.
I didn't mean to make everybody sick,
but the recipes, they got mixed up.
Blech!
God, Missy, I'm hurt.
I've known you for how many years
and yet I've never been here before.
Neither have I, dumb-ass.
Dad usually rents it.
It just happened to be empty this weekend,
so he offered it to me.
Fuck, yeah.
I mean, this place is amazing and everything,
but does anybody wonder why our town's former sheriff
would have us stay here, at party central?
Who cares?
Party...
It's her mother.
Hello, Mother.
I'm amazed it took this long.
Yes, everything is fine.
What?
No, I already told you, boys aren't staying at the house.
"Mommie Dearest."
I'll use them tonight, I promise.
No, I haven't tried it on yet,
but I'm sure it fits fine.
Mom, I really have to go.
I'll call you on Sunday when we're on our way home.
Love you, too, Mom.
Bye.
What is that?
- Drop it in. - What?
You heard me.
I'm not giving you my phone.
It's not just you, Becky-- everyone.
Come on, hand them over.
Hell, no.
Missy and I decided that this weekend
there'd be no interruptions.
Mm-hmm.
No parents, no boyfriends.
And in Missy's case, no booty calls.
Uh, what happens if there's, like, an emergency?
Like Kelly sets her hair on fire?
Hey!
We'll just have to dunk her in the pool.
Isn't there a landline?
My dad shut that off a year ago.
Ever since some fucking French assholes
rang up the bill calling Canada.
France isn't in Canada.
- Huh? - Well?
We'll use my phone.
It will be for emergencies and deliveries only.
Well, I'm in.
Rebecca?
Fine.
Seriously?
Good girl.
Do it.
Whatever.
Anything happens to that, and you're buying me a new one.
Don't be such a bitch.
I'm putting them in a safe place.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go upstairs,
put on my new bikini and go for a swim.
- Who's with me? - Fuck yeah!
Girls, I'll show you to your rooms.
Grab our shit.
##
Cannonball!
Whoo!
If you wanted to see them that bad all you had to do was ask.
Hell, who hasn't seen them?
Watch it.
Look, I got one!
- Kelly! - Oh, my God.
Uh, guys?
I think we may have company.
Oh, sweetie, lack of sex will do that to you.
- Do what? - Screw with your head.
Baby, you're starting to see guys hiding in bushes.
But don't worry,
the girls and I will take care of that tonight.
That's right!
Yeah, Becky, we'll help you out.
Are we still going to that bar you told me about?
Wy Uh-huh. 's!
Daddy says it's crazy this time of year.
He actually compared it to Mardi Gras on crack.
So I say we go.
Fuck yeah, I'm in!
- Me, too. - Me, too.
Mardi Gras, I'll go!
We need one more.
Well?
Come on, come on.
What are we waiting for?
##
Go, Hammerheads!
Oh, fuck!
God!
Learn to drive much?
Mud?
Why am I in mud?
It is mud, right?
I hope that's mud.
Where the fuck are we?
This is Wyld Wylee's?
Who knew I'd need a Malaria shot
to come out tonight?
Look, I say we still go in and check it out.
What have we got to lose?
Our lives, wallets.
Ladies?
Everyone have their IDs with them?
Uh-huh.
Good.
Now follow me.
Nice asses!
Welcome to Wyld Wylee's Oasis.
I'll be your tour guide for tonight.
Could I get you girls
some of our famous monkey margaritas?
Um, yeah, hi.
There's not another Wyld Wylee's around here, is there?
Nope, this is the one and only.
World famous!
Is there a mortician's convention in town?
Because this place... is dead.
Cute.
How old are you, Sheila?
I'm 26.
Says here you're born in 1968.
Um, the guy at the DMV was dyslexic.
Oh, crikey!
No worries, no worries.
Come on, girls, don't be shy.
Take a table
and I'm going to bring you some Congo Coladas.
Come on.
There is something really wrong with this place.
I like it.
It makes me think of, like, an Irish pub.
What else can I get you?
Um...
I guess we'll take some nachos.
Would that be small, medium, or gorilla-sized?
Um, gorilla-sized, I guess.
Oh, nice choice, mate, nice choice.
##
One more round!
Okay?
Two rounds, two rounds!
Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky...
Oh, my God, watch out for the fucking gorilla!
What are you supposed to be?
I'm just a helpful primate bringing you your order.
Well, Dr. Zaius, you forgot the plates.
I'll get right on that, ma'am.
Let me swing on over to the kitchen.
- You do that. - Whatever.
Something is very wrong here.
I know what you mean.
That Sasquatch could talk.
Not what I was going for, Kel...
but thank you.
No, I'm referring to the fact that
this place is called an oasis,
but our bartender is dressed like Panama Jack,
and this whole place has a Hawaiian theme,
yet a gorilla just served us nachos.
Sasquatch.
What?
Thank you.
I didn't order this.
I know you didn't.
He did... for you.
Is he cute?
I can't tell, I'm seeing two of him.
That's one of him.
On two stools.
You guys are so mean.
I bet he's a really nice guy.
Well, I am going to go find out.
- If she were-- - Oh!
If she were at the drive-in, he'd be the double feature.
Oh, I need a shot.
Here.
Cheers.
Oh...
Oh, why are you so green?
Oh, I don't feel so good.
I'm going to go to the bathroom.
I know what will make you feel better.
I'll get you another shot.
Speaking of shots...
- Oh, my God. - What?
You know Becky's a lightweight.
No.
That.
Eww!
It's like a car accident.
I know I should look away, but I can't.
Eww...
How much you want to bet that she does it with
"tons of fun" over there?
I'm in, I'm fucking in.
That sounds like a carnival ride.
Uh, he looks like a carnival ride.
Hey, cool it, cool it, they're coming back to the table.
Hey, where's Becky?
I wanted to say good night.
Go Yeah. t?
Jare-- Sorry.
This is Jared.
We are gonna go for a little drive.
Mm-hmm.
Don't wait up.
Mm-mmm.
Lisa, can I talk to you for a minute?
No!
We've gotta get going.
Well, how long should we wait for you two?
Um, he says he's going to take me back to the house.
I am.
In the morning.
Let's roll!
- Bye. - Did that just happen?
Are we just gonna let her run off with some random dude?
She'll be fine, he seemed really nice.
I mean, he did buy her a drink.
I'm sure Ted Bundy bought a few drinks back in his day.
Didn't make him a good date.
Up next is Wylee singing "Forever Wasted. "
Come on, handsome.
I can't wait to see what you're packing.
Ahh!!
How about we go to your place?
I don't know how my landlords are going to feel about that.
What?
You live with your landlords?
I kind of, sort of...
Iive with my parents.
Is there any place we can go?
I got an idea.
Come on, come on!
- What are we waiting for, then? - Hurry up!
Go, go, go!
# Forever wasted by you #
# Every time you call my name #
# It's music to my ears #
# But I'll admit sometimes I run away in fear... #
Oh...
#... my word's sincere #
# I'm so wasted by you #
# Forever wasted by you ##
Fuck my life.
Ooga, ooga, ooga.
Please welcome Ronald singing "Hammersmash."
- Hammersmash! - Whoo!
Hi.
You so have a crush on him.
He's my friend.
Damn this.
Can't get this thing off.
# Hammersmash #
Oh, my God, girls.
Do you remember this song?
Hell, yeah.
Junior year, baby.
# This is DC Hammer #
# And I'm so good #
# I think of all the rhymes that you wish you could #
Up, come on, you're dancing...
Come on, Miss.
# And I'll move you out of your seat #
# With the baseline of my funky beat #
# And I'll make you shake your ass #
# Because this here song's a Hammersmash #
Oh...
A front-see!
It's been a while since I've seen one of those.
# Man this shit's a hit #
# Hammersmash #
# Yeah let's get down to it #
# Every time you hear me #
# You want to dance around #
# To my dope-ass record and my fresh new sound... #
Boys.
# When I start spittin' rhymes like this... #
I told you, it'd be right there.
# Is a number-one hit #
Dude, get this right here, get this, film it.
Right here, right here.
Zack, are you a fucking homo, dude?
There's fucking hot chicks right there, look.
You want me to shoot that?
Look, Zack.
I'll get the one in pink to let you put it in her pooper.
Dirk, but there's none in pink.
Exactly.
I love this shit.
# I don't know what to say right here but #
# Hammersmash #
This is so much better than D&D!
# My shit don't stink #
# Or maybe sometime it do #
# Everybody else's stinks but Hammer's don't stink at all #
I'll be back in one second.
I was going to tell you take a picture
'cause it'll last longer,
but looks like you're already doing that.
You look like someone who should be in the movies.
Mm-hmm.
Serious, you interested?
Why don't you bring your people, come meet my people,
and maybe we can reach an agreement.
# Smack me, smack me #
# Smack me like a monkey ##
Get ready, girls!
Go...
Hammerheads!
Whoo!
Give me Yeah. second.
Ahh!
Easy on the teeth, Lisa!
You guys can't be locals.
Why is that?
Call it a hunch.
No, actually we're passing through on our way to Daytona.
Greg here wants to be a cameraman
for Crazy Girls Unlimited.
Right there!
Hey, this is Sal.
Come party with me, and my main man Beetlejuice
this weekend at the Crazy Girls Mansion in Daytona.
Crazy girls!
Whoo!
It's gonna be wild.
It's gonna be crazy.
You're gonna love it.
You're going to be followed around
by the one and only, exclusive Beetle Cam!
Beetle Cam!
See it my way!
You'll be having pillow fights with the main man.
The biggest schlong in the world, Ron Jeremy.
Well, I used to like Crazy Girls Unlimited.
Show up to this event or drop dead.
You guys know that Crazy Girls is one of the fastest-growing
Fortune 500 topless video companies in the world, right?
You're the only one that knows that.
Why would I know that?
All you are is one of them damn camera pervs, man.
That's right, you handsome bastard.
I'm going to be a famous one soon.
Oh, good for you.
We should try out.
- You want to audition? - Yes.
Okay, what should I sing?
Kelly, Crazy Girls Unlimited is not a talent contest.
We just saw the commercial.
It's a "who can get drunk
and take their top off the fastest" show.
That takes talent.
I can do that, too.
Awesome.
Rolling.
I don't think so.
Hey, could you guys excuse me for a second?
I need to go check on our friend.
Oh, there's another one?
Uh-huh.
Actually, there's two of us missing right now.
Sweet.
- The more the merrier. - Hell, yeah.
Let's get some more of them "tig" ol' "bitties" up in here.
Is your friend here retarded?
Which one?
Probably.
He's from Belle Glade or some other fucking redneck town.
I ain't from no Belle Glade, fuck.
I'm from Pahokee, man, shit.
Oh, oh, oh.
That is right on Lake Okeechobee.
The birthplace of Mel Tillis.
Who the fuck is Mel Tillis?
I am geography major.
I like rocks.
Especially the shiny ones.
Kelly, I think you're confused.
Geo-graphists don't study rocks.
Geologists do.
Yeah, Kelly, geo-graphists do.
Uh-oh.
So what brought you guys here?
Was it the, uh, karaoke or fine wines?
Greg here runs a video blog and this month's topic
is "Roadside bars and the patrons who love them."
Mm-hmm.
Interesting.
Look who I found in the toilet!
Can we go home now?
Open wide, sweetie.
In a sec, Becky.
Come on, meet our new friends here.
This is Eric, Zack, Bob.
My friends call me, Bo.
Hello, Bob or Bo.
Finishing off the group is, uh, Greg on camera,
and, uh... Dirk.
Charmed.
Do you need any help getting her to the car?
Oh, my God, that would be great.
- She's getting really heavy. - Yes, oh, wow.
Do you get a merit badge for that?
Okay, Missy, playtime is over.
In a sec... I gotta get some numbers.
I thought you confiscated all of our phones?
Well, at least I got rid of one of them.
You're such a bitch!
Come on, Kelly.
Say tomorrow, around 4:00.
Definitely.
We actually have to go to Daytona.
Dude...
Tomorrow and we'll all give you...
something to film.
You guys, Crazy Girls happens all weekend,
so we'll just get a room down at the motel?
Yep.
Yeah, we'll see you there.
See you, boys...
tomorrow.
Yeah, you will.
All right, let's get you in here.
Stay, stay, stay.
You're cute.
Do I smell like vomit?
Ew.
Thanks for all your help.
So I guess I'll see you around.
Count on it.
Hey.
So what about Lisa?
Should we call her?
She'll be fine, she's a big girl.
Besides, we don't want to interrupt anything.
All right, see you guys.
- Bye. - Bye.
Have a good night.
Bye.
Hello, and welcome to another episode of
"Fairways And Greens."
My name is Montgomery Keybutter,
though everybody on the tour called me "Monk."
Instructing professional golfers is quite different
than pulling the average man...
Pendulum stroke.
Watch the ball to the hole.
It's that simple.
And we will be joining Paul on the green right after this.
Crazy Girls Unlimited,
the company that brought you
"Ho, Ho, Ho's Christmas Dreams"...
Merry Christmas!
Ha-ha-ha!
I've got a boner.
And "Irish Lasses with the Hottest Asses."
Top o' the morning to you!
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Invites you to be the star of our latest video...
Mandy!
... with the annual Spring Break Or Bust blowout...
at our Mansion in Daytona Beach, Florida.
The party begins at noon today
with our celebrity emcee, Ron Jeremy!
Plus, at 7:00 p.m.,
there will be a special performance by Nicko McBrain,
singing hits from his debut country album.
Yeah!
Beetlejuice will be on hand with the infamous Beetle Cam.
- Beetle Cam! - Okay, I'm up.
- Please, turn it off. - Fine.
As always, if you're crazy enough...
Well, good, now get up and get ready.
We're going to the beach in 20!
Okay.
- The beach? - Mm-hmm.
Swimming.
Hey, Mandy, did, uh, Lisa get back yet?
Uh, no, not yet.
And I think I know why.
Someone called her and warned her
that Kelly was making breakfast, blech.
- Funny. - Mmmm.
Now get up
or else I'm going to have Kelly come up here
with the plate she saved you.
Ummm...
Let's go!
Whoo!
Don't forget the booze!
Let's go, hurry up.
I hope there's really cute guys at this beach.
Yahoo!
Here we come!
So much fun!
Just like high school!
Whoo!
Oh...
Okay, Missy, what the fuck?
We put up with this shit bar, but this?
This completely blows.
I thought we were going to a beach, not a cemetery.
This fucking place is where people come to die!
What, who died?
I just don't get it.
Dad said this was supposed to be a hip town,
not a hip-replacement town.
What... the hell?
Phone.
You'll fit right in, Grandma.
Oh, my God.
- She's calling Lisa. - Who cares?
- I don't. - Hey, Lisa.
It's Jessie again.
Um, we're at the beach, and...
Are we going to stay or...
Well, that explains it.
- What? - That.
Fuck me!
Not likely in this town.
Now what?
Oh, great.
Hmm...
- Hello, Melissa. - Hello, Darren.
Gee, Deputy, what did I do wrong?
Well, for starters, going 65 in a 40.
What are you gonna do?
- Arrest me? - Missy?
What are you doing? Shut up.
Oh, don't worry.
Deputy Dickhead here can't touch us.
Or at least not anymore.
Melissa, that was a long time ago.
I thought we settled that.
Hello, everybody, this is Ron Jeremy
and I'm calling all hot ladies in the Space Coast area
- to Crazy Girls Unlimited... - Oh!
- Is that where you're going? - Where?
Daytona, to strip for the cameras.
Who I strip for and why is none of your damn business.
So either give me a ticket
or let us get the fuck out of here.
How many people do you got staying at your dad's house?
- Excuse me? - Aren't you missing someone?
Well, yeah, actually, our friend--
How would you know how many people I have with me?
- So you are missing someone? - Sort of.
Our friend, Lisa, left the bar last night with this fat kid
and she hasn't come back yet.
I keep calling her phone, but now it's going
straight to voice-mail.
- Interesting. - What?
She pulls this shit all the time.
Last night when I was at Wylee's, I thought that I--
Last night at Wylee's?
Are you spying on me again?
Do restraining orders mean nothing to you?
Look, I was just trying to make sure--
I'm not sure what you're trying to make sure of.
We're fine, Lisa's fine, she'll come back.
- Don't worry about us. - But-- but--
I said everything will be fine, Darren.
Can I go now?
Bye.
Uh, are you going to explain that one?
Yeah, who was that?
A mistake.
##
Let's go, Beet, get in there.
I want that helmet so deep up that twat,
you can see their uterus.
Let's go, come on.
Dive in, Beet, dive in, come on!
There you go.
You're the Jacques Cousteau of pussy, let's go!
##
Craziest Girls Unlimited go crazy!
Any girl that can roll like a carpet,
ride like a Harley,
flip like a cheese omelet
goes upstairs to Sal's private quarters,
and you get shot by Beetle Cam!
And you know that's a good career move for any girl.
Dance your asses off!
Come on!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are your tits on this list?
Good, then make like Michael and beat it.
You have a beautiful face.
You should see my ass.
Whoa.
Sorry, sweetheart, no one's allowed upstairs.
Check it again, meathead.
I'm on the A-list.
What's your name?
Destiny.
I'm here for my close-up.
Get them clothes off...
Sal, you there, over?
Yeah, it's Sal, what's up?
Sal, I got a girl down here named Destiny.
Oh, the one with the little boy tits?
Tits like a little boy?
Yep, that'd be the one.
- Send her up. - All right.
Tony?
Yeah, over here.
Yeah, make sure you get these, uh, fish buckets.
Get the release for them.
- You got it. - Beet, come on.
Come on, come on, come on!
Ah-ha, way to go, Beet!
Let's get one of those dumb twat's drunk tonight
- and get you some pussy. - Oh, yes!
Tony, enough with the bullshit, bring the meat holes in.
This other idiot here.
To the hot tub!
Ye You're dead. d.
Yeah, work on the ass.
Beet, you got bigger tits than this one.
Keep moving please, you're wasting--
Ugh, no comment.
Yeah, give yourself a pap smear with that one.
Here you go, hide your crack pipe in it, sweetheart.
Way to go.
Put that over your face, make everyone happy.
- Dy-no-mite, there you go. - Diamond rings!
Camera time!
Whoo!
Woo-hoo!
Very nice.
Check out this piece of ass, baby.
Check out that piece of parm.
Yeah.
It looked like somebody--
Look at that, Beet, hit it.
Touch it, rub it.
Get Rub it down... man.
That a boy!
Let me get a whiff of that.
Woo-wee!
Come on, get hot, baby.
Give me the lines, give me the lines.
I love Crazy Girls Unlimited.
I'm barely 18.
And you barely have any tits.
You're lucky you got a job.
Beet, zoom in on that.
I'm just a freshman.
That's the only thing that's fresh about you.
Come on, baby.
My dick's dying of cancer here, looking at this garbage.
Come on!
Yeah.
Just a little bit more, come on, let's see those piss flaps.
Come on, put them forward.
Come on, baby, work it.
You got to get me hot, you got to get me stiff.
Work it.
All right, cut.
Beet, put the camera down, that's enough of this shit.
That a boy.
I said cut.
Here, take your T-shirt.
Go downstairs, suck a dick, make yourself useful.
I thought that was part of the deal anyway.
Shut up.
Hold on, there's somebody at the door.
Hang out, Beet.
What's up? I'm busy.
Jesus Christ!
What the fuck?
I'll see you later, sweetheart.
Beet, let's get the hell out of here!
What, huh?
Save yourself, B!
Don't worry about me, man, don't worry about him!
Jesus Christ, what the fuck's going on in here?
Get behind me, man, get behind!
So anything else you want to do for me?
Yeah.
You and me later.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Please, Jesus...
What about a little head?
God, stop, no!
Fuck this!
You motherfucker!
See you later...
shit head!
Tuu Laa Liittt
Is that Lisa?
I don't know, Einstein.
I haven't answered it yet.
Well, if it's her, could you please ask her
where our cell phones are?
I haven't updated my status in, like, two days.
People are going to think I'm dead.
Oh, hi, Daddy.
Just the person I wanted to talk to.
Hello, pumpkin.
How's the house?
The house is fine.
How's Vegas?
It's just another real-estate convention,
but it's going well.
So you girls having fun?
Oh, did you go to Wylee's?
Sure, did.
Even met Wylee herself.
Really?
I'll take it you're taking in the local culture.
That depends, Daddy.
Do you consider culture to be shuffleboard tournaments
and early bird specials?
Because that's what's going on here.
I mean, come on.
A retirement community?
What, are you punishing me?
Of course not, pumpkin.
I bought that place for peace and quiet.
I figured that's what you girls wanted, too.
You know, after your midterms.
Right.
- Thanks a bunch. - You're welcome.
So what else is going on?
Well, guess who had the nerve to pull me over today?
What, no idea?
Fucking Darren!
- Darren? - Yeah, Darren.
Oh, and this place just gets better and better.
Not only did I run into psycho-stalker
but Lisa disappeared last night with some dough boy
from your favorite bar.
- And she hasn't shown up, yet? - No.
Her phone keeps going straight to voice-mail.
If it makes you feel better,
I'll put a call into the station.
You remember what kind of vehicle she left in
or the name of the, uh...
friend she, um, might have been with?
No idea on both counts.
Well, I'll take care of it, all right?
And don't you worry about Darren,
you will not be seeing him again, okay?
Thanks, Daddy.
And look, you girls want to have a fun evening?
I left some supplies in the garage for you.
Supplies?
What kind of supplies?
Bingo?
Canasta?
No, you little wise guy.
Some party favors from a shindig
I had just a little while ago.
Party supplies?
Great.
Thanks, Daddy.
- I love you. - I love you, too.
Oh, I got to go, my--
my seminar starts in a few minutes.
- I'll talk to you tomorrow. - Bye.
Oh, wait, wait, hold on.
You don't go anywhere, you little minx.
I got something for you.
You don't go anywhere.
And don't forget, you owe me that rub and tug.
- Well? - Well, what?
What did he say to do about Lisa?
He didn't say to do anything about Lisa,
but he said he'll put a call into his old station.
I'm sure she'll be fine.
Oh...
Kel, could you come with me?
I could use your help for a sec.
- Okay. - Thank you.
Ooh, I wonder what kind of party supplies.
So?
Is this the one?
You look great.
Perfect.
Thanks, but I don't know,
I feel like I'm just going to fall out.
If you want to wear something more conservative,
you can borrow mine.
I've brought extras.
Uh...
Uh, where are you going?
It's just us in the house,
and we've seen them before.
Well...
All right.
##
What's with the hula gear?
Is somebody having a luau?
Apparently we are.
My dad mentioned something about
Ieftover party supplies.
I thought it was booze, but, uh, we got this.
So I guess you put these in the backyard.
Yeah, and the three of us will take these out front.
Bottoms up.
Thanks, I'll try not to drink it.
You do that.
##
One down.
Kelly...
Yeah?
Don't you think that'd work better
if we put fuel in there first?
Oh, right.
I get it.
What?
Is that the same cop car from before?
Hey!
Oh, shit!
I see you, asshole!
Get off my property!
Hey, I'm more than 100 feet away.
There's nothing you can do!
- man: Darren! - Ahh!
I know you can hear me!
That's right, bitch!
Go for Darren.
Get your ass to 1302 Beachside Road,
Daytona Beach, ASAP!
And don't come back!
- Fuck! - Should we be concerned?
He never hit you or anything, right?
No, it wasn't anything like that.
All lit out back.
Is everything okay?
What did we miss?
Everything's fine.
Just another visit from Deputy Douche Bag.
Next time your little policeman friend shows up,
I'm calling the real cops.
Look, I told you, my dad's taking care of it.
He's gone, drop it.
Showtime.
Shit!
Oh, my God!
Whoa, get out of my way.
What's up, boys?
Glad you could make it.
Someone recovers quickly.
- Hey, Rebecca. - Hey, Rebecca.
I like the one in blue.
Look at that donkey, man.
Why do you say, donkey?
It's an ass, man.
- What in the fuck? - Oh, ass, okay, okay.
Drink your beer, man.
Come on, you dirty girl.
Yeah...
Come on, drink up.
Okay, now for that audition.
Drink up, it's a party.
Hold on a second.
I wanna go for a ride!
If you're going to kiss me, kiss me for real.
What, do I have bad breath or something?
Whoo!
That would look so cute on you!
What are you doing?
Yeah, right.
Did you witness the beheading?
No.
The whole thing happened upstairs,
but the head fell right into my shot.
And I was thinking,
whoa, this footage has got to be worth something.
I'm telling you, Sheriff.
There's got to be a connection.
Look, I'm not going through this again.
I'm not.
We have two missing teenagers,
a murder in the same county.
Oh, and what about the guy hanging around
Missy Pratt's house?
The missing teenagers have been gone for less than 24 hours.
They're probably sleeping it off somewhere.
They'll come staggering back.
Hell, they're probably around here somewhere.
Oh, thanks, Tommy.
Let me take a look at that.
Well, I'd say your theory is pretty much a shit piece.
Oh?
Well, unless that perp you say you saw
was dressed like a monk and carrying a sword.
That's a war hammer.
A what?
A medieval weapon used by religious zealots
for purification reasons.
And you learned this where?
A local Renaissance festival?
Have any of these witnesses reported
what make of vehicle the suspect left in?
I don't think anyone was paying attention.
Too many other things to look at around here.
Sheriff...
I have a really bad feeling about this.
And you've obviously got a disability, right?
Huh?
You know, that hearing-impairment thing?
Come on, it's either that or you're just not listening.
I mean, do you realize that you're in direct violation
of the restraining order
the former sheriff put against you?
I never touched her, I just--
It doesn't matter, he's pissed
and he's threatening to go to the city council.
They're questioning my sanity.
- But you're-- - Shut up.
Here's the deal.
You stay away from Melissa Pratt.
You're going to stay away from Manatee Creek.
As a matter of fact...
you're off-duty for the next 24 hours.
So just beat it.
Go.
But what about the guy at Missy Pratt's house?
The guy at Missy Pratt's house was probably a peeper
or some ex-boyfriend with nothing better to do.
Do you realize, you're putting your entire career
on the line here for an ex-flame?
Get over it, get past it.
Those things never end well.
And usually somebody winds up getting hurt.
Okay?
Now listen, I got a dead celebrity here.
I got 50 airheads wrangling for an interview.
So let me do my job.
Get out of here.
man: So, uh, anything else you want to do for me?
Yeah, you and me later.
Actually, I got a girlfriend already.
Well, it's not like we have to fuck or anything.
But what about a little head?
Wait, wait!
God, stop, no!
Jeez, fuck this!
- Oh! - Oh, my God, did you see that?
Tha Horrible. ual.
Good God.
Headless.
Looks like someone's hormones got the better of them.
Not that I would know what that looks like!
Hey, guys!
Hello!
Why would you do that?
Okay, I like porno as much as the next person,
but your live show sucks.
Fine.
Sorry about that.
Maybe we should go somewhere a little more private.
What do you guys think?
Tha What? sie.
I could not stand the sounds of them...
... for another goddamn second.
Here, here.
All right.
Uh-huh.
What are you doing?
That's so bad.
Oh, this is going to look so good on my reel.
Who's up for a game of chicken, huh?
Come on, boys.
Whoo!
Follow the titties.
Ran out.
Who wants another one?
Yeah.
Okay, I guess I'll just bring the whole fridge.
What?
Ah, that's beautiful...
This is movie magic.
Uh-huh.
What are you doing?
What?
That's just bad.
That's just bad, that's what that is.
Come on, Dirk.
Aren't you going to get in?
I'm in the middle of something here, okay?
Becky?
Um, I'm fine.
You guys have fun.
- How about you? - No, I'm cool.
Oh, come on, don't be like these two lame asses.
Come on, let's go have fun.
Yeah, have fun, Eric.
So what do you say we continue this conversation
in the hot tub, huh?
- Come on, we'll just talk. - Okay.
I won't make you do anything you're not cool with.
Come on.
What are you doing out there?
Uh, just give me a second.
Just...
Hey!
Aren't you our ref?
Pay attention!
God!
The beer's all gone.
Asshole!
There's more in the cooler, no?
What the fuck?
Nope.
All gone.
Well, somebody needs to take the run.
Whoo!
I Can't you go?!
Bo and I were just about to win.
In your dreams, bitch.
- Oh! - In your dreams, bitch.
Come on, fuck.
Fuck, fuck!
You got to be fucking kidding me!
Come on, man, I can do this.
Wait.
Wait, I feel movement.
Ahh...
It's showtime, folks.
Mood lighting.
Nice.
You started without me?
It's cool, baby, I'll take over.
You're so wet.
Jesus.
What the fuck?!
What the fuck is...
Oh!
Y'all need me to pick up anything else while I'm out?
Yeah, how about a bottle of rum
and some hotter guys.
Better stuff that mouth before I do.
Fuck you...
# Oh beer #
# How I love you #
# Don't you ever #
# Leave me dry ##
What the fuck you looking at?
See how that works?
Fuck me.
Shit.
Is that you, Greg?
Hey, Eric, you want to go smoke a bowl?
Uh, no, I'm good.
Maybe later.
Come on, let's go upstairs.
Fucking dick.
Do you guys want to smoke?
Yeah, maybe when we come back down.
You trying to scare me,
put me on that fucking Internet of yours?
Think you're big?
Big old pile of shit.
Splatter you all over the fucking--
Holy fuck!
Goddamn it, you just cut my fucking arm off!
Fucking leg!
No, goddamn it!
Get away from me, you fucker!
Goddamn it, fuck!
I'll kill you!
Fuck...
man: Are you doing everything possible as a parent,
to make sure that they only interact with
other good Christian children?
Or are there parents lacking in moral value?
What is ingrained in them when you are not around
to control what they see or what they hear?
And that is why we are having a telethon.
But we need your help,
your kindness,
your gifts from the heart to help us, your donations.
Wait a minute.
Can we just slow down for a sec?
What's the problem?
- I said give me a second. - What's the problem?
I thought you were into it.
I'm-- I'm...
I'm just nervous.
Oh, I understand.
I'm a little nervous, too.
You're nervous?
Sure, I'm just an average guy, but you...
you are an absolute knockout.
Listen, I don't want to make you do anything
you're not cool with.
- Really? - Really.
I just-- I can't.
I'm sorry.
I knew I was wasting my time with the wrong one.
- What? - Yeah, you heard me.
I-- I could be downstairs right now
fucking that slut, Missy.
But stupid me.
See, I thought it would be more fun to go for the challenge.
You know what?
You prudes are all the same.
Oh, you act like you're all about it,
but, really, you're just a scared little girl.
Oh, sweetie, don't cry.
Save the water works for someone who gives a fuck.
Yeah, I'm going to get the hell out of here now,
and go get a blow job from your friend, okay?
You wouldn't do that.
Yeah, we'll see.
Fucking tease.
Come on, Zack, let's roll.
No, I'm cool.
Plus, Bo's not back yet.
- Why, what's up? - What's wrong?
Did you have a little problem upstairs?
I'm not the one with the problem.
Don't waste your time, dude.
You're not going to get anything anyway.
This house is full of cock teases.
Fuck you, asshole.
You're not even worth teasing.
Fuck you, cunts.
Whoa, Dirk, cool it, man, go chill.
You know what, I'm going to get my ass a cab
and go to Daytona, "Crazy Girls" or not.
At least those bitches know how to party.
Have fun, loser.
- Whoa! - I need to go check on Becky
and see what your asshole friend did to her.
No, no, no, I'll go check on her.
I think I know what happened up there, all right?
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Knock knock
Go away.
God, what?
Does "no" mean "yes" to all of you?
I come in peace.
Do you want to talk about it?
What's there to talk about?
I'm just some uptight prude who led your friend on.
Whoa, hey.
Do you really think that about yourself
or is that something Dirk told you?
Let me tell you something about Dirk.
He's been giving the same speech
three times a week since high school.
He calls it his "Mount Gushmore."
How could I be so stupid?
You're not stupid.
Everyone makes mistakes.
You're smart enough not to let it go too far, right?
Is, uh...
is that your mom?
Yeah.
Uh, she gave this to me when I was, like, seven.
It makes me sound like such a little girl,
but sometimes... when I look at it,
it just seems like everything will be okay.
Like she's there to lead me down the right path.
Sounds stupid, but--
You're not stupid.
Stop.
It seems like she really cares about you and loves you.
Seems like you're growing into quite the young woman,
not a little girl.
That was bad.
No...
That was-- that's horrible.
That's so bad.
That's a horrible line.
- Thank you. - No problem.
What is this?!
Oh, I get it, you get bored with one and go for another?
- Missy, you don't understand. - Sure I do.
Your drama is ruining this whole fucking weekend.
First, we have to leave the bar early
'cause you puke on yourself.
Now, you run off the best-looking guy in town
because you're scared to put out?
Oh... what is this?
Who are you kidding with this shit, Becca?
You pretend to be holier than thou,
but actually, you're just a selfish bitch!
Really?
I'm going to get out of the pool,
I'm going to flatiron my hair
and I'm going put on makeup
and I'm going to come up here and yell at you.
Fucking prude-ass bitch.
Beer wagon's back, bitches!
All right, I'm going to go help him.
Whoo!
Hey, who ordered the monk?
- What was that? - I don't know.
Zack probably pulled down his pants.
He's Edan.
Okay.
I'll get Becky and Eric!
You get your phone and call 9-1-1!
And get Kelly!
Wait in her room!
Missy, are you listening?
Missy?
Where is the keys and phone?
In-- in my purse.
On-- on the bed!
Fore, motherfucker!
I'll get my phone.
Wait in my room, okay?
Go!
Get the phone and go!
Did you come for the radio this time?
What is it?
Okay...
Okay, okay...
What do we do now?
I say we make a break for it.
What? Are you crazy?
No, I say we wait for the police to come.
If Mandy called them, who knows what happened to her?
I'm with Eric.
Okay.
All right, look, you two stay here
and lock the door behind me.
What... fuck!
Fuck!
Shh...
Lock the door, lock the door.
It's okay.
Oh, my God, what's going on out there?
What the fuck is going on?
I don't know.?
Fuck.
Mandy?
And Kelly?
Look, we've only got one shot
and it's down that hall.
We can do this.
We have to go...
Let's do it.
Shh...
Go, go, go!
Come on, come on, come on!
Let's go!
Oh, my God!
This way, come on!
Fuck this!
Get the fuck out of my way!
No, no, it's going to be all right!
Look at me, look at me!
No, it's going to be all right!
It'll be okay, it'll be okay!
Look, she's going to go down fine!
Missy's fine, look, she's making it down just fine.
Look, she's going to be all right!
You have to go now!
Rebecca, fucking jump!
- You have to go now! - I can't, I'm afraid!
You gotta go!
- I'll be right behind you. - Go, jump!
Becca, fucking jump!
He's going to fucking kill you!
Jump!
- Holy shit! - Ow!
Oh, my-- Becca!
Get the fuck up, get the fuck up!
Run, Becca, run, run!
Go, go, go, go!
Run!
Oh, Darren!
There's somebody in the house!
What?
Slow down.
Who's in the house?
What are you doing here?
Why are you holding that?
Come on, I got to get you out of here.
Where's the backup?
All our friends are dead inside.
Shouldn't you be doing something?
What, what... wait, all dead?
- Are you sure? - Yes, I'm fucking sure, Darren!
Do your fucking job!
Well, I just-- I just got to get you out of here.
- Come on! - Wait!
What's going on here?
And why haven't you calling anybody?
I'll tell you why he hasn't called anyone.
He's not even supposed to be here.
I have a restraining order on this fucking pedophile!
Melissa, you know damn well I never laid a finger on you!
Your friend here is a fucking liar!
What?
I loved her and I was waiting 'til she turned 18.
Yeah, well, that was the problem.
You know, you brought this on yourself.
I didn't.
Whatever's actually going on here tonight,
I know damn well it's your fault.
Your slutty ways have clouded your judgment.
Fucking don't...
Now, I need to get you someplace safe!
Are you okay? Did he hurt you?
Who the fuck is this guy?!
What the fuck is going on around here?!
Whoa!
Golly gee, somebody's got a potty mouth.
What the fuck?
And to answer your question, I'm Becky's boyfriend.
Ex-boyfriend!
And how did you know where I was staying?
Well, when you didn't answer your phone,
Rosemarie asked if I would come and check up on you.
She's very worried.
Do you-- do you have a phone on you?
We have to call the police.
Yes.
Looks like someone already did.
Fucking yes or no, douche canoe?
Well, duh.
Miss Manners.
It's-- it's in my car
and it's just around-- around the corner.
You tw Yes, thank you. ith me.
- No, he's not! - I promise, it's gonna be okay!
Stop, he's gonna fucking help us!
Is there a problem?
Todd?
Did you follow me here?
Sorry to say that I did.
And what I've observed has been very disappointing.
Oh, what's this?
What the fuck is that, what is that?
Becky!
Hmm...
It's probably one of the weapons
that God bestowed upon me
to kill all your slutty-ass friends
who were trying to turn you into a whore!
We have to get the fuck out of here.
You know, for such a sweet girl, Rebecca,
you hang out with some people with very questionable
morals and values.
Like you.
Come on, Eric!
Gosh... darn...
sinner!
Oh!
Oh, my God, get up, come on, get up!
Jezebel!
Oh, God...
I knew I should have went to see Willie Aames.
What... what the fuck is he talking about?
She's going to be so disappointed in me...
It's all right.
It's over now.
It's not quite over...
... yet.
I've been wanting to do that for so long.
Mother!
Dear...
can you get away from the pervert so I can finish?
Finish what?
Clearing your path.
Oh, come now, dear.
Did you really think that I wouldn't notice?
I know.
Mothers always know.
No...
Oh, my poor sweet Rebecca.
The way your face lit up when they announced
that flesh-fest was being filmed not far from here.
These girls holes.
Now that's what's in danger.
Luke chapter 13, verse three.
"I tell you no, but unless you repent,
you will all perish in the same way."
Don't you see now?
Todd and I knew you that you were being influenced
by your friends and the media.
It was the devil's work.
We had to make you see the light
while your soul was still pure.
That's when I asked God what my next step had to be.
Remove the temptation.
Eliminate any possibility of your being forced
to commit unspeakable acts.
Oh, my God!
First, the bodyguard.
He was easily swayed by the promise of sin.
Next was a girl who had already given in
to otherworldly pleasures.
Followed by that pint-sized minion of Satan.
- Wong gendeng! - Whoo!
Oh!
Who was given to me as a sacrifice
by that despicable man...
Fuck this!
... who then took his own life!
See you later...
shithead!
That was you?
Oh, my God!
Beet and Sal are dead...
Great.
There goes my fucking check.
"Then the lust, when it conceives, bears sin
"and the sin when it is full grown
brings forth death."
James chapter one, verse 1 5.
So you see.
He simply must die.
Oh, God...
Die, you psycho bitch!
God, why hast thou forsaken me?!
Why don't you ask him yourself?!
Hey, come on, come on, we need to go get help, okay?
Eat dirt, bitch!
Holy shit.
Darren, what the hell has happened here?
I'll put it in my report.
About that move.
You've been holding out on me.
I wrestled a little bit in college.
Yeah.
I guess I never seen it done on a woman before.
You can ask my ex-wife about that sometime.
We got a multiple homicide at...
Manatee Creek, 16301 Johnston.
We're going to need EVAC.
Four ambulances.
A couple of body bags.
Look at this thing, Darren.
It's been modified.
Modified?
Yeah, modified for a woman.
This is hollowed-out aluminum,
Iike a baseball bat with a sharp edge.
Look at this.
Please help...
my mother.
I know what what she did was wrong...
Damn you, harlot!
Ashes to ashes, bitch!
Whoa!
Whoa, forget the ambulances, we need a fire truck.
I'm so happy to be in Crazy Girls Unlimited.
I'm a crazy girl.
Crazy girls!
I love Crazy Girls Unlimited.
Ladies, step in and give him a belly rub.
Hey!
I can rub some.
man: We don't need you to talk.
Crazy Girls!
Unlimited.
Whoo!
Tell me Sheriff, do you watch Crazy Girls videos?
Well, you know what they say, Holly.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
##
As you can plainly see,
these three gorgeous girls are throwing down on me.
I'd rather them going down on me.
Our savior rose from the dead...
And these girls could raise anything,
including the dead.
I am praying for a $1,000 angel.
What kind of angel are you?
I'm the angel of the tits.
And then in the Garden of Eden,
the snake said...
Put your ass in the air and touch your toes.
Hallelujah!
Open your wallet.
Pick up the phone
and call the number below and say...
Fuck you, Dominic!
Jesus saves and--
Jesus does save.
He's saving all that money you're sending to me
and I'm spending it probably on little boys,
if you know what I'm saying.
##
I've got a boner.
Sound rolling.
man: 107D, take one, soft sticks.
Action.
Action... happy leprechaun.
man: Now look at their tits.
Look at your tits.
man: No, look at them, really look at their tits.
Oh, look at those.
Whoo, whoa!
- man: I got a lot of hos. - Oh, I got a lot of hos.
- man: Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas!
- man: We're Crazy Girls! - We're the Crazy Girls!
man: Girls say that.
- Trick or treat. - Trick or treat.
Oh, tits.
Bless the America.
man: All right, Beetlejuice, now be nasty.
Ooh, nasty!
Excuse me, I need a piss.
Can we get those body bags over here?
I think I love you.
Oh...
It's good to be the King.
Is this serious?
You pile-drive people and you take my girl?
What is this?
Shut up.
Show me your tits!