- Hi, babe. - Hi.
I've still got 23 seconds left!
One second, Simon!
Awesome.
- Okay. - One minute!
Five minutes is up. Let's go.
Hold on. Hold on.
Okay. Hold on.
Oh, my God. Okay, great.
Here. Let's get-- That's dirty.
Quick. Quick sticks.
- Okay. Here we go. - Do you need this?
- I'm seeing that house again today, babe. - Right.
The one with the five bathrooms?
One for every single member of this family.
Can you imagine? I mean,
I didn't know that was a thing. It's like a château.
We're gonna have more bathrooms than we know what to do with.
What do you care? You shit at work.
- We don't say "shit." - You're right, I'm sorry.
Well, you know what? When we move, I will shit at home like a king.
Shit, shit, shit.
- Don't say "shit." - Where's the baguette?
- What? What baguette? - I need a baguette
and a beret for French class. Where are they?
What? I-- This is the first I've heard about a baguette or a beret.
- Oh, my God. Mom. - What? I didn't--
I didn't get an e-mail from Ms. Lauren. Did you hear about the baguettes?
- Sorry, I didn't. I gotta go. - Or the beret?
- Okay. See you. - Good luck.
- You can't close it because-- - I'm gonna fail!
- Take this guy out. - All right, buddy.
- I am keeping it. I want it! - Okay. But you cannot close your bag.
- So, how was your night with Will? - It was fun for, like, 30 seconds.
And then it just turned into total drama again.
We were literally screaming at each other
on a street corner at 1:00 a.m. in the morning.
Oh, my God. Just hearing that makes me feel more alive than I have in 20 years.
I need to start yelling more.
- Yelling is so primal. - I know.
Nagging's not primal.
No, it was-- I'm not gonna lie, it was a great night.
But I can't-- Like, honestly,
I don't have enough time for made-up problems in my life.
I have enough real problems. Like that one.
I'm supposed to see that house today in Encino for the third time.
And I swear to God if I'm not gonna buy it, she's gonna fire me.
I told you not to hire Diane
- as your Realtor. - I know.
She's an office mom. She's out of our league.
She's wearing a fucking blazer.
- I get it. You work in an office. - Yeah.
Some of us, we're still stuck working at home.
Just 'cause I wear sweatpants doesn't mean I don't have an actual job.
- She's too fancy for me. I know. - Yeah.
I know that. If we weren't both parents here,
there's no way she would ever work with me in the first place.
- Never. - Hi!
- Diane! - Don't imitate her face.
- Hi, Sylvia. - Hi.
Such an exciting day. We're putting an offer in.
That's right. Today is totally about buying a house with money.
Because this one put me through the wringer.
- Guilty! - We have looked at
over 40 homes this year.
- No. - I sold Ellen and Portia their home
in one day.
- I heard good things about Ellen. - Me too!
I told her, "There are no shortcuts.
You can't have square footage and brand-spanking-new
and location all at a certain price point."
I know. You were right. I was wrong.
And what she got was an amazing fixer-upper.
- It's-- - I mean, it's a project, to be sure.
But now that the little one's in kindergarten, it'll be a dream next act.
I finally have the time to do it.
So anyway, listen, ladies. I'm gonna be late.
I gotta get to Malibu to show a beach compound.
Can't say who it's for, but it rhymes with Schminn Liesel.
But I will be back in the deep Valley to see you later.
- Thank you, Diane. You're the best. - Bye-bye.
Thank you for all your hard work, your patience.
- Good luck. - You know what's crazy?
Oh, my God.
Schminn Liesel is actually the name of my great-grandfather from Estonia.
- No. No. - Papi Schminn.
I thought Schminn Liesel was the fifth child in the von Trapp family.
- I've heard that. Yeah. - Schminnie.
Oh, dear.
So, what else? We think of doing anything exciting today?
- Oh, my God. It's a big one. - Yeah. Walk me through it.
Going to pick up vaccination records for Sam.
First sleepaway camp. Yeah, it's pretty exciting. Yeah.
- I just love days like these. - You mean every day?
I do.
Hello, Sylvia. It's Will. It's a terrible emergency.
You have to call me.
What's the emergency?
There's not actually an emergency. I was just joking.
How you doing?
Okay. What do you want?
Let's chat. What are you up to?
What's going on?
Okay, fine. I'll tell you what's going on. You left your credit card at my bar.
- Fuck. - If you wanted to hang out with me again,
you didn't have to leave some trinket behind.
- You could've just asked me to lunch. - I really-- I don't have time for this.
- So, lunch? - No.
- Brunch? - No.
Dim sum? That's my final offer. You dim sum, you lose some.
Okay. Goodbye, Will.
Come on. Wait. Don't you want your credit card back?
You yelled at me on the street in the middle of the night last night.
Nobody treats me like that in my life except for all three of my children.
You yelled at me too. We yell. People yell.
We texted each other after. It's fine. It's all good.
I'm over it. Get over it.
You get over it.
Well, the water's rising, but I'm too afraid to flush it again.
I don't know. Plunging might fix it, it also might make it worse.
Oh, yeah? You should have a home repair show.
I'm so ready to leave this house.
- You got this. - Oh, my God. It's overflowing!
- What'd you do? - Nothing. I was just looking at it.
Oh, no! It's everywhere. Why is this my life?
Do you need me to come home?
- Bye. - Bye. Love you, babe.
Toilet!
Fuck. Shit. No!
Fuck.
Coming!
What are you doing here?
- They call it "being a hero." - I don't have time for this.
I am a great man. They will write songs about me.
- What are you doing? - I need your help. Can you come in here?
Can I grab some of these avocados?
Oh, God.
I promise you, it's just water.
- Oh, yeah? Okay. - Make it stop.
I don't know how to make it stop.
That ain't good.
Did you do this? Was this you?
- Could you just fix it? - Yep.
There you go.
- Thank you. Thank you so much. - There you go. Where's your mop?
It's in the kitchen. But you don't have to do that.
It's fine. Like 60% of bartending is mopping.
Thank you. You don't have to do that.
Your house is very lovely. Very homey.
You mean small.
No, I mean very homelike.
Oh, my God. There's his iPad.
Secret iPad. Someone watching porno?
- He's eight. - And?
When I was eight, I was disgusting.
- Don't put that in there. That's gross. - Why?
- Why is that gross? - Because people lie down in there.
- Not gross. You can drink toilet water. - You could do a lot of things.
- Exactly. Thirsty? - Please take that--
You wanna suckle on the threads?
What do you wanna do after this? You wanna go to the beach?
Get some oysters? Wanna go see a movie?
I can't. I'm busy. I'm putting an offer in on a house, actually.
Yeah. After I do the final walk-through.
Nice. What's wrong with this place?
We've outgrown it. It's too small for the five of us.
There's one bathroom. It's-- And-- Which is flooding.
- Tell me about the new place. - It's great!
It's, you know, fixer-upper. Needs a bit of work.
- Can I come on the walk-through? Please. - No.
Please. I'm actually very good with renovations.
- Since when? - I redid most of the bar by myself.
Really?
Yeah. It was a chicken slaughterhouse when we got it.
- Get out. - Yeah.
- Wow. - We still find feathers and beaks.
I know. Seriously, though. Can I come? I'll be very helpful, I promise.
Okay. Just don't talk.
- I won't. - Don't--
Just don't talk to me or anybody.
- No talking. Perfect. - Nope.
So, how often do you see Audrey?
I don't know. Every few weeks.
I still have a bunch of stuff I haven't moved out of the house.
So, you know, I'm periodically going back there to get some shit.
What? Why?
Just-- You know. Takes a long time to move.
You can do it in a day.
It's not just the stuff, you know. Gandalf is still there.
- Audrey has Gandalf? - Yeah.
But he was yours first. You love that lizard.
I still love Gandalf. It's just-- She insisted on keeping him
'cause she didn't think I was responsible enough to take care of him.
Well, that's ridiculous.
He's like your son in lizard form. You should have custody.
I have joint custody, 'cause I go see him all the time.
What?
- What? You can tell me. Tell me. - Nothing. I just-- I don't know.
It's hard to recover from a divorce if your lives are still totally entwined.
Well, divorce is a messy thing. It's not like one day you're married,
the next day you never see each other again.
Have you ever thought that you leave your stuff there
and she keeps Gandalf so you two can stay connected
and keep this drama or whatever it is alive?
Now that you mention it, our arguments are pretty thrilling.
And they often lead to sex.
There you go. There you have it.
Very exciting stuff.
No, thank you.
- We're talking charged fights. - No, thank you.
- Absolutely not. Nope. - Is that gross to you?
- Don't "yuck" my yum. - Stop.
So, tell me about this home. What are we talking about here?
- It's got really good bones. - Okay.
Bigger, square footage. There's a pool.
Great. Is it, like, a full teardown?
Just, like, a kind of a renovation-type deal?
It's not really a teardown or a flip.
It's a...
It's a former assisted living facility.
Closed after COVID.
- I bet it did. - Fuck you. Fuck off.
Uh-huh.
- Just a little bit different. Okay? Yeah. - Interesting. Can't wait to see.
- Hi. - Hi.
- You made it. So glad to see you. - Hi. Nice to see you.
And you must be Charlie. At long last.
- Hi. - It's so nice to finally meet you.
- No. - Hi. No.
- This is Will. He's my contractor. - I'm Will. Yeah. I'm a contractor.
- Great. Glad you came to have a look. - Professional contractor.
And he's also the host of a TV show on Nickelodeon called "We Be Jammin'."
- Uh-huh. - Oh, my goodness.
And we teach children to be confident using reggae.
Haven't heard of it. Have to check it out.
Charlie couldn't come today. He was just too slammed at work.
- So-- Yeah. - This house is gorgeous.
- Unbelievable. - Yeah.
- The "buttrels." The-- All of this. - Yeah.
The-- These details.
What-- The-- 1926, obviously?
- 1986. - That's what I was gonna say.
- Close. - It's got the 50-year cycle. You know--
So, the interior of the house is--
- 6,000 square feet, I would imagine? - It is 3,500 square feet.
- Meh, I don't know about that. - But--
- You sure? - Oh, yeah.
Why don't we check that? I'll eyeball it.
- Yeah. The lot is 6,000. - Yeah, we'll eyeball it.
So, it presents as a 6K there.
Come on in and see it. We're gonna do our fourth,
and hopefully final, walk-through.
- Come on! - Praise Jah.
- Look at this. - Yeah.
And you got seven chess boards, which is not easy to find. Even now.
So, keep your mind clear, this is a whole remodel. Yes.
Wow.
Yes. This could be the foyer or--
Yeah. Nice high ceilings.
Very high, very spacious...
- Can barely touch 'em. - ...great acoustics. Yeah.
- Yeah, great acoustics. - Yeah. Uh-huh.
And it's in a school system here.
Lots of railings and ramps if safety is your thing.
- Look at this. Does this work? - Yeah, and--
It does! It works.
Could you actually return that to its starting position, please?
Thank you. Thank you so much.
What's this?
Medic.
Medic. Medi--
Jesus Christ.
Everybody loves that button.
But you know what? The good thing is,
with the wiring in the ceiling, you could just put in a sound system...
- Oh, yeah. - ...throughout the whole--
- That is a good idea. - No, not--
Yes,
- we've got to clear all this stuff out. - Well, that works.
- Yeah, I guess so. My goodne-- - That suits you.
- I would just-- - I wouldn't sit in that.
- Don't even-- Don't-- - Be careful there. Do--
- Oh, no. I wouldn't do that. What-- - I'm good. It's like a little hammock.
- So, you're the contractor? - You got it.
Yes, I've been "contractoring" for over a decade now.
And we've never crossed paths in all that time.
I think we have, actually. You just don't remember me.
- I think I would remember. - No.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Yeah, so this is my favorite room. - Wow.
It's got a real East Coast kind of vibe about it.
Yeah, sort of colonial hospice, Cape Cod mortuary.
Yeah, I'm gonna knock that wall down and make this the big dining room
- where we can entertain, and-- Yeah. - Nice. Very cool.
Does it feel to you like someone has died in this room?
'Cause it feels to me like someone has died in here.
- It's irrelevant. - Not in this room. Yep.
All right. Does all this stuff come with the place,
or do the owners plan on taking it with them into the next realm?
Can you just stop? Just stop, please. I know you're having fun, but I--
- Enough. - Okay, I'm sorry.
You're right. It's too much. You're right.
- Thank you. Thank you. - I apologize. The wood is very nice.
- That's not real wood. - Oh, well, great.
And this would be Simon's room.
It's got a little kitchen.
Every boy's dream.
Thank you.
- This is Frances's. - This one has a full-size fridge.
There's teeth and blood in here.
But I could contractor that right out of here, no problem. Easy.
- Yeah, that's easy to deal with. - Yeah.
- And this would be Maeve's room. - Another little kitchen.
What the fuck?
- You saw that, right? You guys saw that? - Drafts. Just drafts.
That's happened before?
Let's check out the parlor.
That was not a draft.
I mean, the kids will love that.
Love what?
What are you talking about?
And this would be our bedroom.
The primary.
Yeah, and obviously, you know,
we would put up a wall between the toilet and the bedroom.
And we'd move the kitchenette, and the IV rack,
and the rubber curtain, and the rubber curtain rack,
and the rails, and the safety bars, and--
Yeah, and then we'd just put a few windows here...
- Oh, yeah. - ... somehow.
That's easy. You just blow right through that wall.
That is not an exterior wall.
Look at this.
- Medic. - Jesus! Sorry.
- Medic. - You wanna press it twice.
- Medic. Me-- - You wanna press it twice. It's--
- Looks different from the other button. - Yeah.
Cool.
Got a poo chair.
Yeah.
- Comes with. Yeah. - Yeah.
- All right. - Yeah, I just--
Fix it up.
- Please don't get in that thing. - I really want to.
- Please. I'm begging you. - I really, really want to.
Oh, man.
What does Charlie think of this place?
- He loves it. - Yeah.
But at this point, he would love anything that was bigger and that we could afford.
He'd move into an abandoned Blockbuster if he could.
Those are all GNCs now, unfortunately.
But can I be honest with you?
No, please, stick to your usual tact and charm.
Okay, this place is a nightmare.
And it will cost so much money
to make this anything other than something that is terrible.
Why don't you move into somewhere more turnkey, you know?
Isn't Charlie a lawyer?
Yeah, but we have three kids and one income.
And we live in the second most expensive city in America.
So stop mooching and get a job.
I've been out of the workforce for 13 years, raising my children.
I can't just "get a job."
I'll sign you up for ZipRecruiter, okay?
Some of the dumbest motherfuckers on Earth have jobs. You can get a job.
Look, if we want to get a bigger house, this is what we can afford.
So, I'm just gonna roll up my sleeves and fix this thing up.
It'll take a few years, and then we'll move in.
Yeah, a few years, a few crucifixes.
Listen, we live very different lives, Will. That's the fact, okay?
You can do whatever you want and go wherever you want
with your crazy hats and whatever.
Being a mom is basically doing a lot of things you don't wanna do.
You sound like a robot, okay?
Those are not written rules. Just bail on this motherfucker.
- What? - Yeah.
Charlie wants to move.
And the kids are getting older, and they need more space.
Do you wanna live here?
Of course I don't wanna fucking live here. What are you talking about?
- No. - I don't. I-- It's a haunted nightmare.
Well, then why don't we get out of here, douse ourselves in holy water,
and tell Charlie that you are not moving into this place?
I'll tell Charlie if you go to Audrey's place and get your stuff
and just make a clean break.
This is emotional blackmail.
Because I care about you you're gonna force me to do a thing
- I don't wanna do? - I care more about you.
- I don't know about that. - You need to
- get out of that relationship. - I don't know about that.
- You need to get out of that girl's house. - You know what?
You're fucking on. Calling your shit.
- Really? - I'll do it. Yes.
- Now, pull the plug. Yes. - Really?
Tell the scary lady you don't wanna live here.
- So now I have to do it? - You do. Right now. They're coming.
- We're on. We did it. We made the deal. - How I'm supposed--
- Go. Say it. Just go. - I'm too scared.
- Say it. - Could you say it?
All right, everybody.
It's paperwork time.
I know, everybody hates paperwork. But I will make it fun and fast.
We're just gonna get your name right th--
I'm so sorry, I just-- I can't do it.
- You got to be kidding me. - I'm just-- I'm s--
I'm fired. I'm definitely fired. I know.
Let's be honest. This place is terrible, okay?
I mean, it's a real shitburger.
It was my dad's.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God!
I feel so much better.
I'm not doing mine. Let's not do mine. I don't wanna do it.
- Let's get ice cream instead, okay? - No.
- I'll buy you ice cream. - We are going to do your thing.
- I don't want to. No. - No. Absolutely not.
- Come on. Please. - Absolutely not.
- We are going. - It's so final.
Once I take my stuff out, I will never step foot in that house again,
- and I hate thinking of that. - Will, we're going.
We're doing it. You're gonna feel good.
- Oh, fuck. - It's gonna be good.
She's not home. Looks like it's not meant to be. Let's go.
Let's go around the side. Come on.
Hello?
Oh, my God.
It's Gandalf.
- Look at him. - He looks miserable.
- He looks so dejected. So sad. - Yeah. He sees you.
- Hi. - He does. Look. Hi.
- Hi. - He just lit up.
- He's so-- - His whole demeanor just shifted.
- Hi. - He lit up like a light.
- Hi, little buddy. - She's not home.
Call her and figure out a time to get your stuff.
- Okay? Let's go. - No. We gotta do it now.
I'm gonna lose my nerve. I need you for support.
- Let's do it right now, okay? - All right, how?
You gotta get on all fours, climb through this dog door.
- What? No. - You gotta do it.
- It's the only way. - You do it.
- I won't fit, I've tried. Trust me. - Come on.
You gotta be very, very slender and fit and flexible.
Overall small, long torso, long legs.
- I know what you're doing. - Very narrow.
- I like it. Okay. - Good. Get through that doggy door.
All right. I can do this.
Hurry.
Don't look at my ass unless you want to get hypnotized.
With all due respect, I do not.
Just go. Come on.
- Very graceful. Nice. - Yes.
- Look at that. - You got it. Yes. Good.
Nice. Get the door.
- Nice. Good job. Here. - Yes. Come on.
- This way. - Yeah.
Will, what are you doing?
Audrey, you're home.
Will, you told me that this was your house. What are you doing?
- What are you doing? - Sylvi--
- No, I didn't. Wh-- - Sylvia, don't play dumb.
I saw you crawl through the doggy door on the security camera.
You didn't tell me that you had a fucking security camera.
You wouldn't have done that if you knew we did.
I-- Look, in his defense, he's just trying to come and get his stuff
- and make a clean break. That's it. - You don't get your stuff.
- I want my stuff. - You don't get your stuff
because I'm pretty sure you can find an old hairbrush
and a cell phone charger somewhere else instead of using it as a pathetic excuse
- to come and stalk me. - I'm stalking you now?
As if.
What the fuck, Sylvia? Why are you even here?
Don't you have kids and a family?
I do. Do you-- Yes, you remembered. I do, yes.
Well, if you really cared about Will,
you wouldn't pull him into whatever screwed up dynamic
- you two have from years ago. - Okay.
You're like a couple of teenage girls with your stupid nicknames
and the catchphrases and the inside jokes.
You'd be on the phone until 4 a.m. all the time.
I was up with a colicky baby. Who else was I supposed to talk to?
- Your husband. - He was asleep. We had a system.
Okay, so I was doing the nights and he would do the mornings.
So I would be breastfeeding--
I don't give a shit.
Your whole thing was so weird and destructive.
He would invite you to our date nights.
He would wear clothes that you picked out for him.
What was I supposed to do? Not set boundaries?
It wasn't good for him.
You know what? Now that we're broken up,
I don't have to listen to your fucking righteous bullshit speeches anymore, okay?
Actually, you kind of do
because you're standing in my dining room
after crawling through the fucking doggy door like a fucking dog.
- Should we fuck? - Get the fuck out!
Get out!
Do you mind if I use your toilet?
- I'm so sorry to ask. - Yes, just get out.
Thank you.
She makes me so mad.
- You did really well. - Did I?
Yeah, except for the part where you begged her to have sex with you.
Yeah, that, in retrospect, felt a little pathetic.
- Yeah. - If I had just--
She was sending mixed signals, right?
- I didn't read that. - Really?
- No. - Were we not in the same room?
I have something to cheer you up.
- It's Gandalf. - Yeah.
Hey.
- Look, you rescued him. - Yeah.
- He's already happier. I can tell. - He looks so elated.
He looks ten years younger.
Thank you. Hello, baby.
- Yeah. - He's very sweet.
Don't. Not-- No.
Back off! I don't like it.
- Look at him. - We gotta get out of here.
Can you believe she said we were destructive?
No. We're exactly the opposite.
- We are constructive. We create. - We're constructive.
What happened?
- Nice! Yes! - Oh, the shame.
I'm sorry, Audrey.
Gandalf is so jacked up off of this shit.
Oh. G-dawg.
Okay.
All right. Here we go. This is perfect.
- So this is you, huh? - This is me.
- This is the hood. Nice. - This is it, yeah.
It's really nice during the day. At night, a little weird.
It's a lot of dogs barking and humans screaming.
And the occasional loud bang
that you don't wanna ask too many questions about.
- You know what I mean? - Well...
- Yeah, but I like it. - It's interesting.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Well, thank you for today.
I don't think I would've had the courage to say no to that dump
if it hadn't been for your opinion. So, thank you for that.
Well, thank you for, you know, finally making me cut ties with Audrey
and pull that Band-Aid off.
I should obviously not be seeing her ever, so thank you.
And...
- And? - And...
- Thank you for rescuing Gandalf... - Yes, you're welcome.
- ...from that terrible environment. - You're welcome.
He says thank you as well.
Look how elated he is.
Yeah. Look at that.
- Really appreciate it. - You're welcome.
The thing is, if I'm being honest,
I'm not really cut out to take care of Gandalf.
You're not cut out to take care of a lizard?
I'm actually not cut out to take care of really anything, including myself.
It's a huge reason why me and Audrey got divorced.
- Will you take him? Please, take him. - Absolutely not. Absolutely not.
You have an instinct to protect him. I saw it in you.
Under no circumstances am I taking that lizard.
So, you were just driving home,
and you thought we needed a bearded dragon?
Yeah, it was with one of those lizard adoption things
on the side of the road.
And I-- My heart just broke.
Really? 'Cause you never wanted a pet before.
It's for the kids.
- Most people get dogs. - Dogs are a lot of work.
So you're sure about the house?
You don't wanna go by, check it out one last time?
No, that house is such a hassle. And Will agreed. He saw it too.
Will was there?
Yeah, he just came by. Fresh set of eyes.
What do you wanna call him? I was thinking of...
- Gandalf. - No, I don't like that.
- That's weird. - Yeah?
What about Jessipa?
You mean Jessica?
No, Jessipa.
- She's... - Do you even like lizards?
Oh, yeah, I love them.
Love them.
Look at her face.
- I can tell she loves it here. - Yeah.
I love Jessipa.