The scale has only two arms
On one side is us And on the other are our dreams
Life is so tormenting
Thankfully, you are here
Everybody wants love.
And that age is such that others feel attracted toward you,
and you also feel attracted to others.
I would often receive requests from people.
I would chat with them,
but it would always end in sex.
After sex, the other person would say goodbye.
Come, spend some time, and then leave.
If it's a trans person, then use them like tissue paper and dispose of them.
So, I didn't get serious with anybody.
The one I fell in love with was in my school.
Six years I had given to this relationship, and so had the other person.
And this has not worked out.
You are done. Now it's only death.
After this, you do things for the community, you do your work…
but don't expect anything on the love front.
All those relationships are now closed chapters of my life,
and I don't want to open up like this in front of the world.
Every relationship has its uniqueness.
The trust I had with my ex-partner,
I still haven't found with anyone.
Hi, I am Siddharth Gope.
I was born and brought up in Tripura, Agartala.
I identify myself as a trans man and bisexual.
In December 2020, I was talking to somebody on social media.
Gradually, I felt like we had some kind of connection.
We understand each other.
So, we entered into a relationship.
We decided that I would shift to Kolkata.
She would also leave her home,
and we would start our new life in Kolkata.
Her parents had to be informed,
so she told me to talk to them.
She called her mom.
I said, "We have decided to live together."
Her mom was like…
"What? With whom?"
"You had gone for your project," etc.
After one week, they called and said,
"Meet us once."
My heart said not to trust them.
I mean, anything is possible.
Then, I thought…
let's trust them since they are asking so much.
There's a park in New Town, Probin Uddayan.
We went to meet them there.
Her father said that the mom was not well,
so she couldn’t get out of the car.
She wanted to eat, so he told me,
"Siddharth, go buy some food."
I took the money to buy the food.
It was raining.
I bought the food and ran back in the rain
to the spot where their car was parked.
They weren't there, nor was the car.
Nor was my ex-partner.
I didn't know what to do or whom to speak to.
This is an unknown city. I don't know anyone.
There were some bystanders.
I asked them if they had seen a car parked there.
They said the car had left long ago, right after you did.
The first time I fell for somebody was…
Was an extremely beautiful person.
And yeah, I don't think I can give more details than this.
What I need… What I needed was care.
Okay? Because there were a lot of wounds from the family
because of violence.
And the one I fell in love with was in my school.
What I received from that person was care.
Okay.
A lot…
A lot of care and love.
When I was looking for legitimacy…
of that love…
Too much trans ignorance.
Because we ourselves didn't know we were trans.
It was that I'm a man and I'm in love with another woman.
It was hard for the other person to come to terms with that.
At that time, I was very heartbroken.
It felt like only that person could…
provide me with love and care,
which also came from my deeper wounds of deprivation of
love, care, and support from my family.
And attention from my family, you know?
So it's a messed-up thing.
Actually, it was a mixture, so it was intense.
That heartbreak was very hard to survive
because I was not expecting that to happen.
That person has loved me for being so…
So resentful of good things not happening in the family.
They had seen me at my worst.
And then just not being with me because I am trans…
And then not having answers for it.
You know? It just… vanished one day.
No reasons were given.
Why? What?
And that question…
you know, kept putting me in doubt.
Am I lovable?
That was the only thing that kept me, like,
constantly on the edge of…
I am not adequate.
You know, that my love will never be enough.
It will end up being about the genitals.
For me, I always knew it was about gender.
My experience from my childhood
was always very much knowing the fact that I am a woman.
So, therefore,
I also grew up with the idea that if I am a woman,
I should be attracted to men.
I tried dating straight men.
And I always used to find an attraction
that was missing for me.
It did not have any emotional resonance with me.
The therapist I was seeing then…
I was telling her about my relationships.
And how I do not find comfort in them.
I am trying to escape them all the time.
What exactly was happening with me?
She asked me, "Is it possible that…
you are attracted to women?"
And I kind of dismissed her immediately. Right?
That's not possible for me at all.
That changed for me when I, for the first time, sort of considered,
"Is it possible that I am attracted to women…
as a woman?"
"Saher" means morning breeze.
When you feel it, you like it.
You want to do anything at that time.
You want to settle down there.
For some time.
Till the time that breeze is there.
I also wanted to settle down somewhere,
with my reality, with my life.
I came across this name
while I was searching for one that would suit me.
I am from Kanpur.
I belong to a very basic Indian family.
I am a cardiovascular perfusionist.
I do heart surgeries.
For that, you need a heart-lung machine,
which I handle.
I was married for some time
to a woman.
My family forced me.
I told her before marriage,
"Don't get married. You will not be happy."
She didn't care about the things I told her.
Maybe her family had forced her as well.
When you don't live as partners, fights happen.
Things happen.
So her parents told me,
"If you are not able to satisfy my daughter financially or anything,
you can just get a divorce."
At that time, I thought, "Okay. You can give divorce. No problem."
The kinds of cases they filed against me…
Each case had different hearing dates.
They weren't on the same day.
So mentally, I was troubled.
The case went on for five to six years in court.
Finally, I paid a huge amount of money
to her to get a divorce.
After my divorce, I told myself that now I have to live my life
according to how I want it.
So, that day, I decided that I wanted to transition.
I want to live the way I want,
no matter what others say.
Really. After my surgery, I am really…
No depression at all.
I feel happy all the time.
My mom couldn't accept my transition.
Every time she…
hears my name or anything…
She starts crying the whole day. From morning to evening.
"My son is dead."
My father wanted to accept.
But because of my mom…
he…
doesn't want any problems.
I understand those things.
There’s a dialogue and a song from a movie that says,
"People will say something. It's their job to talk."
No matter what you do, no matter how good…
people will definitely say something or the other.
They will talk even if you do something good.
They will talk even if you do something bad.
You dwell in my breath
In my dreams and my memories
Every morning brings in a new dawn
Cooked up long conversations
The nights are really long
Every morning brings in a new dawn
My mom and dad were like,
"Can you just come down to an event that is happening?"
So I went there.
That's the very first time I met Raji.
Somebody had put a tilak or something. It fell into my eyes.
I was trying to rub it off and comfort myself.
She brings a towel and starts wiping it off.
She looks at me and says,
"What do you do? Kuchipudi, Bharatanatyam?
You wear some kind of wig and do everything. What is it called?"
That was the first question she asked me.
I was like… shocked.
I realized that this person already knew me,
you know, without me making an effort.
And that was something that really struck a chord.
We exchanged numbers and spoke with each other.
For about three or four months, we were constantly talking,
and at one point, we were deciding if we could move on to the next step.
That was the time I thought she needed to know about my sexuality.
I said, "I am pansexual, which means I am attracted to all genders."
And she sends me a Wikipedia link,
asking, "Is this what you mean?"
I said yes, and she's like "Okay."
And then again, after two or three hours, she's like,
"Did you have your lunch? How was it?"
All that conversation. And I was confused.
So I used to send everything that was about queer,
and she was very frustrated.
She was like, "You are pansexual, not me."
"You don't have to tell me exactly how it is. I understand it.
If you're happy with me, if you want to take it to the next step,
the choice is in your hands.
If you don't like me, then you have to stop at this point in time."
Then I introspected, thinking, "What is stopping me?"
"Do I not love her,
or do I not connect with her that beautifully?"
Yes.
"Is it something like I am cheating
or not informing someone who is involved in this relationship?" No.
So, I didn't have any third excuse.
I was like, you know, "Okay. Let's go and do it."
People thought I was gay because I was doing a lot of drag,
and it's always in the mindset that
people who are gay are the only ones who will do drag.
And for them, it was like
I didn't inform my partner. It was more of a lavender marriage,
or, you know, they had multiple assumptions
because it looked like a heterosexual marriage.
Because you're born in a certain gender,
and present as a certain gender, marrying someone who is cishet.
Acceptance kind of came
only when she stood next to me
and said, "I am accepting this person."
That's the very first time people realized,
"Oh, this is something consensual.
Both of them are aware of it."
It had become my daily routine.
I used to chat with a boy from 10 to 12.
He was from Dehradun.
His name was Tanvir.
We became good Facebook friends.
He used to ask me, "Did you have lunch? Should I eat now?"
I would say, "Yes, I had lunch. You can eat."
That's the kind of relationship we had.
If someday he was 5-10 minutes late in messaging me,
I would feel like somebody was separating my soul from my body.
After talking on Messenger
for one and a half to two months, we got tired.
What's the need to chat? Let's directly talk on the phone.
We started calling each other and doing video calls.
He would tell me to come there,
but I was not allowed to go out due to restrictions.
He said, "I will come there."
There was a tea stall nearby.
We went there, sat, and chatted.
It felt really nice
that there was somebody who was accepting this fact,
and he was sitting among so many people, having tea with me.
So, I came and shared it with my guru.
She asked me, "How long has this been going on?"
I said, "It's been two to three months."
I sat there with her. She said, "I am 65 years old."
"I have had more men in my life than my age,
and all are cheaters."
That night, I didn't chat with him or call him.
She planted a fear in my mind.
One day, Tanvir came…
I was upstairs in the kitchen. My guru was downstairs.
She opened the door and asked, "Who are you?"
He said, "I want to meet Teena."
She asked, "Why do you want to meet Teena?"
"Are you Teena's brother or uncle?"
He said, "No, I want to meet her. I am her friend."
My guru rebuked him a lot, saying, "You are manipulating her.
Leave from here."
At that time, I was 16-17 years old,
and Tanvir was 22-23 years old.
I started chatting with him again.
He said, "Leave that place. Come and stay with me.
You don't need that kind of life."
So I clearly told him…
"I want to study."
He said, "No. You come here.
Whether you want to study or do anything else, come here and do it.
Don't stay there."
If you think that community is safe for you,
why don't you tell them that you want to study?"
I said,
"I want to study. There is a school nearby. Should I get admission there?"
She said, "Why do you want to study?
You don't need math and science to clap.
You don't need to speak in English to beg.
It's simple," she acted it out for me, saying,
"'Please give me.' Say this and beg. Done."
It struck me.
Is this really what I have to do? Do I have to simply clap and do all that?
So I told Tanvir whatever she told me.
He said, "Look, they are unable to accept your choices.
They are stopping you.
You might study and become successful."
He put that idea in my mind.
I started a live video.
They switched off her phone.
Both of the parents' phones are switched off.
I don't know where they took her.
I don't know.
I looked everywhere and couldn't find them.
Is she okay or not? What did they do to her?
I don't know.
I got so many direct messages on my social media.
What do I do now?
I don't know where the police are.
Some said to go to the police.
Some said to go to SAPPHO.
In the meantime,
I booked a cab and went to her house.
SAPPHO called and said, "Don't go today.
Let's all go together tomorrow.
Because if you go there today, anything is possible. You are alone.
And remember, you are a female-at-birth person.
Anything can happen to you. Don't go."
And I was already there.
At least I'll see with my own eyes that she is fine.
If she doesn't want to come along, then okay.
I will come back. It's okay.
All the family members and the neighbors were in front of her house.
When I got out of the car, everyone said, "That's the boy. Catch him."
I ran inside.
We held each other's hands.
But we were separated.
They locked her inside the house, and I was outside.
So they were misbehaving without even hearing me out.
Then they started assaulting me.
No one was listening to me.
I wanted to say…
I didn't elope with her.
She left her family willingly.
She wants to live with me.
That's why she left.
And to answer your question, "Who is she to me?"
We love each other.
Who are we? Boyfriend-girlfriend? Partners?
We don't want to label ourselves.
We love each other.
We want to live together.
That's it.
I dropped her a couple of messages. "Don't worry, I'm contacting SAPPHO.
I will get you out of there. I promise."
I also endured physical and emotional torture.
A lot happened.
She also went through the same.
But we didn’t let our courage falter.
Once we decided we wanted to be together,
we were sure we wanted to do this.
My name is Jay Sharma.
I am from Jaunpur, UP.
I came to Mumbai for the first time in 2009.
I was working for a company in Boisar.
I used to work night shifts and used to use my mobile to pass the time.
At that time, I saw Madhuri's photo.
I sent her a friend request.
Then I started messaging her.
One to one-and-a-half years passed.
One day, she told me, "We are doing a dance show.
If you want, you can come and watch it."
She was on stage, and I was sitting below as an audience member.
That's when I met her for the first time.
She had a 15-20 minute show comprising dance and drama.
In that, they showed a transgender's life
from the time they wake up in the morning until they sleep at night,
depicting the problems they face throughout the day,
all performed in 15-20 minutes.
When I saw the act, I fell in love with her.
When Jay came to my shows, we were just friends.
We liked each other's company.
He asked me, "Can we be together forever?"
I said it casually,
"Will you marry me? Then I will stay with you."
Actually, I said that just to judge him
because I know that when it comes to marriage,
nobody wants to marry a trans person.
He would also delete me like the others did.
Lost in your thoughts…
I think it didn't take me even a second to say yes.
Madhuri just asked,
and before she could complete her question,
I said, "Yes, I will marry you."
We didn't know our wedding would be such a big event.
It was in the newspapers the next day.
Because we were the first couple to have an open marriage.
"First in India."
A trans friend of mine…
She couldn’t be herself in India
because her parents were not supportive,
and a lot of things… which in India is difficult.
So we decided we’d go somewhere else.
We decided we’d go to Australia.
"There is another person who is also my friend,
and she is very crazy just like you. So we’ll bring her along."
So we flew to Australia, and at least for the first few days
of going around, it was pretty friendly…
We were seeing a new place together, so it was all fun in a way.
Somewhere when we moved from Sydney to Brisbane,
I started to notice there was more to this gaze than just friendship.
And it was something that not just I was feeling.
It was something that perhaps she was also sharing with me.
I think I was wearing something like a veil…
And me being extremely clumsy and klutzy,
I kept dropping it around.
She immediately picked up that line
and said, "Anu, this song is for you.
How would you take care of my heart when you can't take care of your veil?"
So it was one of those moments
that you just… your mind just blows.
This was probably the first time I ever
identified with the whole queer identity.
Because queerness wasn't there for me.
And with this person,
she was able to show me that I can be loved as a woman
by a woman.
I would say I was pretty lucky and privileged to have had this experience,
of perhaps… being able to explore
my sexuality and attractions after I was myself.
I think I found more joy in finding my queer identity.
My identity as a lesbian woman.
Giving me even more euphoria than my gender identity,
at least at this point in time.
One day, my guru scolded me a lot about my studies.
So…
I called Tanvir.
He said, "It's okay if you don't want to come here.
But if you think that we share any kind of bonding
or any relation, then please go home.
Don't stay here."
At that time, I was so impressed by Tanvir's words
and so touched by his gesture
that I insisted on going home.
I was told that once a week I could go in the morning
and return in the evening.
I got permission for that.
So, I would leave on my scooter early in the morning at six o'clock.
For me, that period from morning to evening was like
God had told a person living in hell that
they could stay in paradise from morning to evening and then come back.
At that time, I felt Dad wasn’t too happy,
maybe because I was returning home after a long time.
But my grandma and mom had many questions for me.
So, that same week, I started coming here to the Gujjar community.
My cousins live in the vicinity.
They used to go to the library…
and speak highly of it, saying, "We discuss many topics."
They made me interested in the library.
I told Tanvir about this place,
and he said, "You should go and see."
I started coming here for a couple of days.
I would stay at my cousin's place or my place,
and I started visiting the library as well.
Then a day came when I said, "I don't want to stay here."
She told me a Punjabi proverb.
"Once you eat in the house of a transgender,
then you cannot stay anywhere else."
It's difficult for you.
Secondly,
you came here with two pairs of clothing,
and you will have to leave with only two pairs of clothing.
But I was so obsessed with the outside world
that it didn't make any difference to me. I said, "Fine. You can keep the rest."
My bond with Tanvir lasted for four years.
But a time came when he said
that I would have to stay with him and
we would earn money like this,
through transgender means.
I remembered the old things.
At that time, he helped me get out of there.
I came out of there because of him,
and now, he is pulling me back there.
We broke up because of this.
There are two things that we usually do before a performance.
Either I create a look that is inspired by me,
or I create a look that is inspired by Raji.
And when I do my own look, it's very exaggerated,
but with Raji, it’s very fem-fem,
as if someone is dressing up a child in a far more dolly way.
The best thing that Raji did with my drag was
make it more allied or beautiful in a subtle way,
so it fits into the other drags happening around.
In the end, drag has to sell to the audience.
And when it comes to performances,
she is a very good critic.
She will tell you if it's bad, right to your face.
If people are not clapping, she will say,
"Half of the people were not clapping when you were performing."
So, this is how she shares the relationship.
She is always charming. She is always classy.
She has this very subtle smile…
It might be the most pressured situation,
but she will just laugh and get that thing out.
That is something which, you know…
Which I think I fell for.
Yeah. I just need to wipe my face.
Yeah.
For a while, I thought I was in deep trouble.
It is an unconventional love story…
We got married on the 28th December.
Every day, the news reporters would come home.
They never left us alone.
Actually, Jay had not told his entire family.
When it came in the newspaper, it came to light within ten days.
I said, since they found out, we’ll face it.
Because no mother would want her son to marry a transgender person.
We were living in Mumbai, but they faced a lot in the village.
There was discord for a whole year. We weren't talking.
Then, gradually, things changed. Jay convinced his sisters to
bring his mother to Mumbai once.
They saw me, assessed me, and
didn’t take long to change their minds. Because that's what happens.
People think differently about transgenders,
but when they spend a day with them,
they know how they really are.
Everyone knows that Jay married a trans,
and yet I stay with them as a daughter-in-law,
as an aunt, and as a sister-in-law.
Sometimes, I forget my identity when I’m with them.
Whenever I look back,
I am sad about what I lost,
but I'm ecstatic about what I gained.
Those were not my blood ties or my family.
The love that I should've got from my family,
I'm getting all of that from his family.
I mean, I lost some and gained some.
In fact, I gained much more.
I don't remember the names or even the faces of my relatives.
The relationships we choose on our own stay for life.
These are relationships chosen by me, and I'm getting love from them.
So now, I am very happy with my life.
Every person has one life,
but I’ve had three so far.
The first was when my parents had me as Prakash.
The second one was the life I gave to myself
when I brought Madhuri out from inside me.
The third was by Jay.
The designation of being a wife, a woman.
And I want to experience a fourth one,
which is that of a mother.
When we talk about human beings, we shouldn’t talk about gender.
Gender becomes meaningless.
I got married in 2016,
but I still haven’t gotten my marriage certificate.
So why can’t I get the marriage certificate as a transgender person?
When I saw that there was no education in the community,
I asked myself a question.
Teena, they don't know that "L" is for lion.
When you teach them that "L" is for lesbian,
will they understand?
It’s something I definitely
thought about in my life,
but I was not prepared.
So, I’m about to be a parent.
You know, we don't have books about
how to raise a child genderless or gender-friendly,
but I will ensure that
they do not have an unsafe space around them. dly,